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THE KING'S SPEECH - Aka...The Coronation Of Porky Pig

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 19 February 2011

So, Old Dan Cedar’s prediction for Best Picture and Best Actor is The King’s Speech and Colin Fir…Fir…Firth, but obviously, these are NOT MY choices – just MY guesses. So, I take it as my sworn, solemn duty to tell you why – AS USUAL - Hollywood is WRONG.

What the Academy Awards have lately been reduced to is handing out golden statuettes for actors/films and directors producing movies about half-witted gimps, quirky mass murderers and the occasional glorification of turmoiled, homosexual artists and politicians, book marked by the occasional aged, terminally liver-spotted and infirmed actor that snatches an Oscar just prior to circling the posthumous drain.

Mr. Firth will get the award this year as an attempt to make up for The Academy not hoisting him on their shoulders after his muted portrayal of a closeted homosexual in 2009.

People of my generation tend to like to drift into “Good Old Day” syndrome.

Had Hollywood done the right thing – they would have pre-empted Who Framed Roger Rabbit in 1988 and given the great Mel Blanc the Academy Award that he so desperately merited before his untimely death at age 89.

It used to be that a 2 hour plus movie, with a smattering of the King’s English, was sure to get at least a dozen Oscar nods, but the times have been a changin’ – Mr. Dylan.

Of course, the good old days had their drawbacks.

No, not Jim Crowe laws, Mr. Progressive!!

I am talking about the seriousness with which greats like Mel Blanc and Chuck Jones were treated by the Academy of Arts and Motion Pictures. Although he voiced three different roles in 1958’s Best Animated Short winner Knighty Knight Bugs – Mr. Blanc was given no personal recognition.

What a bunch of maroons!!

My re-imagined treatment would give Mr. Blanc a final chance at the big gold trophy.

This King’s Speech would have King George VI (Porky Pig) being tutored out of Stammerville, UK by speech therapist from central Virginia, Lionel Logue (Foghorn Leghorn) and taunted by the cunning linguist, Sir Winston Churchill (Bugs Bunny).

While watching his father dying – the future king tries to understand why he has been a sickly child, graduated at the bottom of his university class and gets a medal from his mother every time he completes a sentence in under 10 seconds with the contingency that he doesn’t expectorate enough spittle on the floor to send servants scrambling for a squeegee – so as to protect the fancy pants flittering about Windsor Castle.

King George VI (Porky Pig) speaking to his dying daddy king: “T-t-t-tell me – Fa, Fa, Fa..Hmm...Da..Da…Daddy i-i-is there any insanity in our family?”

King Dad (Peter O ‘Toole): “I’m christening a babbling idiot – to be king of the greatest, richest empire the world has ever known - with carte blanche to fornicate with any woman in our land because your effeminate heterosexual brother, Edward, would rather fuck an American divorcee - than get his ass bombed into oblivion by Hitler’s blitzkrieg. Ahhh, true love…I will let you read between the lines – my little Ninny. It probably hasn’t helped - that our royal family has been in-breeding for nearly a millennium. And you, my boy, are our collective gift to the world. I will give you one piece of advice. You might let Churchill do most of the talking. Good Night and Good Luck." (King George V dies).

King George VI (Porky Pig) ignores his father’s words of advice and saunters down to ask for help with his stuttering problem. He lights a cigarette and tells the speech therapist: “M..m…my physicians have told me to smoke because it re..ree- it relaxes the throat.”

Foghorn Leghorn (Speech Therapist Logue): “Any idyut knows that sucking smoke into ur lungs will Kill Ya. And you can take that from a Virginian.”

King George VI (Porky Pig): “Y-y-you can't fool me. I have a high I.Q.”

Foghorn Leghorn (Speech Therapist Logue): “Explain yoself! Yer tongue's aflappin' but no noise is comin' outa yer big mouth!”

King George VI (Porky Pig): ”H-h-h-help! I-i-i-i-i-indians are coming! I-i-i-i-indians! B-b-b-bows and arrows! T-t-t-tomah-h-hatchets! T-t-t-tee-puh, puh, puh! Wigwams! All kinds of - all kinds of stuff like that there!”

Foghorn Leghorn (Speech Therapist Logue): "Slow down Paul Revere - You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin'. It’s the damn Natzi’s – That’s who’s a comin’. You’re about as timid as a cat at a canary show."

Bugs (Wearing a top hat): Chewing on a carrot (looks at the camera) “Ain't this monotonous?”

King George VI (Porky Pig): Walks out on the balcony and looks out on the hushed crowd. And says “I h-hate HITL…HITL…-Shicklegruber and TOJ…TOJ...”

King George VI (Porky Pig) runs away from the balcony and walks up to Winston Churchill (Bugs Bunny) and says: “Ca..Ca..Can you me out here Winnie?

Winston Churchill (Bugs Bunny) says:“Eh, ok doc, l'll do it, but I'll probably hate myself in the morning!”

Winston Churchill (Bugs Bunny) solemnly steps out on the balcony and up to the microphone. The crowd becomes hushed. Churchill speaks: “Bric-a-bracka, Firecracker! Sis, boom, bah! Winnie Churchill! Winnie Churchill! Rah! Rah! Rah!”

The English crowds go crazy.

Cut to an isolated Adolf Hitler in a bunker listening to the speech over his radio. Pulls out a gun and kills himself!!

Cut back to crowds of English countrymen carrying Bugs on their shoulders and yelling: “The Pig King is Dead! Long live King Bugs!!”

Bugs looks at the camera from the hoisted masses: “Gee! Ain’t I a stinker!!”

As for Mel Blanc, Jack Benny once said, “There were only five real people in Hollywood. The rest are Mel Blanc.”

And he doesn’t even have one Oscar. But don’t say I didn’t give it a half-ass try!!

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