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CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT RETIRES GERMAN SHEPHERDS


By Ian Specter - Posted on 04 January 2013

Chicago, IL - During a fun filled CPD (Chicago Police Department) annual employees’ picnic, sponsored by Shipley’s, police Chief Clancy Wiggum Jr. announced that the entire squad of canine patrol dogs will be retired. The officers assigned to canine patrol will have first dibs on their individual dogs and if any go unclaimed, the remainder will be retrained as service animals for the deaf, dumb, and/or blind.

"These German Shepherds have a long and storied history with the Chicago PD," Clancy orated, "What began in the '30's as strictly war criminal trackers, has evolved to serving as drug sniffers, missing person’s assistance, guards, and suspect equalizers. I know that the officers whose dogs are assigned to them will be sad to see them go, but such is the current status of Chicago PD's overall budget and crime strategy."

The festivities included a Frisbee catching contest, an obstacle course, and a surprising throwback to yesteryear, a dog race with spider monkeys saddled on the dogs' backs like little jockeys. As usual, PETA protested the gala citing animal cruelty. The outspoken picketers were quickly dispersed after Chief Wiggum gave the order to "release the hounds."

Queried as to what will take the place of the canine patrol in the department, Clancy was quick to correct. "You misunderstood me. The canine patrol is not being disbanded - we're just getting rid of the German Shepherds. The shepherds will be replaced by Coonhounds." A puzzled look on this reporter's face prodded Wiggum to elaborate. "Our statistics have shown that very little of the criminal activity in the city is being committed by Germans."

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