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George W. Bush implicated in death of Michael Jackson


By Ian Specter - Posted on 07 July 2009

Washington, D.C. - On the eve of the crucial Cap and Trade bill vote, a joint statement by House and Senate leaders’ Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reed accused former president George W. Bush of causing pop icon Michael Jackson's premature death.

When asked to elaborate on their accusations, Pelosi and Reed referred to the fact that former president Bush was the mastermind behind 911, caused the AIDS epidemic in sub-Saharan Africa, and is the sole reason the Muslim world hates the United States. "It would stand to reason," opined Pelosi, "that George W. Bush also caused Michael Jackson's death." When pressed to give more concrete proof of their assertions by Washington D.C.’s tenured, local spinster and centuries-old inside-reporter, Helen Thomas, Reed’s reply was, "ask around, see for yourself."

A call to Al Sharpton confirmed Pelosi and Reeds' suspicions. "It's a well known fact that George W. Bush hates black people," lectured Sharpton. "I mean, look what he did to the good people of New Orleans when he steered Hurricane Katrina right smack dab on top of them!...And then had the gall to blow up the levees to boot!"

Billionaire financier George Soros was approached later in the day after a meeting for comment. "Of course George Bush should be the prime suspect; he's the Hitler of our time isn't he?" "My family is Jewish and was persecuted by the Nazis. Do you think Nazis love African-Americans?" Shaking his head in disbelief, Soros' last retort was "put two and two together, it should be obvious."

Embattled newly elected Minnesota senator and prankster Al Franken was quick to point out that "Michael Jackson probably should have died years ago, but because George W. Bush enjoys slowly torturing people, he got to bask in Michael’s excruciating demise over years - instead of days. In fact, I was given inside information from Sean Penn that The King of Pop was actually in Guantanamo Bay being water boarded when everyone thought that he was living the life of luxury in a high rise in Dubai.”

Being a new senator, I am privy to confidential CIA memos and although I am not crystal clear on the subtleties of national security, I have seen documents that indicate that more than 80 percent of Mr. Jackson’s plastic surgery can be attributed to the torture that he received in Cuba.

In a related story, Ryan O'Neal accused George W. Bush of giving anal cancer to his deceased longtime companion Farrah Fawcett. "Everyone knows he (Bush) likes to stick it to you in the rear. It's a miracle the entire country doesn't have ass cancer!"

And the estate of David Carradine is fingering the former president as being the "rope man" in the unfortunately timed death of the longtime actor.

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