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Happy Earth Day, Asshole!!


By Ian Specter - Posted on 22 April 2009

That was my headline that I had planned all along. Turns out – the joke is on me – not just the American and world public, at large. I will get back to my dilemma in a moment.

My day begins. I sit down enjoying my morning bottle of Bud Light to chase down the nearly inedible Grape Nuts that I am choking down as my own personal tribute to our lovely, soiled planet this morning, and what do I see NBC’s Today show program splattered-in?

What a surprise!! Green!!

Fucking Green!!

It is Earth Day!! Yay!! Had I known about this 48 hours in advance – I would have asked to take a floating holiday.

Click.

Feeling the need to give a little nitrogen back to Mother Earth – I proceed to the sanctity of my Bemis Throned Fortress of Solitude and pull out the Daily Rag. As I peruse the front page headlines of the day, Two jump out.

Story number one. Of course - Breaking News – It’s Earth Day!!

Next.

Story number two. Fortune magazine has ranked the deepest septic tanks of greed. The top 5 are filled with some oldies, but goodies. Three of them are behemoth giant oil companies. Not a surprise, given the ass-fucking they gave us in ’08. Also, the pride of Bentonville and sweat shop owners the world over- Wal-Mart broke into the Cesspool de Cinco.

Then, there it is – sitting at number 5. GE. General Electric. Parent company of who?
Oh, yeah, N.B. fucking C. The guys who are so “disturbed” that the earth is being destroyed by all the carbon emissions out the front door. And out the back door are selling us millions of wind turbines.

As Woodward and Bernstein said, “Follow the money!!”

Here is a headline for you kids – NBC and GE, and for that matter, every other company out there is trying to sell you something!!

Which is fine – just don’t brainwash my kids with your Save the Earth – Buy a Windmill – load of crap. And here is a prediction for you. In 30 or 40 years, when all of the turbines have been sold that can be – there will be another crisis. Maybe, science will discover that the wind turbines have changed the Earth’s natural trade winds or that people can’t have a quiet moment to themselves because of the constant turbine hum heard round the globe. Maybe, it will just be Wolf Blitzer.

But, IT WILL BE SOMETHING!!

Remember when the world crisis heard every evening with Uncle Walter was that the rain forests were going to burn up and we would have no more trees or paper?

I didn’t think so.

As for your humble reporter - I was in Tijuana several weeks ago celebrating Cinco de Tramp Day. I ended up with a raging case of the clap and was summarily prescribed amoxicillin by my local jock doc.

And, this morning, as I looked down to the stewie waters beneath me and began cleaning my under carriage – what to my wondering Charmin-filled hand should appear?
It is my runny, green shit - chased down by some beer. The joke is on me!!

Yeah, Happy Earth Day, Asshole!!

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