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THE EXPENDABLES - Aka...Middle Aged Flaccid Penises Unite!


By Visitor - Posted on 23 December 2010

My name is Madame Ovary and I have been asked to give some insight into The Expendables, because as it so happens - I wasn’t offered my first, second or third choices.

That’s ok. I am sure that the 401k retirement plan with sarcasticmoviereviews.com will be worth a sufficient amount that I can soon quit my night job at The Bunny Ranch.

Think of me as the Mae West of movie reviewers.

It seems that I am on a roll. The day prior to viewing The Expendables - my stem cell transplant for my ALS was postponed in lieu of a more famous patient - one Michael J. Fox. When life gives you Lou Gehrig’s disease – make lemonade.

Random thought - Can you get an erection if you have Parkinson’s?

I bawl every time that I hear Billy Vera sing “At this Moment.”

Courtney Cox – what a bitch.

I can’t seem to focus on finishing this review. Someone told me that I had better check my IQ after seeing this movie, and that I might suffer some loss of brain function. This phenomenon is allegedly known as “The Stallone Effect.”

However, I disagree. This movie was pretty awesome… as long as you know what to expect.

It pretty much starts off with a bang. Well, a gang of bangs, and keeps on banging for 103 minutes.

I loved that Rambo (cleverly disguised with another name in this movie) was the smart one of the bunch and that he explained to the other guys “what was really going on with the C.I.A. and stuff”. I appreciated that wrap-up. Why waste time making me, the audience member, try to figure it out? Just go ahead and tell us in a short little scene.

Not only do we get Stallone in this movie. We get every has-been or never-was actor from the 1980s – save Ron Jeremy. And from the looks of these AARP spokesmen posing as actors – there needs to be some Viagra sprinkled in the water to get them excited about the project.

What balls to cast Eric Roberts as a bad guy. It’s easy to hate a terrible actor who is also remarkably caricature-like. Has George Hamilton asked him for his skin back?

And kudos to Stallone for writing just enough dialog for it to actually have dialog! How many times do you get to hear “Ya ‘member that time we was up in Bosnia?” in a movie?

Rambo had a lot of good lines, too. Like, he said, at one point, “don’t be ridiculous.” Indeed.

So yeah, I guess some people have a point that maybe the fight scenes are a little unrealistic. To them, I ask the question: how do you know? How many times have YOU been in a fist/knife/rope/mixed
martial arts/gun fight, much less one immediately after an automobile chase? Maybe that IS what it would look like! I can give you some details about a sword fight, but I will save that for another time.

And what about “the guys” being the only ones to not get blown to bits? Well, duh! It’s Rambo!

And the Transporter guy! Jason Statham is a perfect male pattern baldness specimen. We should clone him. I’d like to stuff him a couple of erectile dysfunction tabs, lock him in a room and have my way with him. Twice.

And Jet Li! And also, the dad from “Everybody Hates Chris!”

I was kind of disappointed that the stars from DieHard and The Terminator have apparently gotten too old for action. Glad they dropped in, though. Hopefully they won’t leave out Indiana Jones – and his whip - next time around, either! AAOOOOOWWW!!

Does it seem like I haven’t said much about this movie? Hmm… well, what’s there to say? You either like action, or you love it. Although some of the homoerotic love scenes were a bit drawn out, like when Rambo - or was it Rocky - shot the mean guy from Rocky IV.

Other notable details about this movie are that Mickey Rourke has apparently replaced his hair with strands of dried dog feces that have been in the sun so long they have turned white, and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin’s nickname is apropos considering his acting abilities – I wasn’t sure if he was real or a cardboard cutout.

The Expendables is basically full of what it was supposed to be full of - sans the erections of yesteryear.

Shit explodes and a lot of bad dudes die.

If you are a stuffy, thinking, kind of person, you won’t like this movie.

But if you are like myself and feel you have a few brain cells to spare, it’s pretty hilarious.

Oh wait; it is a comedy, right?

Just remember – like the commercial says - you should seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting longer than four hours. No - I’m not a doctor – but I’ve fucked a few in my day.

If you want to see what it’s like to fuck a chick with ALS – and you’ve got some time – come on up to The Bunny Ranch and see me some time. I’ll leave my ventilator on.

Madame Ovary (Guest Reviewer)

3 Naybobs

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