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FASTER - Aka...(I Wish This Movie Would Go) Faster

By King Hippo - Posted on 23 December 2010

For Starters - you'll be seeing the word "once" and "brother" more than a few times in this review. I don't have a fucking thesaurus. Sue me!

When people finally meet me they say, “King Hippo” what turns you on? Once my inner monologue says, “I just met you and don’t know if you’re a cop – so I will skip the pre-pubescent fluff boy references”. When a non-offensive idea finally pops into my cerebellum - I say “a good movie.” Well, we already know that Hollywood ran out of original movie ideas back in the 70's. We also know that "good" actors have been replaced by "popular" actors who play the same character in every movie that they are in.

But for some reason the American lemmings embrace this. I, personally, would rather spend MY Saturday afternoons – alone – watching a movie, followed by a trip down to the gun show at the local redneck convention center. And, if TIME and MY GOD permit, try to sneak in a sci-fi convention and a reptile show.

We also know that with the aid of computers, tons of shortcuts have been made with respect to animation and computer generated special effects, rendering real talent irrelevant.

NOW, we have directors stealing other directors' STYLES. George Tillman Jr. can't decide if he wants to be Michael Mann, James Cameron, or Quentin Tarantino - so he decides to be ALL THREE at once! At least when Tarantino and Rodriguez team up for movies their styles are distinctive. Now we have to put up with mulatto hybrid directing.

Jesus Christ.

And to top it off, there is nothing original about this movie except for the artistic flare used when capping people in the head with .357 magnum hollow points. Mmmm, chunky gray matter. I wonder what time that gun show opens? There should be some single chicks there – even if they aren’t of the highest caliber. Mmmm, again.

I guess this is Dwayne Johnson's "comeback" from such stalwart movies like Escape to Witch Mountain and Tooth Fairy. Hey, everyone wants to broaden their horizons once in a while. Look at Dan Cedar - He's gone from pantaloons, to leopard print thongs to crotch less panties. Who would have thought? You know – we could use some racial diversity on the USS Enterprise. Maybe Dwayne could be in the next Star Trek movie. God that would be awesome to see him in one of those tight, uni-tard uniforms.

Anyway, "The Rock" plays "Driver" who's just completed 10 years in prison for a bank robbery he abetted with his brother and his brother's partner. As the flashback unfolds, their ill gotten loot is "appropriated" by a gang of "informants" working for an unknown leader. Driver witnesses his brother and partner dispatched "execution style" then he, himself, receives a metal slug in the back of his head. Flash forward and we find out that the bullet did not kill him and he now walks around with a metal plate holding together the back of his skull.

He is incarcerated for the crime, however, and during this period, hires a private investigator to get him the names and numbers of those involved in his brother's death.
Once Driver is released, the "prime directive" is to punish
those involved with the murder of his brother, with an early grave - courtesy of Messieurs Smith and Wesson. I wonder if “Red” will be working the Glock booth? They usually have free pizza and I’m starting to get hungry…

But, once again, I am off the beaten path. Back to the movie…The unknown leader of the group has other plans and hires a hit man to take Driver out. One bright acting spot in the movie is the lawman character played by Billy Bob Thornton (Aka ex MISTER Angelina Jolie) who we find has a much larger part in Driver's life than just wanting to apprehend him for his murder spree.

You wouldn’t know if by looking at him, but Billy Bob is a reptile lover as am I.

And no, asshole, a gerbil is not a reptile, you sick, fucking fuck!!

So if you're "into" mindless action flicks, this is your movie. If you've graduated past the fifth grade by now, you've already seen - it ad nauseum.

Translation: Dan Cedar will cream his pants halfway through the movie...and the hapless soul who takes his seat during the next screening will have to explain to his wife why his ass is covered in Dan Cedar's man goo.

It generally takes more priming of King Hippo’s pump than that. But with an afternoon of fondling a Glock, stroking a Gila Monster and a looksie at the original “Archie” appearance from Pep Comics #22 that was published on December 22, 1942 – This writer will have plenty of splooge material for at least another week.

Live Long and Prosper. Nanoo – Nanoo!!

Barely 2 naybobs


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