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Laser Treatment Targeted For Porn Pelt

By Ian Specter - Posted on 22 April 2009

LIVERMORE, California - The Department of Energy announced today that the National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA) has certified the completion of the world's most powerful laser. The National Ignition Facility (NIF) at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (LLNL) is the culmination of 10 years of work at a cost of around 3.5 billion dollars.

The historic laser is said to be able to simulate the energy force of a hydrogen bomb. Researchers are hoping a series of experiments will allow it to eventually mimic the heat and pressure found at the core of the sun or at least the inner core of the Earth, known by some as the “magma”. "The NIF is well on its way to achieving breakthroughs in science never imagined," said Dr. Theo "Ted" Nugent at the press conference held at NIF headquarters on Sunday to coincide with opening round of the NBA playoffs.

Noted actor Ron Jeremy has been tapped for one of the first experiments to utilize the laser's phenomenal power. This will entail an attempt to remove the previously impervious pelt growing on the pop-porn culture icon's back. This reporter's initial attempt for comment from the actor was met with this four letter tirade: "How the hell would I know what Ron Jeremy thinks, you fucking moron! I'm Stan Van Gundy!"

When the actual Ron Jeremy was finally contacted, he was nearly in tears at the prospect of finally being able to shed his nickname, "The Hedgehog," after completion of the laser treatments.

In a related story, a belligerent Dr. Evil was escorted from the premises after his offer to purchase the “laser” for one million dollars was summarily rebuffed. He was heard shouting, "You haven't heard the last of Dr. Evil!" as he was heaved ass over tea kettle into a dumpster behind the loading dock.

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