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THE DEBT – Aka…Jessica Chastain Makes Wood

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 07 December 2011

It’s always sexual with you, huh? That’s what my wife, Bibs Detroit, says every time she reads my reviews.

Yah, mostly…but sometimes it’s about Jews or Nazis. Huh, maybe that’s because that accounts for 69 out of every 100 movies made in Hollywood.

69…That sounds like a good number when I am thinking of ways to work Jessica Chastain into a review. Like…I would eat her 69 ways to Sunday. I would cunningly spell out the alphabet with my tongue…however many times it takes to get to 69.

If I remember my geometry correctly…the answer is pi.

Anyway…The Debt is about Jews and Nazis.

Go figure...

Not my fucking fault, HONEY!!

Jessica Chastain plays a coquettish Mossad agent back somewhere vaguely around 1969. She is trying to hunt down a bad, bad, gynecologist man that used to be…anyone…anyone…a Doctor Nazi.

Her part of the snatching involves spreading her luscious, pale thighs for the bad, bad man’s - cold, steel speculum. She and two Jewish fellas are gonna kidnap Doc Nazi and bring him back to…anyone…anyone…Israel. At this point I was so excited...I wanted to burp the baby!

So…this premise does seem to have some promise. Considering that we have to go back…meh, I dunno…three weeks…since the last movie with a somewhat similar foundation.

But you have to go way back to 1986…where Farrah Fawcett plays Beate Klarsfeld, in…anyone…anyone…Nazi Hunter: The Beate Klarsfeld Story, to find anything close to THIS kind of Hot Poon, Nazi Hunter story rendered here.

But, in this slightly more ambiguously titled, The Debt, Chastain is pulling the entire load although I am quite willing to lend a hand. She is supposed to be acting like she is attracted to Sam Worthington…yes, the Handi-Tram from Avatar. Although here - is unable to “act” like he is attracted to Chastain and therefore, must suck cock or just plain suck at…ya know…his job…ACTING!!

But the coolest thing about his character is that he switches between, an English, an Australian and a Jewish accent whenever he fucking wants. Sometimes…right in the middle of a sentence…he musters all three. In Avatar he was only able to toggle between two of those.

We, in the business, call this “not acting your way out of a fucking paper bag.”

If it hasn’t already…the movie completely falls apart when we get to the totally hot 66 year old Helen Mirren. She’s playing the Mossad chick, some thirty-years later. Although, she is now missing her cleft chin. Huh...probably some secret Hasidic plastic surgery trick.

And…she’s been living a lie for 30 years and she doesn’t give a crap that she is going to defecate on Israel and every living person on the earth by fessing up. But, no worries, at least she’ll feel better.

The truth may set her free, but in the final, contrived scene…we, the audience, get stabbed in the back by a 107 year old bald Nazi…and realize that it’s not worth the train ride. No matter what the guy screaming ‘All Aboard!!’ Is trying to tell us.

There are NO surprises, here. A JEW COLLECTS A DEBT and DAN CEDAR DRAWS WOOD. What's New?

A Debt is, in reality, what you are going to owe me for giving you a head’s up to wait for Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy if you are hoping for a good, old-fashioned, spook film.

As for me, Dan Cedar, I have my own agenda. I am watching The Debt again before I make my bald friend puke and drift off to a hastily called sword fight between Helen Mirren and Jessica Chastain. As Bibs Detroit slumbers next to me…while I put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college.

Dan Cedar

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