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Jesus Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

By Ian Specter - Posted on 14 August 2010

(Jerusalem, Israel) *Well known Jew hater and so-called messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, mistakenly rose from the dead and was summarily arrested in Jerusalem after three concentration camp survivors fingered the purported lord and savior as actually having been Ivan the Terrible – the infamous Nazi SS guard of the Treblinka extermination camp during World War II.

Christian witnesses charged that the men had been whipped into a frenzy after having attended a local Friday night at the park - double feature showing of The Eternal Jew followed by Schindler’s List.

The “three-wise men” – were identified by the internationally well-respected Hasidic Rabbi - Leif Garrett.

The three had been staying at the Simon Wiesenthal Center for the Aged and Infirmed Jewish Victims of the Holocaust. Rabbi Garrett continued, “The three wise men found me shortly after the end of the Spielberg film, and pointed out the anointed one who was already showing off. HE was doing some kind of catch a bullet in his teeth trick that I had seen Penn and Teller do at the Rio in Las Vegas – three fucking years ago!”

“Are you kidding me? Come on people!”

The Mossad, the Jewish secret police, quickly surrounded “The King of Jews” and deliberately asked him a confusing question - “Was there a sale on buy-one, get-one free pork chops in the area?” Momentarily bewildered – the police were able to take Him into captivity.

Upon His release, Jesus half-heartedly attempted to explain, “I don’t know exactly what happened. It’s kind of like when you have a sneezing fit and you just lose control and a little pee slips out of your bladder. I was talking to Rodney Dangerfield and he was telling me some hilarious stories about the filming of CaddyShack.”

Jesus continued, “Dangerfield was standing around cracking jokes with Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin. He was ribbing them about Jews controlling the media said something about ‘getting Oliver Stone up here to put you guys in context.’”

“We were all howling!!”

“I laughed so hard that – I lost control. All the sudden. I was Risen!”

“The next things I know – these three old guys – Chico, Harpo and Groucho - have their Uzi sub-machine guns trained on me.”

Upon hearing of Jesus’ capture– John Demjanjuk who had been held since 1982 as the suspected guard Ivan the Terrible – was immediately released from captivity.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu promptly offered a full pardon and apologized for Mr. Demjanjuk’s “regrettable and untimely confinement.”

When asked to explain why he was so quick to assume the guilt of Jesus and the fact that He is, indeed, the horrific SS Nazi guard, Ivan the Terrible, Netanyahu (moving his hands oddly and paraphrasing the Jewish TV detective Monk) explained, “You just don’t get it. This is THE GUY. He did it. Except for his disheveled appearance and unkempt hair and beard - He is the perfect Nazi.”

“And He will serve as a reminder to the world for the remainder of time that Nazism will never die.”

“I fully expect that this arrest will satisfy Jews’ blood lust for hundreds of years to come. My great grandchildren will be able to come and look at this man and have a touchstone with a living, breathing, Nazi. Because, as you and I know, there aren’t too many Nazis still hanging out on the street corner – ordered up like Manna from heaven to feed our people’s vengeance anymore.”

*This newspaper account is used with the expressed written permission of The Bethlehem Star from personal accounts of Mort Zuckerman, Jonah Goldberg and Mort Kondracke.

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