You are hereNew Movie Reviews / THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - Aka ..The Sound of Music II


By King Hippo - Posted on 30 January 2012

Ever wonder what happened to the von Trapp clan after they fled Austria and the Nazis? Apparently, they ended up in Sweden and not Switzerland after the war. And a more dysfunctional family they could not be... As the story reveals, a couple of the kids became Nazis, others businessmen, others lushes, and as the sordid story unfolds, a couple became sociopaths.

Which I find quite intoxicating for the male, but, oh, so shameful for the fairer sex.

The first of a trilogy by Swedish novelist Stieg Larsson originally titled Men Who Hate Women. Ironically enough, a close title of Dan Cedar's autobiography, Pussy Whipped Asshole Who Can't Live Without Women. And, to save the aforementioned Editor time and brain cells, King Hippo's autobiography, Men Who Hate Women, Men, AND Children – except for Helen Keller.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo opens with disgraced investigational journalist Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) being summoned by retired wealthy industrialist Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) to find out what happened to his teenaged niece who disappeared from a family get- together 40 years ago. The reason Mikael takes the job is that he's been black listed because he lost a libel suit brought by a corrupt businessman and Henrik has evidence which could help Blomkvist's case. Isn't that the classic liberal way to gather data? "I don't have any proof, but I KNOW it's true!" Typical.

Don’t you think at this point in his cock crusading life that Christopher Plummer would give up just about any “data” for a former 007’s hummer in the back of his Audi?

Think outside the box…shitheads.

Computer hacker Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) is enlisted to assist Blomkvist in his investigation. Unlike Blomkvist's middle class status, Goth punker Salander is still a ward of the state and has to report to her case worker on a regular basis in order to receive financial assistance. Oh, yeah…everyone’s on the government dole in Europe.

As (bad) luck would have it, her current case worker falls ill and she is reassigned to a fat rapist fuck who proceeds to give her asshole a stretching that would make a room of pornstars give her a standing "O".

Cue Rodgers and Hammerstein's "My Favorite Things:" Suck me and swallow you Goth slut with piercings/Come to my house and fuck your misgivings, Bind you to bedposts and rip off your jeans/Forced anal sex is my favorite thing...this is where the movie REALLY connected with your humble reviewer…King Hippo.

As the investigation proceeds, a disturbing pattern emerges of unsolved rape/torture/murders of women is towns where the Vanger family has either business interests or factories. And the common denominator seems to be former Nazi, Gottfried Vanger. I can hear him humming to "Sixteen Going On Seventeen:" You wait little girl/On an empty stage/For fate to turn the light on, Your life little girl/Is an empty page/That men will want to carve on, I've killed 16, going on 17/Baby it's time to think/Better beware/Be canny and careful/Baby you're only meat...

The only problem is that Gottfried has been dead for many years and the serial killings continue.

As Blomkvist later finds, Martin Vanger - Gottfried's son - has continued the family tradition. As the saying goes, "like father, like son." As Martin prepares his vivisecting tools, I can hear him singing: The hills are alive/with the sound of screaming, With screams that have been heard/through my basement walls...

Of course, our heroine Salander comes to rescue Blomkvist in the nick of time and tees off on Martin's face like Tiger Woods on a Bunny Ranch hooker. As it turns out, all Blomkvist needed to nail Hans-Erik Wennerstrom (the corrupt businessman) was Salander's help - who manages to empty Wennerstrom's offshore bank accounts and send him into a suicidal spiral.

Fancying themselves quite a team, Salander uses some of her ill-gotten loot to buy Blomqvist an expensive leather jacket with which she intends to surprise him at his office. As she arrives, she spys serial philanderer Blomquivst leave the building hand in hand with his boss (Robin Wright.)

Heartbroken, she tosses the jacket in the dumpster and starts to sing, So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night/I hate to go and leave this pretty sight, So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye/I hope, to god, you burn in hell and die...

No doubt Salander is hard at work on her autobiography, Why Men Are Scum. Should she deem some deep cover insight…King Hippo is more than glad to show her the ropes…my ropes. And if you are sweet…maybe my basement.

5 naybobs

King Hippo

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