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DARK KNIGHT RISES – Aka…Gimp Goes Gotham


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 31 July 2012

Ya know, with all of the crap that has been spewed out by Hollywood and its plethora of Boy-Toy, Com-Con, infatuated, Superheroes. It is not merely having felt conned with the snake oil that has been peddled by the movie industry for the past dozen years. 3D effects, 3 hour “films”, or just bad actors.

Shitty actors escape you? Shitty movies escape you?

Here ya go: Ben Affleck in Daredevil, Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider, Halle Berry in Catwoman, Jennifer Garner in Elektra, Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four, Eric Bana in Hulk. Mind you, all of these movies have rectumfied this nation in the dozen years since this millennium began. Ugghh!!

Now, I could go on, but as Shakespeare said, Brevity is the soul of wit”, and although I never thought Will was all that witty, or for that matter brief, I will get on with it.

Bringing me to Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Rises. Nice story that tidies up this trilogy. But at 2 hours and 43 minutes…it’s a slow rise. If it took Old Dan Cedar that long to get it up, my wife, Bibs Detroit would be sawing logs and I would be left on my own to rectify my own log.

The bad guy, Bane, has a giant gag ball that covers his mouth. He looks basically like the gimp from Pulp Fiction after his 300th cycle of anabolic steroids. He speaks through some kind of voice-modifying device that is probably supposed to give one the feeling of a Darth Vader bad guy.

But, spooky, it is not.

Bane sounds like he was voiced by Dan Quayle using a $12.89 Toysmith Multi-Voice Changer that was purchased on eBay.

One might say that it is comical.

Not the tone that is trying to be set by Christopher Nolan since he began taking us to the dark side of Batman.

I can only imagine Heath Ledger rolling over in his grave. How is somebody going to come out depraved and suicidal after sleepwalking through this banal villain role?

The other new piece of bad-ass tuna in this movie is Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Yes, the chick that completely stunk up the Academy Awards while vacantly co-hosting a few years back.

Although I would have nominated my favorite right-winged GILF, Laura Bush, to be Catwoman…it was not to be. Instead, my least-favorite, left-winged DILF, Anne Hathaway, was given this new bowl of warm milk over which to lap.

More filled with angst, I could not have been.

But, to my surprise, my little elfin, elf-like “actress” was really good…. And, yes, I do realize that she has sucked in every movie in which she has ever appeared, but she was absolutely, huhhummm…purrfect as Catwoman. Sexy, seductive and bursting of bright, red lipstick that served as a flashing neon vacancy sign that said, “I would do anything to get that big, black 42 ounce fleshy Bat…jam packed down my Cat Throat Motel, if given a chance to tuck you in to your bat nap-sack around my Ruby Red Stained Lip Penthouse.”

The movie drags, of course, trying to do too much. But the basics of the story are solid and in the end, ties up the trilogy nicely.

A little advice to Christopher Nolan, the director who has shown absolutely no restraint in editing since Memento in 2000:

DEAR CHRIS, IT IS NOT A CIRCUMCISION!! YOU AREN’T
LESS OF A MAN OR A DIRECTOR OR A BAT MAN IF YOU CUT A LITTLE EXTRA FORESKIN OFF!! AS MY WIFE, BIBS DETROIT, HAS TRIED TO TELL ME FOR YEARS…IF SHE HAS A HAPPY ENDING, IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW LONG IT IS OR HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET TO SAID ENDING.

Of course, this is said only within the confines of our bedroom.

Anytime she sees a hideous guy with a hot girl, she says, “Either he is rich as shit or has a giant cock.”

Every time I see one of Nolan’s movies lately, I think he closely resembles a tiny dwarf of a man that needs a step stool to get into his giant black Ford 4X4 that he has jacked up, ten feet off the ground.

But, I have no doubt that he is rich as shit.

He would still be rich as shit with 45 minutes less on his Rising Dark Knight.

OLD DAN CEDAR
3 Naybobs

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