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THE GREEN HORNET - Aka...Where Is Peter Sellers When You Need Him?


By King Hippo - Posted on 19 February 2011

Don’t judge a comic book by its cover – you racist, pre-judging, acid-dropping, cum gummers. Drop the binky. Let it harden in the shag carpet for a few minutes while I review movie, Joe. It ain’t Full Metal Jacket, but it will have to do for now.

I know what you are thinking. Boy, are we ass-dragging the bottom of the barrel, or what? I guess we've run out of every other comic book character to prostitute? I know that the Marvel and DC character movies have been pumped out at a Da Nang hooker pace, but this one is a little odd. Maybe the movie rights were cheaper to obtain, than say, Brother Power the Geek. Yeah, I know, Google it and come back to the review. I’m sure you have nothing better to do than researching King Hippo’s peripheral comic references to a misspent youth in my parent’s basement.

The real surprise here is that this is a pretty entertaining movie, even though it can't decide if it wants to be drama, comedy, camp, or action. This may be due solely to the fact that ADHD addled Seth Rogen co-wrote the story. And for some reason, I can't always tell how funny he's trying to be. He's not quite as obtuse as Andy Kaufman, but sometimes his humor borders on the creepy, ala Observe and Report. But, far be it from me to pre-judge a Jewish Canuck.

Anyway, the unique angle of the Green Hornet is that he positions himself as a "bad guy" so that he can pretty much have face-to-faces with the seedier parts of society at will. Fortunately, he’s not in Cambodia and he has a would-be Bruce Lee sidekick named Kato to handle the physical stuff. Unfortunately, that makes him persona non grata to both the crooks and the fuzz. Kind of like when Dan Cedar struts into the local police station wearing his red sequined party dress and "fuck me" pumps to report his latest "rape" committed, no doubt, by his wheelchair bound, paraplegic, colostomy-sporting neighbor.

At least the whole movie scenario is realistic. Rogen is the do-nothing perpetual frat boy who has an epiphany that he wants to fight crime, and, when he decides to actually do it, he's a bumbling idiot. Hence, the comedic angle. And spare me the George W. Bush - Middle East references – you bunch of hippy anarchists.

Anyway, the funniest part of the movie is when Rogen decides that he can take Kato in hand to hand combat. Upon vicariously experiencing your 861st LSD flashback, I was mentally transported in time to the days of Return of the Pink Panther when Inspector Clouseau opens the refrigerator to find that an icicle encrusted Cato has been waiting in there for hours to surprise attack him...then proceeds to destroy the entire apartment while fighting.

Which got me thinking, "Kato?" and "Cato?"

Hmm, something fishy here - they both speak that stereotypical broken english, are both 5'6" and both are adept in the martial arts. As I recall, they both look very similar.

Aah, who am I kidding? All those Chinks look alike.

Now, pre-judging American Joe, I know you should have seen this coming from the first line of the review. Pick your binky up off the floor. Ignore the leftover shag crustaceans and shove it in my mouth. Me sucky sucky long time!


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