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A PERFECT GETAWAY - Aka...Newlywed Game 2009


By King Hippo - Posted on 07 September 2009

...For those of you who don't want to know "who did it" until you actually watch the movie, have no fear, King Hippo is here.
This review is going nowhere – just like the movie.

Excuse my rant, but ironically – less than 48 hours after watching this movie some Fucking Fucks had a perfect getaway after busting into King Hippo’s Den of Iniquity. They stole 6 guitars, a bag of blond Lebanese Hash, a Playstation 3, my 47 inch plasma (shaft) and enough Grey Goose and Young Buns porn to re-erect the newly post-mortemed penis of Mary Jo Kopechne’s recently departed killer – Oh, and yes, the Democratic Party’s - Lion of The Senate.

Thankfully, my 3,214 comic books collected over the last 45 years were – implausibly – untouched.

Luckily, Mssrs. Smith, Wesson and I weren’t there or you would be reading about my bushwhacking of the local Obama Backers that gang-raped my man-plantation!!

A Perfect Getaway is a typical suspense-thriller with better than typical acting, pacing, casting and believability, and with the added bonus of an O. Henry ending.

No, Opie and Abzug - NOT the damn candy bar!

This movie allows the double-entendred carcass of Bob Eubanks to revive The New Nude Newlywed Game - three couples in Hawaii involved is some stiff competition. What does the winning couple get for successfully outwitting the other two couples?

How about their lives!

Parting gifts for the losers?

How about a 9mm slug between the eyes or a having your nuts chewed off by a passing hammerhead shark?

Throw in the always wood-inducing Milla Jovovich and you've got yourself one hell of an entertaining movie!

Who am I kidding - I'd give five Naybobs to watch two hours of Milla Jovovich scrubbing a horse stall in leather chaps and a thong.

King Hippo felt an affinity for this movie because I actually grew up in the 50th state. As opposed to the crime-riddled city in which I now reside which consists of welfare scum, rednecks, half-wits and illegals that are” only-here-to-work”.

And by work – I mean – mowing my lawn, stealing my shit and clogging up the local emergency rooms.

So, as Bob Eubanks says, "Let’s meet the Newlyweds."
Couple #1- Cliff and Cydney - (Happy Newlyweds)
Couple #2 - Kale and his brain dead bitch Cleo - (White Trash Couple)
And Couple #3 – Please give a big hand for Nick and Gina - (Long Time Nudist Couple)

So, the story opens with the happy newlyweds - Couple #1 Cliff and Cydney – on the Island of Kauai for their honeymoon. They decide to tackle the legendary Kalalau trail -an eleven mile hike through valleys, streams, rainforest and mountain ridges that eventually leads to Ke'e Beach.

As they're preparing for the hike they find out that there has been a murder of a couple on Oahu and that the authorities suspect that the killers (who are identified as a couple) have fled to another Hawaiian island, most likely Kauai (What a coincidence!).

On the way to the trailhead Couple #1 stops to pick up a white trash couple (please give a big hand for couple #2 – Kale and Cleo!) hitching along the highway. After stopping to give couple #2 a ride, some wierd vibes develop between the couples and they mutually agree to go their separate ways, but not before Kale gives Cliff the "stink eye."

Note to Dan Cedar - "stink eye" does not refer to your lecherous obsession with Bibs Detroit's backdoor.

As couple #1 starts their hike along the trail, they come to an algae covered portion of the path which just happens to have a 300 foot drop to the bottom of the valley.

Fortunately, Nick happens along to grab Cydney before she slips off the treacherous portion of the trail. A guarded friendship forms...

Cliff (coincidentally named) then spies the aforementioned white trash couple (#2) coming around the bend and quickly agrees to take a detour with Nick to his waiting girlfriend Gina (#3) who just happens to be sunbathing nude under a waterfall. Schwing!!

Nick and Cydney waste no time in joining Gina au natural, but Cliff decides to hike to higher ground to see if he can get a signal on his cell phone to Google the current status of the murders on Oahu - as opposed to a no-holes-barred orgy (making whoopee) currently under way below the waterfall.

For those of you that have never met a heterosexual man – This is not normal!!

As Cliff starts his way down to the base of the waterfall. Who is there to intercept him - but couple #2. Tense moments between Cliff and Kale are diffused when Nick shows up and gives Kale the "special ops stare down".

The next morning, who shows up but state of Hawaii helicopter cops (gee, I guess pigs CAN fly) who swoop down and do a thorough cavity search and evidence extraction on Cleo and Kale (#2) before hog-tying them to be served at the next police luau.

I know what you’re saying – you sexually pre-occupied prepubescent, acne pock-marked pudsmackers that get your monthly subscription to Juggs in the mail because you don’t want to run into trolls like King Hippo down at the local Adult DVD Store, “Why can’t we just go back to the scene where the ménage is about to happen under the waterfall.”

And to the quasi-intelligent, nicely coifed out there who are saying, "Case closed. Book ‘em Danno!!”
Not so fast Jack Lord.

This is where the plot thickens to oatmeal - the approximate consistency of Abzug's gray matter. The rollercoaster of thrills is just beginning.

At this point the movie zigs and zags until the climax (easy, Dan.)

Initially I had an issue with the "flashbacks" toward the end of the movie.

I thought to myself, “Self!! Why would anyone with any logic and half a brain NEED these flashbacks to get them up to speed on what's going on?"

Then I thought of my monthly trips to pick up Dan Cedar at the state school to take him to the latest Power Rangers movie – Remember?? I also picked up his mother at the local crack house and had her orally inspect my glue gun for about 2 hours while little Danny was trying to figure out if the pink Ranger was supposed to be a boy or a girl.

Ahhh, but as the complete story unfolds there is actually a REASON for the flashbacks - and no, Paul Harvey, it's not just to clue you in to "the rest of the story" but actually to clue you into the mindset and actions of a certain couple so you couldn't figure out who the was the "bad couple".

Which abruptly (as with all of my sexual predilections) brings me to the King Hippo Sarcastic Movie Reviews writer's auditions.

I will be conducting the auditions with the following guidelines:
1.Must be female.
2.Must be skinny.
3.Must have that ginchy, eastern European look (Milla Jovovich, Mila Kunis, etc.)

Actual writing talent is optional.
Recent Ukranian, Bulgarian, Romanian (gymnasts only) and Hungarian imports are preferred – sans pit and pube hair.

But ‘NO’, I am not going to marry you, so that you can get your green card, dump my homely, middle-aged ass in two years and eventually end up leaving me for some tatted-up, buff-boy that has to sell stolen guitars to pawn shops to pay for his meth habit. But, again, I digress...

The interviews will be conducted in my basement and my address will be given out on a 'need to know' basis.
Please ignore the shackles, the donkey and the midget dressed in leather. DO NOT FEED HIM!!

Thank you veruh much.

"The King"

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