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THE HOBBIT - Aka…We Don't Need No Steenking Guns To Kill Orcs And Goblins

By King Hippo - Posted on 28 December 2012

Gollum's Daily Dork Riddle: Who does Dan Cedar most resemble?

A) An Orc B) A Goblin C) A Troll D) A Dwarf

So, a slimmed down Peter Jackson decided to take on the Herculean task of a new Middle Earth trilogy...mmm Hobbit stew.

I have to admit, King Hippo being the closet nerd and all that entails, that he was/is, excited to hear that there would be a new series of Hobbit movies, being that the original trilogy is the best film making in history...and also being that this the only type of movie Jackson is good at...mmm dangling prepositions.

I wasn't holding my breath, however, being that I didn't see how he was going to stretch the original Hobbit novel into nine hours of edge-of-the-seat drama. And a royal "Fuck You, Motherfucker" to any of you douchebags that fell asleep during any of the previous three movies. Of course, this would entail much artistic license with respect to the original story. But Jackson being of the jackalope ingesting aboriginal sort, was definitely up to the job.

The Hobbit is the prequel to the original Lord Of The Rings trilogy, much like the George Lucas prequels to the original Star Wars trilogy, only this one doesn't SUCK. Basically, this is the story of Bilbo Baggins before he got old and grouchy.

The first installment revolves around the tale of how the Jew elves lost their mountain retreat and $crooge McDuck-like vault (filled with gold and jewelry) because of a dragon who decided his squatting rights outweighed the Jew elves' right to have a homestead.

Hmm, sounds just like the jack booted tactics of the way the American government has treated the Native American tribes that were here long before the Anglo-Saxons brought syphilis, small pox and yes, eventually AIDS, to this once-great continent. And don’t even get me started on how this country is going to hang out Israel to dry for the next four years, because you anti-Semitic rubes are still holding grudges against the good people of Jewish heritage.

Oh, how quickly we forget our history.

Remember, it was the Romans that killed Jesus, not the Jews. Yet, somehow, these Wops just wash away history with their sordid lies, give the pope a hundred acres, let him call it “Vatican City” and all hail the REAL purveyors of the crucifixion.

Does the name Pontius Pilate ring a bell? Duh!!

Anyway, I’ve been watching too many shows on the history of the beginnings of Christendom in this most blessed of holiday seasons and yes, once again, I’ve digressed.

So Gandalf enlists Bilbo with a group of guerilla elves to hatch a plan to take back the elves' original mountain home (Israel). In the process, we find out how Bilbo came into the possession of Gollum's gold ring, Precious.

Hint: It has something to do with the Nazis.

We also find out how Dan Cedar's three-chin visage inspired Jackson to create the goblin king character, Scrotum Chin.

So without further ado, the answer to Gollum's riddle is:

E) An unholy amalgamation of all of the above (After Old Dan Cedar’s upcoming gastric bypass).

4 Naybobs

“King” Hippo…Aka - INRI

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