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ME AND ORSON WELLES - AKA….Anyone Under 50 Should Stay The Fuck Away

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 24 December 2009

Here’s a little quiz. Do you know ANYTHING about Orson Welles, Joseph Cotten, or John Houseman? Have you any idea how to pick out a fine wine for some dinner guests?

That’s what I thought.

Unless you are on the highly elevated intellectual plane of King Hippo or Yours Truly – I will guarantee that your WWE-UFC-PCP loving Blue Plate Special of Shit-For-Brains-Sandwich doesn’t know that the Asti-Spumante that your boss gave you as a Christmas present - has Noble Rot.

YOU think it just seems really sweet, right?

Go ahead and Google it, dumbass. I will wait here for you.

Welcome Back,Mongo!!

Not scared away yet? How is this?

I watched this movie in the fourth most populated city in America where it was showing on one screen in a town of 4 million – a week after it opened. And there were only 5 of my of my Menses' associates imbibing this delicate bouquet.

Go ahead and Google this one too, you dullard. I’ll be waiting.

So NOW you know what city Old Dan Cedar is in.


I will be looking for your pan-handling for cigarette-money-ass the next time I pull in the Onyx Topless Bar.

Look – you aren’t even old enough to know who Vinny Barbarino was in 1975, much less the slurringly drunk and bloated, former shell-of-himself, Orson Welles, circa that same time frame, hocking Paul Mason’s screw-top California vintage. So, don’t even act like you understand the greatness of Welles’ genius in the Mercury Theatre - some forty years prior. Excuse me if I have my doubts of your mental acuity.

If you are still reading, I will assume, for the moment, that you have your AARP card and can keep up. The rest of you can skip to the last paragraph of this review.

The Cadavers that are still with me…This is a movie that will put you back in your distantly euphoric childhood - 1937. The Great DepressionAmelia Earhart’s disappearanceFDR stacking the Supreme Court …Good Times!!

Hey - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme – I ain't done with you - so keep up!!

This movie follows a young actor, played by Zac Efron, and the tyrannical, brilliant, 22 year-old Orson Welles, played by Christian McKay, through the re-imagined production and opening night of Mercury Theatre’s adaptation of Shakespeare’s, Julius Caesar.

This brings me to the most off-putting portion of the movie.

Dig this, Methuselah, it’s gonna be a little tough. You may need fiber optics to fire off neurons to snap you out of what generally serves as your pre-Alzheimer’s existence. Zac Efron is glass of milk – like, say, maybe your great-grandson’s age. He is and adequate actor – actually better than I expected, but has more oomph than any doll in the movie – to the point of distraction. Also, his eyebrows are like two giant black caterpillars perching dangerously close to his peepers. He appears perilously close to transforming into Brooke Shields at any given moment. Remember her? She married Andre Agassi back twenty years ago – right after your third wife disappeared with her personal riding instructor – to Brazil – never to be heard from again.

We see Welles at his most precocious, world-at-his-feet stage –a definite out-and-outer. Gaining the tools that would bring him to world-renowned brilliance with War of The Worlds and Citizen Kane.

Mamaw and Papaw – Think of this movie as Beaulieu Vineyard Reserve Clone 337 Cabernet Sauvignon Rutherford 04 – This dark ruby-violet reveals a bouquet of currants, herbs and black raspberry with pepper. There is a lovely hint of smoky oak with coffee overtones and a hint of Bordeaux-like cassis-cedar nuance. For a wine from such young vines, this is very stylish. Much like you were some 70 years ago.

Now - being that your moth-eaten human flesh is expeditiously rotting – I will dispense with the colloquialisms from the 1930s and the thick-headed wine references.

Go see this movie quickly - if for no other reason than to watch the intensely brilliant (yes, I actually used that line and I mean it) performance by Christian McKay as Welles. It is almost surrealistic to watch.

He is destined to sit down beside James Lipton on Inside The Actors Studio to divulge his favorite curse word and other-such banalities. This will shortly give you something to babble incessantly about to the stranger drooling in the bed next to you - in your, semi-private, government-procured, nursing home room.

Welcome Back Gen Xers

Did you enjoy that episode of Two And A Half Men last night? Wasn’t Ginger Lynn’s ex-boyfriend so fucking witty and clever and shit with his overly-tanned legs and bowling shirt? He is a lot more endearing when you don’t have to watch him beat his wife and choke down his daily cocktail of protease inhibitors and his 2000 mg of Valtrex. A man-whore that, no-doubt, the young Orson Welles would have been proud with whom to associate. As - I am sure - would you.

Like I said, half-wit…Stay home! This movie ain’t for you!!

Now, grab you a Red Bull, start bragging about the new Ink, on your bicep and pop in that well-worn DVD of Jackass VI .

Sit back, let your mind go numb - and enjoy!

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