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THE BACK-UP PLAN - Aka...VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!


By Lady Spamalot - Posted on 17 July 2010

That’s right, this movie is all about that most hallowed tunnel of love on which most men desire to float - and where most women try to snatch their dream dick!

Not only do you have to own a vagina to even consider seeing this movie, but that’s the focal point of the entire film. And - not just J-Lo's love gash.

Granted – you aren’t expecting
a Terry Zwigoff production. It’s J-Lo! NOT Scarlett Jo!

The Back-up Plan is that J-Lo is using artificial insemination (A.I.) - because she can’t get pregnant. And, as our re-titled premise suggests, this movie begins with J-Lo flat on her back, legs in the air, waiting for the artificial insemination to saturate her vagina. Wait, I think I mean uterus. Either way, the movie never recovers from this point. It continues a downhill slide (all puns intended) with scene after scene of J-Lo trying to come across as a twenty-something with maternal options.

>J-Lo is still in her 20's? Seems only 50 years ago that she burst on the scene to rave reviews in Selena. Followed by decades of People magazine articles on all minutiae of her quasi-interesting love life. And the multitude of stories on, of course, her ass!!

So, she has stretched her talent from her ass to her vagina in a mere half a century!

A virtual public episiotomy.

Now, you may be asking why your humble reviewer bothered seeing this Womb fest in the first place? Well, a) I have a vagina (but not a uterus, not anymore); and b) I was hoping for another Maid in Manhattan. Yea, I said it – I liked MIM.
It made the common girl believe she too could have an ass the size of Miami, don an expensive suit and land a gorgeous, sensitive, successful guy with just a random encounter in the park.

My hopes were soon dashed because after the opening scene in the ob-gyn’s office J-Lo dons an expensive dress with the same Miami-Sized Ass and proceeds to meet a gorgeous, sensitive, successful guy through a contrived struggle over which of the two future love interests should get a taxicab.

Whilst the guy, Alex O’Loughlin is easy on the eyes, he is not even close to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Back to the riveting saga of J-Lo’s vagina…

As fate would have it, that random encounter over a taxicab sparks a sequence of manufactured events where they meet up again, go on a date, and he turns out to be a cheating son of a bitch. Now - keep in mind that this is a love story - where every cheating son of a bitch is just a contrivance that will allow a happy ending to be splayed forth in Act 3 on the unsuspecting dunces huddled around the big screen.

The boy love interest is so drawn to J-Lo that he just can’t help himself and we have to suffer through his pining for her with big puppy eyes and stolen glances at her "Miami".

Not the vagina – not yet.

That’s later - in a BARN FULL OF CHEESE – that Alex’s family owns. And they do it like rabbits because
DING, DING, DING… she’s actually been pregnant since the original A.I. and rampant with elevated hormones! Yes! So, he’s a cheating son of a bitch and she is a whore.

Another contrivance.

And here begins the truly awful dynamics of the movie. Watching the two adjust from horny rabbits to responsible adults is brutal.

And - as predicted - He turns out to NOT be a cheating s.o.b., but, instead - a slacker “student” who was “studying” with an ex-girlfriend. She, of course, isn’t a “whore”, but rather a woman with no “acting skills” that reverts to her real-life instincts when presented with a role that she can't handle.

There is another manufactured plot twist where J-Lo joins a Single Mothers support group charter. Yada, Yada, Yada…turns out the support group’s leader and her pregnant lover are gonna be mommy and daddy (yes, they’re lesbians). J-Lo gets invited to their party where the next Vaginal – if not Seminal - moment occurs in a kiddie pool! With full frontal shots of the pregnant lesbian’s fetus – or is it a baby, now??? Completely emerging from her VAGINA!
It is at this point when the movie loses all credibility.

Clearly, they were attempting to emulate the shock value that “Knocked Up” created with Heigl’s vagina shot at birth. And it failed. Epically. Even J-Lo passing out in the kiddie pool full of after-birth couldn’t save the scene. It was simply gross.

Thankfully, I had already consumed my box of junior mints because I am NOT exaggerating.

It was gross!!

Expectedly, the movie drags on and on and on. The Back-up Plan becomes The Break-Up because Alex can’t prove to J-Lo enough that he wants the babies that are about to drop out of her vagina. (NOTE: not only did the A.I.take the very first time, but she’s having twins! That’s gonna stretch out the vagina, no doubt!)

J-Lo takes the boyfriend back and the next day gives birth to two ugly red-headed babies. And if only that was the end of it…no, no, there is more.

The boyfriend turns out to be an aspiring restaurant owner and proposes to her at the grand opening of his place. He dedicates it all to her, blah, blah, blah…

And just when you thought it was FINALLY over, they embrace, he picks her up and spins her around and she promptly vomits into a garbage can…just like the patrons did - upon exiting the theater after suffering through an hour and thirty-eight minutes of a crappy vagina story.

If there is a sequel, my Miami ass is not sitting through it. But I WILL guarantee that there will be hordes o’ overly-sentimental dumbasses that will plunk down their hard-earned cash - so that their love-forsaken hearts can be whisked away on another excessively sentimental trip down another love canal to nowhere. I think there is a Springsteen song somewhere in there.

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