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HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET - Aka...The Sordid Upbringing Of Dan Cedar

By King Hippo - Posted on 18 November 2012


Another"suspense-thriller"that is neither especially suspenseful nor thrilling. I guess the producers were banking on Jennifer Lawrence's (the daughter) name on the marquee to put this putrid mess in the black. On the bright side, all you MILF chasers will be happy to see that Elisabeth Shue has never looked better - yes, even compared to the Elisabeth Shue (the MILF Mom) of twenty years ago.

I know you Rubes watch her every Wednesday night on CSI. Your humble reviewer, King Hippo, prefers to pay for his clench-fisted jollies surrounded by other dolts that share my same public perversions. Whether it costs me $9.00 and a hand full of, soon to be, crusty napkins or not.

I am going to warn you that my review was hatcheted by Old Dan Cedar because I wanted to storyboard the entire movie. This went to about 7,000 words, so my apologies for my lack of details….Spoiler Alert: I am going to go through this entire review without mentioning some hot chick and give her five Naybobs at the end of my review.

The general gist is…Newly divorced,former high school slut and current emergency room MD mom Shue, has reconnected with her estranged daughter after the untimely death of their ex-husband/father.

Really? How many former high school sluts decided to clean themselves up and go to med school? Really? Let's be honest and admit that they ALL wanted three things: 1) to get fucked every night, 2) to have a sugar daddy to take care of them the rest of their lives, and 3) to have all the attention that they desired lavished on them by their "man" or they would find it elsewhere.

Come on, raise your hands all you losers who dated white trash like this and later asked yourselves, "What the hell was I thinking?" King Hippo is in the same boat as the rest of you shlubs...the only difference is that all of the sluts I dated are buried under a newly poured slab of my grandmother's brand new four car garage. If you hear any moaning, it’s not that they are still alive. It’s the consensual, ongoing, gang-bang sessions of Elisabeth Shue, by Dan Cedar and King Hippo, self-jizzing, on the ballparked location of the aforementioned granny’s garage slab, where the whores wait for Old Dan’ and The King’s banana juice.

Believe me; I can barely hear the dead whores calling for my King Kum over the non-stop blaring from my 17 inch, rabbit-eared Zenith TV…and the South Park re-runs and my continuously loud cackling. Oh, but I hear their craving voices…try, as I might, to ignore them.

Anyway, mom the MD, and our earnest snaggletoothed Jewel Kilcher look-alike teenager, Lawrence, move into a ritzy rural neighborhood only to find out that the great deal that they are getting on the rent is due to the dilapidated house at the end of the street where a couple was murdered by their daughter years, after the some bratty little girl sustained a brain injury when she fell off a swing that she and her brother were riding.

The brother, Ryan, played by Max Thieriot, the son who lives like a hermit in the house and as we find out later, takes care of his deranged sister who lives in a secret room below the basement.

Hmm, this is all strangely autobiographically like King Hippo's life.

The story unfolds with twist after twist until the real story is revealed...which brings us to the reason Dan Cedar is currently editing the SMR website in a padded cell at an unnamed institution for the criminally insane.

The twist of this review is that it is not the life of King Hippo but that of Dan Cedar. Dan, just keep telling yourself that it wasn't your fault that your parents were crack smoking members of the 47% of non, tax-paying Americans who dressed you up in girls’ clothing and called you by your deceased sister's name, Helga.

Enjoy the next four years that your parent’s wrought.


1 Naybob for the Movie.

2 Naybobs for the current padded cell Dan Cedar is Living In.

3 Naybobs for Jennifer Lawrence.

4 Naybobs for Elisabeth Shue

5 Naybobs for Jordan Hayes AKA "Carrie Ann IV" (If you saw the movie…you would know who this hottie is.) Since you didn’t…You’ll have to trust The King or have enough gen to search IMDB.

King Hippo

Find Old Dan Cedar on Facebook and Twitter. Don’t waste your time looking for me. Unless it’s on a high rise building near the White House.

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