ZERO DARK THIRTY – Aka…Bigelow Busts Inaugural Balls sticky icon

For those faithful lambs that follow Old Dan Cedar like King Hippo shadows an Ice Cream Truck…slowly and deliberately through the suburban towns of America in a white Pedo van, you are probably already aware that your humble reviewer has previously declared Stevie Spielberg’s Lincoln as the Best Moving Picture of 2012.

Looks like, I’m gonna have to pull Keith Jackson out of retirement and give y’all a big, “Whoa, Nellie!!”

Don’t get me wrong…Stevie and his little homage to the greatest president of all time WILL come away with the golden statuettes in late February, but as Ed Murphy said, “There’s a new sheriff in town”.

It just ain’t Reggie Hammond.

This new Sheriff is one Jessica Chastain. She plays a CIA operative (Maya) that is obsessed with tracking down a 6’4” singular hunk of shit. One Osama Bin Laden. She’s a woman with a badge and she’s every swinging dick’s worst nightmare. As a bonus, she makes Old Dan Cedar’s teeny weanie hard when the wind blows. And I’ve NEVER been to prison.

CHICAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT RETIRES GERMAN SHEPHERDS sticky icon

Chicago, IL - During a fun filled CPD (Chicago Police Department) annual employees’ picnic, sponsored by Shipley’s, police Chief Clancy Wiggum Jr. announced that the entire squad of canine patrol dogs will be retired. The officers assigned to canine patrol will have first dibs on their individual dogs and if any go unclaimed, the remainder will be retrained as service animals for the deaf, dumb, and/or blind.

THIRD IMMIGRANT KILLED AFTER BEING PUSHED IN FRONT OF ONCOMING SUBWAY TRAIN sticky icon

Gotham City - Fresh on the heels of the death of an Indian immigrant at the 40th Street subway station, Scottish immigrant Hamish MacNoonan died after sustaining injuries from being pushed off the 63rd Street subway platform into the path of an oncoming commuter train.

United States senator Robert "Bob" Menendez has been detained for questioning. Menendez has also been alleged to have stiffed prostitutes while vacationing in the Dominican Republic, agreeing to pay $500 for services rendered, then ultimately paying them only $100. Prior to the allegations, Menendez had been in line to take over as CIA director before President Obama's trip to Colombia in April of 2012.

Although not proven, Bob Menendez could possibly be a distant cousin of Lyle and Erik Menendez, infamous for the murders of their parents in 1987 and currently serving life sentences in prison.

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON - Aka...Woody Woodpecker Meets Porky Pig sticky icon

"Charming!" "Radiant!" "Delightful!" "Splendid!" I can hear the comments from the genteel among you. In fact, this movie is nothing more than a sordid expose of the shameless philandering of none other than the second favorite Democrat among the lib lapdogs in America - Franklin Delano ‘Woody’ Roosevelt.

The movie is basically a slice in time during the weekend in 1939 that King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth ‘The Queen Mother’, journeyed to America to ask for help with the impending invasion by Nazi Germany. Yes, this movie is the perfect interlude between 2010's The King's Speech and 2011's W.E. All three portray ‘Bertie’ (George VI) at different stages in his life. Yeah, I know, EVERYBODY has a fucking nickname. It’s like a fucking baseball team…this fucking movie.

Here’s a cheat sheet:

George VI – ‘Bertie’ (Not to be confused with Edward VII (his father, who was also called Bertie). Also, called 'Porky' (Due to his meandering, stammering attempts to conquer even the most modest sentence.)

Elizabeth – ‘The Queen Mum’ (Not to be confused with her daughter Elizabeth II).

FDR – ‘Woody’ (Not to be confused with an erect, post-polio penis or son of a hit man actor or the screwball, pestering, Woodpecker 'laugh' which FDR has acquired while incessantly trying to ignore the dust bowl, the great depression and the impending World War).

Eleanor Roosevelt – ‘First Lesbo’ - First Lesbian First Lady and cousin to FDR – (Not to be confused with Hilary ‘Lesbo’ Rodham). The ‘Second Lesbo’ First Lady.

Margaret Stuckley – ‘Daisy’ – FDR’s mistress that this movie is based upon who was also a cousin of FDR. Not to be confused with another of FDR’s mistresses… Lucy, ‘FDR’s Secretary’ Mercer. Lucy was apparently the only ‘non-cousin’ that FDR banged behind the First Lesbo’s back.

THE HOBBIT - Aka…We Don't Need No Steenking Guns To Kill Orcs And Goblins sticky icon



Gollum's Daily Dork Riddle: Who does Dan Cedar most resemble?

A) An Orc B) A Goblin C) A Troll D) A Dwarf

So, a slimmed down Peter Jackson decided to take on the Herculean task of a new Middle Earth trilogy...mmm Hobbit stew.

I have to admit, King Hippo being the closet nerd and all that entails, that he was/is, excited to hear that there would be a new series of Hobbit movies, being that the original trilogy is the best film making in history...and also being that this the only type of movie Jackson is good at...mmm dangling prepositions.

I wasn't holding my breath, however, being that I didn't see how he was going to stretch the original Hobbit novel into nine hours of edge-of-the-seat drama. And a royal "Fuck You, Motherfucker" to any of you douchebags that fell asleep during any of the previous three movies. Of course, this would entail much artistic license with respect to the original story. But Jackson being of the jackalope ingesting aboriginal sort, was definitely up to the job.

LOOPER – Aka…Why Rotten Tomatoes, CNN and Hollywood ALL Suck sticky icon

Here’s the way that the majority of Looper movie reviews go on Rotten Tomatoes…ambitious film thriller takes us into a whole new dimension of time travel from third time director Rian Johnson…blah, blah, blah…Richard Roeper says and I fucking quote…

“Writer-director Rian Johnson establishes himself as an original talent who clearly believes storytelling must prevail”...check it out if you doubt Old Dan Cedar’s veracity.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/looper/reviews/#type=top_critics

BULLSHIT!!

The Rotten Tomatoes critic’s ranking is 94% with constant comparisons to the smart dialogue and clever storytelling of TheTerminator.

The miniscule naysayers say that it is just a rip-off of TheTerminator.

Hey kids, before we go giving James Cameron another blowjob for how great he is, let’s remember that Cameron had to secretly pay off Harlan Ellison, a sci-fi writing dwarf, that has managed to get himself married five times… who published a story called, “Soldier from Tomorrow” in the late 50s. And afterwards, Ellison’s name was miraculously added to the credits of TheTerminator.…in the “Thanks…Acknowledgement to the works of”…Category. Check it out on IMDb. You will find him just below “Extras Wrangler”.

CNN’s review headline… and I fucking quote,”'Looper': A smart but confusing thriller”

BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!

How is a movie ‘smart’, but confusing???

I will tell you how…either the reviewer is admitting that he was too stupid to ‘get it’ or he is smart, but somebody had to explain it to him afterwards. Which would make the movie…Anyone? Anyone?

CONFUSING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PRESIDENT UNVEILS NEW PROPOSALS TO CURB GUN VIOLENCE sticky icon

(Washington D.C.) On the same day that President Obama was named Time Magazine’s ‘2012 Human Person of the Year’, the president clearly had his mind on back to back wins for the upcoming year. The president took a bold new step at a news conference by calling on congress to act on new laws to curb gun violence and save innocent lives. The president, fresh from an Emmy winning performance at dabbing away ‘tears’ while reading the names of the innocent children massacred at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut only a few days earlier, said this “type of massacre will not happen again. Not on my watch.”

When asked for comment, Roger Hooverlimb, MD, said,“I don’t understand what is wrong with the media in this country. All of attention paid to this unquestionable act of violence on little children. Everyone knows the killer’s name, but I am ignored.” Dr. Hooverlimb runs an abortion clinic less than ten miles from Sandy Hook Elementary where the massacre took place. “Nobody knows my name. I mean, c’mon, twenty kids. That’s a half of a day’s work for me. By 1130am, I am scrubbed up, and headed out to do some last minute Christmas shopping over my lunch break.”

CHAOS MARS ANNUAL NOW CHRISTMAS PARTY sticky icon

San Francisco, CA - The San Francisco Police Department and city paramedics were dispatched after a 911 call from the National Organization of Women headquarters on Friday during a normally quiet time of the year. Three arrests were made and one person was transported to San Francisco General Hospital. Three people were treated and released by paramedics for minor injuries. Early indications show that the melee broke out during the traditional white elephant gift exchange. Apparently, this year's theme was "Dildos".


LINCOLN - Aka…So, The Guy That Freed The Slaves was a Republican? sticky icon

So, you know these losers whose whole life is built around figuring out when the Stand Alone Moustache (SAM) is going to be revived? Like the good old days, in the 1970s, when all the cool kids and porn stars were doing it.

Well, at one time… your good friend and movie reviewer, Old Dan Cedar had this affliction. I held on to my SAM until mid-2002 when my “Title VII Boss” said, I “was still holding on to that 70’s Porn Look”.

Ashamed by my lack of hungliness and chest hair…I vowed to send SAM to the shower drain, until which time, the trend caught on again. Hey, I have always been a big fan of gospel, blues, jazz and Shaft, but I guess the 'Richard Roundtree' look wasn’t doing it for her anymore.

FLIGHT -…Aka Coffee, Tea, or Immelmann Rolls, Sir? sticky icon

Have you ever wondered about people that you know who function just fine even though they are raging alcoholics and/or drug addicts? You know… the fun/social/engaging person that always needs to be driven home after an evening at Katie's Bar, but come the next morning is raring to go.

You know, that certain "type A" personality who needs a pill to wake up, a pill to stay awake, a pill to go to sleep, a pill for aches and pain, a happy pill, a pill to get his dick hard,and several pills throughout the day to take care of his actual medical problems? And on top of that, mixing everything with healthy doses of alcohol and Red Bulls. Yeah, we all know people like this...some of us more intimately than others.


...And the question always nagging you in the back of your mind? "When...when...when is this jackass going to finally make a mistake and wake up to find that his dick doesn't get hard anymore on Mexican Viagra?

Well, strap in folks, as "Whip" Whitaker takes you on the airline ride of your life. Denzel Washington portrays our high functioning alcoholic commercial pilot in one of his better performances in recent memory. After a night of drinking and debauchery with flight attendant (I was going to use the word "stew" but this word is on editor Dan Cedar's PC "banned" list of words that feminist equate to the word "cunt") Nadine Velazquez.

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET - Aka...The Sordid Upbringing Of Dan Cedar sticky icon

*Yawn*

Another"suspense-thriller"that is neither especially suspenseful nor thrilling. I guess the producers were banking on Jennifer Lawrence's (the daughter) name on the marquee to put this putrid mess in the black. On the bright side, all you MILF chasers will be happy to see that Elisabeth Shue has never looked better - yes, even compared to the Elisabeth Shue (the MILF Mom) of twenty years ago.

I know you Rubes watch her every Wednesday night on CSI. Your humble reviewer, King Hippo, prefers to pay for his clench-fisted jollies surrounded by other dolts that share my same public perversions. Whether it costs me $9.00 and a hand full of, soon to be, crusty napkins or not.

I am going to warn you that my review was hatcheted by Old Dan Cedar because I wanted to storyboard the entire movie. This went to about 7,000 words, so my apologies for my lack of details….Spoiler Alert: I am going to go through this entire review without mentioning some hot chick and give her five Naybobs at the end of my review.

SINISTER....Aka - Now I Remember Why I Love 8mm Snuff Films sticky icon

Well, I have to admit that the previews were ten times scarier than the actual movie. However, that doesn't completely void the movie's appeal. Instead of being a complete horror fest, the movie takes a more subtle path, albeit with mass family murders as the backdrop. So even though it was filled with the usual clichés, there were enough unexpected twists to keep it interesting. Especially the "Lawn Work '86" reel.

Damn cheap ass mower blades! I have to re-sharpen them every time I hit a bump in the lawn!

Ethan Hawke plays "Daddy"- a true-crime novelist whose last big hit was years ago. Trying to rekindle the magic of his previous best seller, Hawke moves his family into a house where he plans to write his next novel. What he doesn't tell the family is that he moved them into a house in which the previous family was hung from a tree in the backyard, except that one of the children went missing afterwards. All of this to inspire his writing to greatness! Kind of like when Dan Cedar spends two weeks in gay bathhouses under the guise of "research."

ARGO – Aka…So, Apparently Bryan Cranston Didn’t Have Cancer And Wasn’t Selling Meth sticky icon

First of all, I would like to apologize for my lack of reviews over the past couple of months. Your good friend, Old Dan Cedar, has been under intense radiation and chemotherapy to treat what was once thought of as a benign, irrelevant anal polyp and had turned into to a malignant pain in my ass. I strongly considered following the Breaking Bad formula for success, but dismissed it…considering that I am basically a pussy and don’t care if I die.

Luckily, I was able to hire a Shapiro to have this Kardashian-obsessed polyp extricated from my anal cavity.

MOONRISE KINGDOM - Aka...Romeo and Juliet Meets Lake Wobegon sticky icon

Knowing that this was a Wes Anderson flick, I was prepared for the quirky, the funny, and mundane. I was not disappointed. An ensemble cast resembling that perfect MLB playoff team of rookies, stars and seasoned veterans. All we are missing were the hot scantily clad cheerleaders on the sidelines...what's that? There are no cheerleaders in professional baseball? Well, fuck! When did they get rid of them?!?! Maybe, I should spend more time listening to Garrison Keillor gloriously recite Shakespeare.

Oh well, teen-aged actress Kara Hayward more than makes up for that. Her perfect mix of angst, rebellion, and sensuality reminds me of Dan Cedar's junior high days. When, after attending the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, he started each new school year in full makeup and female drag, only to gimp home after the first day with a black eye, bloody lip, torn dress, and sideways wig, carrying his patent leather pumps with the heels broken off; muttering, "How did they know?" Could it be that when each teacher took roll and called out "Dan Cedar," the ugliest 'girl' in the class raised her hand and that deep masculine voice, said, "Here!"

2016: OBAMA’S AMERICA…Aka – The Return of SMR Political Movie Reviews (A Triangulation) sticky icon

The Right (FOX News Drone):
Represented by Old Dan Cedar

Succinctly, 2016: Obama's America is a documentary of the roots of President Obama's outwardly hostile actions toward his own country and how he intends to "cut it down to size." Film maker Dinesh D'Souza explores Obama's life from birth to present, and as a counterbalance, parallels D'Souza's own life from his humble beginnings in Mumbai, India to his present celebrity and success which was only possible because of the freedoms and equality of opportunity that the United States offers.

The Left (MSNBC Drone):
Represented by Pepe La Petitte

2016: Obama's America is a classic reactionary hack job created for the sole purpose of trying to get President Obama defeated in the upcoming 2012 presidential elections. I haven't seen this much blatant propaganda hoisted on a country since Joseph Goebbels and Leni Riefenstahl were pumping out Nazi superiority newsreels on behalf of the Fuhrer during WW2!!

The Middle (Over cussing C-SPAN Drone): Represented by King Hippo

What kind of name is "D'Souza" for a fuckin' Indian, man?

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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