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THE HANGOVER - Aka…A day in the life of Old Dan Cedar

By King Hippo - Posted on 07 July 2009

So sue me, I actually liked this movie.

So sue me, I took along a 9 year old and two 13 year olds to watch this flick thinking it was PG-13.

So sue me, I checked out the teenage female talent that was in the theater.

So sue me — the last time I checked — I am not a pedophile unless there is a conviction that isn’t sealed by court order, but I digress…

For the literate movie historians that peruse our website — both of you may draw some parallels to the great Cristopher Nolan mystery, Memento…

But the rest of you illiterate fucks — just pay your 8 bucks and pop a couple Vicodin that you stole out of your mother’s medicine cabinet while she was at church praying for your dumb ass to get a job.

You couldn’t come up with a more contrived, overused plot, but surprise, it actually works.

The reason it works is that it doesn’t preach, doesn’t get mushy, and the cheap laughs are nonstop. This should help fill the much belated void of the Jim Carrey backlash.

So, I bought the 16 year old a bag of popcorn.

Now, I suppose there will be a law against that — next week.
I gave her some Oxycontin to help her enjoy the movie.

So sue me, I saved three for myself. Call me “selfish”. But, I digress…

You know this movie is going to be good when Doug (Justin Bartha,) Phil (Bradley Cooper,) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) pull up to their buddy Stu’s (Ed Helms) house and scream at the top of their lungs, “Paging Dr. Faggot, Paging Dr. Faggot!” And in typical pussy whipped fashion (Ala Old Dan Cedar) Stu lies to his Cuntasaurus Emasculatus girlfriend about their all-boy plans in Las Vegas for the bachelor party.

The casting of the pitchfork-wielding-mob worthy Zach Galifianakis was genius. He’s like a splinter hidden in your underwear — annoying as hell, but always keeps you jumping. But, that is what happens when you carry around a cord of wood in your pants like King Hippo.

Anyhow, the movie opens with a hotel rooftop toast to Doug. But, unbeknownst to the three buddies, Alan has spiked the drinks with “roofies.” For those of you that haven’t seen the comic underpinnings of a good date-rape gag — it’s your lucky day.

Good thing Alan’s identical twin, Dan Cedar, wasn’t the one spiking the drinks… everyone would have gotten Mexican Viagra.

Hilarity ensues as a clusterfuck scavenger hunt has everyone waking up the next morning in a trashed hotel suite in the company of a tiger in the bathroom, a newborn baby in the closet, Stu -with a missing tooth, Alan — pantless, and a chicken clucking around the living room. The only problem is that Doug (the groom) is missing and he’s supposed to be headed back home for his wedding.

The rest of the movie involves the guys frantically retracing their steps in order to find Doug. Every Vegas cliché is visited, including several casinos, a drive through wedding chapel, a stripper’s apartment, a police station, a hospital emergency room, Mike Tyson’s mansion (sans the dead daughter), the Las Vegas desert and Old Dan Cedar’s gay escort service. Thankfully, the Elvis impersonators were kept to a minimum — which kept my wood at bay.

An added bonus was Alan doing his best Raymond Babbitt impersonation. A role younger people may not recognize, but should be readily recalled by idiot savants such as Dan Cedar.

The movie stands out by maintaining that serious edge of Doug’s disappearance and the subsequent lowlifes that the guys encounter while trying to find him and at the same time hitting you with nonstop laughs.

Oh, yeah — and for you heteros out there — Heather Graham drops by.
Note to Ryan O’Neal: You have done enough!! Stay away from her anus!!

After some reflection, I actually don’t feel this movie is just another day in the life of Old Dan Cedar. If it was, the chicken in the hotel room would have been dead after Dan reamed it in his OxyContin mixed with Mexican Viagra — induced stupor and anally bled it to death.

Since I have a little extra space in this column — you cheap, lazy fucks should buy some merchandise in our store, so that I don’t have even more of my measly stipend reduced to help fund this ridiculously futile and infantile website another four weeks.

Feel free to charge it to your mom’s credit card.

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