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EAT, PRAY AND LOVE - Aka...Consume, Genuflect and Vomit


By Lady Spamalot - Posted on 28 September 2010

I am a hopeless romantic with a low self esteem and a nervous eating disorder.

Clearly, this movie was made for me.

I have a confession to make – I go to Weight Watchers. Regularly. Meetings are Monday nights. When there – we all share our disappointments and anger about the fact that we are all fat. Well, everyone but me. Giggle….

Nope. Not Fat.

Bulemic?

Well, not until I spent 2 hours and 15 minutes bathing in this narcissistic, new aged clap trap.

Never mind the fact that the book is always better than the movie. I squealed like a little girl when the trailer showed no other than JULIA ROBERTS as the main character! Glorious anticipation! Quickly, my throng of portly co-worker girlfriends coordinated schedules so that we could do the movie and a dinner, fully reveling in the experience of it all.

The anticipation lasted roughly as long as my first time to have intercourse and was just about as pleasurable.

Actually, my “first time” was really a good sport about me not knowing what the hell he was doing and just wanting him to finish so we could go back to talking again. Give me a break – I was thirteen and he was forty-three. I wanted to figure out how he knew that I liked banana splits with extra nuts.

As for E,P&L, it is supposed to be about a thin woman’s incredibly brave journey to self love through discovery, forgiveness and acceptance. Her catalyst – realizing that the Perfect Husband, Job, Career, etc. just does not make the big “O” happen for her, and really never did. Her instincts called her to travel to far and exotic destinations, but she instead forced herself into a cookie cutter lifestyle, steadily choking on the sugary artificialness of it all.

In fact, she had suffocated her inner voice for so long that it came as a total shock when that voice finally spoke to her one night while she was balled up on the bathroom floor, writhing in angst from not knowing how to keep living. The voice simply said, “Go to sleep, Liz.” It should have continued to say, “…and don’t cast Julia Roberts as the lead character for your movie.”

The movie takes our heroine to Italy where she gains weight (both physically and mentally). Then she heads to India where she wrestles with inner demons, an ex-husband’s transcendental curse, and naturally, loses the weight (both physically and mentally).

It IS India, for fuck’s sake.

Finally, the journey ends in Indonesia, where she finds balance between the spirit and the flesh, maintaining a healthy weight by diving head first into a passionate romance with the hot Brazilian older man. Serious “activity points” - as we Weight Watchers call it.

Alas, none of the essence of this woman’s journey ever makes it to the screen because all you see is Julia.

Julia smiling.
Julia eating.
Julia laughing.
Julia pouting.
Julia, Julia, Julia.

Now, this saturation of Julia has worked in previous roles – she made the entire planet fall in love with a prostitute who happened to be on the right corner at the right time in Pretty Woman. She also fully embraced the role of the tough older sister in Mystic Pizza, once again giving a rich boy his dues, this time with a convertible full of fish.
Finally, she nailed the part of Erin Brockovich, winning the Oscar (the statue, not the fish). So, naturally, it was safe to assume that she would, once again, embrace a character’s essence and beautifully portray her story.

Such anticipation. Such utter disappointment.

Yes. This reminds me of SEVERAL times of sexual intercourse. Well, not that many times. As far you know. Oh sure, a female with a large number indicates slootiness – that means sluttiness you urbane fucking fucks. Whilst a man with a large number is just a stud.

Fucking hypocrites!!
Er, literally.

Ironically, my gaggle of gargantuan girlfriends felt differently about the movie. They enjoyed it and agreed that maybe a lesser known actress would have fit better in the cast, but that Julia did a great job and they were generally entertained.

What a bunch of stupid, stout, tantric, manwich-eating bitches.

I am going to eat a bag of baked Doritos now to block out the E,P&L epic fail.

Reminds me of …..VOMIT!

Can’t wait to “share-out” on Monday night and the subsequent stout stares – “Sit down and shut up – you skinny fucking bitch.”

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