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HYDE PARK ON HUDSON - Aka...Woody Woodpecker Meets Porky Pig


By King Hippo - Posted on 29 December 2012

"Charming!" "Radiant!" "Delightful!" "Splendid!" I can hear the comments from the genteel among you. In fact, this movie is nothing more than a sordid expose of the shameless philandering of none other than the second favorite Democrat among the lib lapdogs in America - Franklin Delano ‘Woody’ Roosevelt.

The movie is basically a slice in time during the weekend in 1939 that King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth ‘The Queen Mother’, journeyed to America to ask for help with the impending invasion by Nazi Germany. Yes, this movie is the perfect interlude between 2010's The King's Speech and 2011's W.E. All three portray ‘Bertie’ (George VI) at different stages in his life. Yeah, I know, EVERYBODY has a fucking nickname. It’s like a fucking baseball team…this fucking movie.

Here’s a cheat sheet:

George VI – ‘Bertie’ (Not to be confused with Edward VII (his father, who was also called Bertie). Also, called 'Porky' (Due to his meandering, stammering attempts to conquer even the most modest sentence.)

Elizabeth – ‘The Queen Mum’ (Not to be confused with her daughter Elizabeth II).

FDR – ‘Woody’ (Not to be confused with an erect, post-polio penis or son of a hit man actor or the screwball, pestering, Woodpecker 'laugh' which FDR has acquired while incessantly trying to ignore the dust bowl, the great depression and the impending World War).

Eleanor Roosevelt – ‘First Lesbo’ - First Lesbian First Lady and cousin to FDR – (Not to be confused with Hilary ‘Lesbo’ Rodham). The ‘Second Lesbo’ First Lady.

Margaret Stuckley – ‘Daisy’ – FDR’s mistress that this movie is based upon who was also a cousin of FDR. Not to be confused with another of FDR’s mistresses… Lucy, ‘FDR’s Secretary’ Mercer. Lucy was apparently the only ‘non-cousin’ that FDR banged behind the First Lesbo’s back.

So, in conclusion, FDR was the prototypical Democratic President, who called on America’s moral courage and sacrifice from the country, while banging any work underling or blood-relative to relieve his sexual requirements.

Just think, if you could genetically splice DNA from ‘Bertie’ and ‘Woody’, you could get South Park's Jimmy ‘HandiCapable’ Valmer.

The movie is narrated first person by ‘Woody's’ fifth cousin, Margaret ‘Daisy’ Stuckley. Taken from diary entries and letters from the President, ‘Daisy’ recounts the events leading up to her becoming one of ‘Woody's’ many, many mistresses.

Jesus Christ, this from someone who's paralyzed from the waist down! Can you imagine if ‘Woody’ didn't have polio? He'd have as many mistresses as Bill Clinton and JFK combined and probably still banging Stalin at Yalta!

While King Hippo, your humble reviewer, can barely sustain an erection with Mexican Viagra, Internet Porn and my standing commitment to substantial cookie purchases from any scantily dressed Girl Scout that is willing to approach my humble abode after dark with an offer of deeply discounted ‘Thin Mints’.

Bill Murray is sublime as ‘Woody’ and the critics who disagree with me or feel that this was not an accurate portrayal of FDR may fuck themselves in the ass with a four foot barber's pole. Actually, there are several stand-out performances, notably Samuel West as ‘Bertie’, and Olivia Colman as ‘Elizabeth’. The acting throughout is excellent.

And even though the story may seem meandering, this is the type of story that it is.

And for those movie goers who don't like movies that start with the story already in full gear and those of you who don't like abrupt endings, you may all FUCK YOURSELVES IN THE ASS WITH A RIDING LAWNMOWER.

FDR should be grateful for living in the era that he did.

Could you imagine Joe ‘Plugs’ Biden as his vice president? That jackass would be telling people to watch their non-existent TVs for further information from the president, and every time the two of them were in public together, ‘Plugs’ would yell out, "stand up Woody, let 'em see ya!"

To which FDR would reply, "huh huh huh HA HA, huh huh huh HA HA, huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!”

Then, Jimmy ‘Handicapable’ Valmer would pipe in with, “Now, if we can just get Kanye West to stop humping the Grouper."

And from the best seat in the house we hear that distinctive Guffaw. "Huh huh huh HA HA, huh huh huh HA HA, huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!”

Wow!! What a great audience.”

4 Naybobs

King Porky

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