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HEREAFTER - Aka…Sixth Sense Kid Finally Gets Laid*

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 14 November 2010

*When writing this review
– Old Dan Cedar was apparently under the mis-assumption that Clint Eastwood’s new movie, Hereafter, was The Sixth Sense II. For full disclosure – this website has decided to publish Mr. Cedar’s review – however misguided and deluded.

When this reviewer, Old Dan Cedar, sat down for a re-visit with one of my favorite characters – the kid from The Sixth Sense - all grow’d up – some twenty years after he helped Bruce Willis remember he was dead. I was hoping that the kid might do the same for the anointed director of this paltry sequel. Yes, one Clint Eastwood.

It’s been a long while since his self-directed turn as gunslinger William Munny in the great movie – Unforgiven. And by the way, Mr. Eastwood, I put your stats in Seems that you’re about six years past your expiration date.

The Hereafter plot in a nutshell – The Kid from the First Sixth Sense is 20 years older, but doesn’t want to HELP dead people anymore. He just wants to IGNORE them and get laid. Did puberty REALLY change THIS kid THAT much? He seemed so committed to helping…

Oh, and by the way Mr. Eastwood, if you had bothered to go back and watch the first movie - you would have realized that the kid DIDN’T HAVE an older brother. But now, all of a sudden – Jay Mohr – appears out of fucking thin air to be his “successful” older brother. How many films has Jay Mohr been in with the great Bruce Willis? Take a look at the scoreboard Josey Wales!!

A SEQUEL?? What the fuck are you thinking?? Maybe, you should shoot for Citizen Kane II…and get that guy from all the Kung Fu shit to star! NUTJOB!!

And that gentleman that you refer to as “a third world director”, M. Night Shyamalan, showed you and the rest of your right-winged, tea-partying asses why America is losing ALL of its jobs to India. Not that your film, Hereafter, doesn’t have some GOOD parts, but there is way too damn much that is both BAD and UGLY.

First of all, your casting of Matt Damon. While blonde – He looks nothing like the pre-pubescent, do-gooder for the dead, from the first film. I think Haley Joel Osment could,quite frankly, use an acting job. Considering that he got robbed for the Best Actor award and I don’t see a sequel to Second Hand Lions in the making.

YOU could have been…like this generation’s American Graffiti director – whose name I don’t recall at the moment – that took Opie Taylor from diapers to, flat-out, movie star.

And the inconsistencies between movies. For God’s sake…In the original – the kid saw dead people everywhere – even when he was just trying to take a piss in the dark.

In your “re-imagined” sequel– ba da bing - Sixth Sense Man has to actually touch people’s hands to get a convo going with the recently departed. It’s like you didn’t even SEE the first movie. Or are you THAT senile and just sitting in your corner chair playing with your Dirty Harry.

Is anybody listening to me????

It’s like I’m TALKING English and everybody else in the world is HEARING Spanish.

Listen up boy! Y Tu Mama Tambien soy mucho sexy ménage movie.

And what the hell is the deal with the Tsunami at the beginning of the movie?

It was a great scene, but just becausethe Fucking Mayans predicted something was going to happen back when you were a kid, doesn’t mean that you have to incorporate it into your racist movies.

Racist, you ask?

Yes, it seem like you and your racial epithet spewing octogenarian buddy, Mel Gibson got together and cock-blocked the bruthas trying to make it into your final version of Hereafter. Newsflash to Mr. Eastwood; It’s not 1914 anymore and it may be time to put your Gran Torino Dragon Dunce Cap in the closet.

You are out of touch old man!! We have a black president for God’s Sake. But in your movie there are exactly ZERO proud brown or black men to add some dignity to your movie.

Nope, there’s not a seat, even in the back of the extra’s bus. THE MAN won’t allow all good people to ride together in peaceful harmony. Like at the end of one of those old David Naughton’s Dr. Pepper commercials from the ‘70s where we all get to dance peacefully and in harmony. Or maybe that was a Coke commercial. But, anyway, you get my point.

Did you ever see Spike Lee’s classic Get On The Bus, Mr. Eastwood? Didn’t think so!!

I knew Rosa Parks. I worked with Rosa Parks painting signs in Selma that said, Give Me My Seat Back – You Damned Cracker.

Mr. Eastwood – You’re no Rosa Parks!!

Tear down that wall of Racism, Mr. Eastwood!!

I won’t say that this movie totally sucks. The French chick that Matt Damon finally fucks at the end of the movie is HOT!! But no pit hair and wears underwear?? Hello, McFly…She’s FUCKING FRENCH!!

Not very realistic. Unlike the original Sixth Sense.

I’ve got a little speech memorized in case I meet up with you Mr. Eastwood.

Old Dan Cedar: “It’s a hell of a thing, killing a man. Take away all he’s got an all he’s ever gonna have.”

Clint Eastwood: “Yea, well, I guess THEY had it coming.”

Old Dan Cedar: “We ALL got it coming, gramps.”

Later Days and Lays, Mr. Eastwood.

Here is hoping that you don’t have many of either left!!

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