You are hereIn The News / AL GORE ON SUICIDE WATCH


By Ian Specter - Posted on 25 December 2009

Al Gore was in seclusion and despondent in his twenty-room, 10,000 square-foot humble abode last night after his near-apparent mental breakdown was brought on by a strategic nuclear strike by Israel on Iran’s nuclear facilities.

Israel’s tactical nuclear strike on Iran’s nuclear production facilities has lead to rising tensions in the Middle East and around the rest of the God-fearing, internet-connected world.

Al Gore’s spokesperson, Kalee Kreider, said that the inventor of the internet was holed-up watching his 214 inch high definition television analyzing videotape of the Tennessee Titans’ disappointing 2009 season with Verne Troyer, Jeff Fisher and Eddie Vedder in a 30 foot hardened bunker-like facility in the basement of his “man-castle”. The former Vice President reportedly has a handgun, which he is legally licensed to carry, a handful of cyanide capsules and an 8X10 photograph of Eva Braun.

It has been reported by ESPN, CSPAN and TMZ that Alec Baldwin and Urban Meyer have been summoned to join the brain trust. Although the goal of such a meeting in unclear.

In her prepared statement, Ms Kreider, said Mr. Gore hasn’t reportedly been this despondent since the prototype for his self-contained methane-powered vehicle, “The Gas Grabber”, was summarily dismissed as “a subhuman, modern day, rickshaw, shit-hole” by Car and Driver Magazine in August 2007. Some readers may remember that a similar car, “The Crap Shooter” was also rejected last year. “Same Shit Hole – Different Car” was the headline of the June 2008 Car and Driver article that claimed that the new vehicle’s only difference from the previous prototype was that it was painted green and retro-fitted with a mini-windmill as the hood ornament.

Gore is now reportedly troubled that even the thought of an all-out global thermonuclear war might shift the world’s focal point from the climate change debate and subsequent legislation that the former Nobel Prize winner feels is imperative in “this most critical time of the world”. Kreider continued, “I don’t know if it is clear to the irrelevant, thick-headed Americans that haven’t been working on this problem for 33 years and aren’t as brilliant as Mr. Gore. But if there is a nuclear war – some stupid, stupid people may not focus on optimizing tax credits for double-paned windows, building windmills in their backyards, and becoming vegetarians - who can minimize their individual expulsion of beef-induced methane.”

In a written statement issued by the spokesperson, Gore asked said that “In this seminal moment - Americans should volunteer to accept with open arms all radioactive peoples of the world. Concentrated Camps should quickly be established in Nevada – so that the world can deliberate more pressing concerns”.

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