By Ian Specter - Posted on 06 March 2010

(Washington, D. C.) Today - another drop was felt in the torrential downpour of seemingly never ending attempts to overstate the perils of continuing any traditional American pastimes that are quasi-enjoyable. The American Academy of Pediatrics called for a warning label on hot dogs and asked hot dog makers to come up with a different design. Dr. Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington – Nationwide Children’s Hospital spokesperson said, “If I took the nation’s best engineers and asked them to design the perfect plug for a young child’s airway, you couldn’t get much better than a hotdog. The 20 billion hotdogs sold per year lead to 1700 emergency room visits. Doctor’s recommend the Heimlich maneuver if a child is choking. Boom goes the dynamite.”

The National Organization of Women (NOW) chimed-in with their ever-present browbeating opinion saying that, “if this is the case – then all things phallic must be immediately redesigned”. Spokes eunuch, Billie Jean King said, “We applaud the recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics, fully support the government-owned Chevrolet and have always been connoisseurs of Apple Pie.

But we strongly feel that these proposals do not go far enough. It is not just children’s airways that are getting unfairly plugged. Dozens of women with TMJ(temporomandibular joint disorder) and Phallophobia (fear of all things penal) are mandated by the opposite sex into oral gratification that can no longer be tolerated. We call on the transgender community to join us in urging this president and congress to mandate anything and everything with a phallic contour be transformed into a taco-shaped reasonable facsimile. This is the only solution palatable to people of all shapes, sizes, afflictions and sexual orientations. If we can save just one innocent girl with TMJ from a trip to the emergency room – this will all be worth it.”

Present day Christian Scientist and one-time actor, John Travolta, was asked to comment on the statement from Ms. King. Travolta smirked and smiled while running his hands through his hair and said, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!” He then laughed at his apparent cleverness, combed his hair and haughtily strutted from the room in his stone-washed, bell-bottomed jeans.

Ron Palillo, Newly elected President and Spokesperson of NAMBLA (North American Boy Love Association), while not asked his opinion, said, in response to NOW’s proclamation in his overly-emphasized Brooklyn accent, “Oooo, Oooo, What would you expect from those taco munching Lesbos? I know…I know…I mean, my organization and all of our 114 members are diametrically opposed to this bullying tactic. And if we must ally ourselves with the newly formed Tea Party zealots and sway the next election – while regrettable – we WILL do so. In conclusion, and at the risk of mixing my metaphors - I would make a case for a calm and level head in this sea of iniquity. My sources indicate there are hundreds of E.R. visits every decade that can be attributed to rancid tacos sopped in unhygienic topical juice and pubic hair by fat, sweaty hogs.

The cattle are dying.

That’s a fact – Mr Kotter. Look it up my friend.”

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.