SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS PLEAD WITH OBAMA CAMPAIGN sticky icon

(Akron, OH) Longtime deli owner, Debbie Doody, of Knishes & Kneidls implored President Obama not to campaign on her doorstep during the highly contested election of 2012. "I can't afford to go out of business with three daughters currently in college," said a nervous Doody.

When asked to elaborate, she continued, "My friend, Dick Lanky, of Toledo, went out of business within days of President Obama using his restaurant, H & L Brock, as a stump stop. No offense to President Obama, but look what happened to Olympia Cafe in Lorain after he made a campaign stop there during the 2008 primary. That place went out of business within months of his appearance. No more cheeseburgers for this Doody.

AMERICAN OLYMPIANS STRIPPED OF MEDALS UPON RETURN TO U.S. sticky icon

(Baltimore MD) Chaos and mayhem ensued as the American medal winners of the 2012 games started trickling back into the United States on Monday. Across the country, at every major airport, throngs of Occupy Wall Street lunatics met Olympic medalists at arrival gates, assaulting them, and making off with their gold, silver and bronze medals. Chants of "you didn't earn this!" punctuated the ramparts as stunned air travelers looked on in horror.

At Thurgood Marshall International (TMI) in Baltimore, TSA spokesman Dick Scrote was asked why security wasn't imposed and the local police called. "Well," replied Scrote, "I was about to jump into the fray when President Obama emerged from the crowd with Michael Phelps in a headlock!" Scrote continued, "as I tried to separate the mob, Obama told me to 'stand down…CRACKER', in that stilted, halting speech of his, which is impossible not to recognize. And, where I come from, when The President of the United States tells you to 'stand down,' by god...you 'stand down!'"

DARK KNIGHT RISES – Aka…Gimp Goes Gotham sticky icon

Ya know, with all of the crap that has been spewed out by Hollywood and its plethora of Boy-Toy, Com-Con, infatuated, Superheroes. It is not merely having felt conned with the snake oil that has been peddled by the movie industry for the past dozen years. 3D effects, 3 hour “films”, or just bad actors.

Shitty actors escape you? Shitty movies escape you?

Here ya go: Ben Affleck in Daredevil, Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider, Halle Berry in Catwoman, Jennifer Garner in Elektra, Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four, Eric Bana in Hulk. Mind you, all of these movies have rectumfied this nation in the dozen years since this millennium began. Ugghh!!

Now, I could go on, but as Shakespeare said, Brevity is the soul of wit”, and although I never thought Will was all that witty, or for that matter brief, I will get on with it.

BARNEY FRANK TO CUT HONEYMOON SHORT - VOWS TO IMPLEMENT ALTERNATIVE TO BOY SCOUTS sticky icon

Cape Cod, MA - Longtime Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank pulled the plug on husband Jim Ready during their honeymoon this past week upon hearing that the Boy Scouts of America's board of directors reaffirmed that the private organization will continue to ban gays, atheists and agnostics from its ranks. Frank flew into a hissy fit as he and Ready lounged at the ritzy Wequassett Resort pool, hungrily eyeing the under aged cabana boys carrying trays of food that wafted past his ample nose.

"This is an outwage!" exclaimed blushing bride Frank. "I will not west until this matter has been wectified! This countwy has come much too faw to tolewate these widicuwous, awchaic, and wepwessive views of the homosexual community!" Frank continued,"As soon as me and my husband get back to D.C., I will be chaiwing a committee that will submit wequisitions fwom the TAWP fund to subsidize a nationwide homosexual boys weadewship twaining gwoup, simiwah to the Boy Scouts of Amewica, AKA the Bwown Shiwts of Amewica."

ROMNEY WAKES UP sticky icon

(Bowling Green – Ohio) Today, in a stunning political pivot, Mitt Romney made the political calculation that boring the American public into a coma prior to the upcoming presidential election was not a winning formula. Romney, sporting a Kenny Chesney-inspired sleeveless shirt and white Cowboy hat, not only appeared different, but had some polar-opposite ideas than he had previously shared.

Backed by a new campaign theme song, Subdivisions, by Canadian prog-rock icons, Rush, Romney appeared to be infused with a personality, leading the crowd in a ‘Yes We Canada’, ‘Yes We Canada’ chant. The puzzled, but malleable crowd slowly picked up the chant for the next 18 minutes with Romney waving his arms like a conductor.

Finally, when the crowd had been worked into a cult-like frenzy, Romney took off his Stetson and quieted the throngs as the volume of 'Subdivisions' was brought down. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee began his remarks. “Some people say that we are a closed-minded people. Some people would be wrong.”

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – Aka…Grease Is The Word sticky icon

Differences between this movie and the “original” with Tobey Whatzhisface from 2002 are fairly elusive. Kind of like the differences between Grease and Grease II.

Grease and Grease II differences: Grease was a hit. Grease II was a flop. The similarities ended with the fact that both movies starred fine pieces of tail in Olivia Newton-John and Michelle Pfeiffer – fitting the FPOT roles. The differences were that ONJ could sing (and the movie had a great score) and MP was the bad girl side and the sexiest gum smacker known to Old Dan Cedar.

I recall some male stars in each movie, but I don’t recall them adding up to much of anything afterwards. Although, I think Ms. Newton-John’s co-star did go on to some under-appreciated classic films like Wild Hogs, Face/Off, Look Who’s Talking and Look Who’s Talking Too.

Don’t recall his name, but I believe he is a good man that tithes regularly to his church.

THE DICTATOR…Aka – The Prophet and The Pope Walk Into A Bar sticky icon

OK, so the Aka…is just testing the waters to see if a Fatwa will be bestowed on Old Dan Cedar by some nutty Ayatollah. And so, in close proximity, is the trouble with making a comedy about a lovable dictator.

The landmines are scattered just beneath the surface. And there is no Princess of Wales posing for the cameras to bring attention to the need to End Landmines globally, while she covertly slips out the back to blow Dodi Fayed speeding through the streets of gay Paris.

Political Correctness Abounds.

MARVEL COMICS PUBLISHER STAN LEE ROLLS THE DICE sticky icon

In a move in which his admirers are calling "gutsy" and his detractors "homophobic," decades long Marvel Comics’ patriarch Stan Lee announced the unveiling of the first gay-bashing super villain ever to appear in comics. Lee decided that counter measures were needed to take the steam out of DC Comics' decision to introduce the first gay superhero in comics history.

It was a calculated move meant to shift the focus from DC to Marvel. The gamesmanship was at a fever pitch as DC publisher Dan Didio and publisher emeritus Lee privately traded barbs in a heated phone conversation. Anonymous sources reported hearing phrases such as "queer lover" and "pig fucker" during the back and forth. One thing is clear, Adolph Horowitz Hitler aka The Heckler will hit the newsstands in early fall.

150 YEAR OLD SIMMERING FEUD BOILS OVER sticky icon

Pikeville, KY - On the heels of his toy Pomeranian being thrown into his neighbor's wood chipper, Anderson Hatfield IV exclaimed, "IT IS SO…ON!" Speaking publicly since the grisly occurrence, Hatfield pointed across the fence to his longtime neighbor, Randolph McCoy IV, who was diligently weeding his prized rose flowerbed, and muttered several obscenities in his direction. "I've had it up to here!" said Hatfield.

Spanx To Market New Product This Fall sticky icon

Atlanta GA - On the heels of the recent Time Magazine 100 Most Influential People Awards Dinner, Spanx founder Sara Blakely held a press conference to announce the addition of a new and innovative compression garment to complement her renown blockbusters Spanx and more recently, Assets. Her products have been seen on the Oprah Winfrey show and her story is a modern day American rags to riches saga, drawing raves from women and fat transvestites alike. Blakely stated that until the fateful meeting with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the awards dinner, she had no idea such a product was economically feasible. But after a discrete physical exam of the former first lady in one of the private unisex disabled persons bathrooms, Blakely has announced the forthcoming release of Spanxles.

TEXAS A & M - COMMERCE BUMPER STICKER SPOTTED ON REAR WINDOW OF PICK UP TRUCK sticky icon

College Station, TX - Grand Saline resident Otis Terhune was dragged from his truck and savagely beaten by an unruly mob of Aggie students following an extra inning baseball game loss to lowly division III whipping boy LeTourneau University. Apparently, Terhune was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He had just returned to his pick up as the hooligans exited the baseball stadium. Upon seeing the 'Commerce' sticker on his rear window, someone yelled out, "Get that fuckin' wannabe!" After the mob's bloodthirst was sated, they then proceeded to upend his truck and set it afire.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS - Aka...The Evil Dead III ( This is after the Evil Dead 2 but before Army Of Darkness...kinda like the meal between breakfast and brunch) sticky icon

The only reason I went to see this movie was all of the positive "buzz" I was hearing in the media, and not just from the "critics" but also from Joe Lunchpail. I also read where this movie is the redefining of the horror genre. REALLY? All this "movie" is is a conglomeration of every horror archetype ever created. There is NOTHING original or clever about this movie. It just happens to move seamlessly from the Evil Dead to Resident Evil to Halloween to Thir13en Ghosts. It can't even escape the Scream movies by involving people other than college teenagers. There's the jock, there's the stoner, there's the virgin, there's the slut, and there's the tortured soul.

Oooooh, so original! I had even money on The Breakfast Club breaking out.

THE HUNGER GAMES - Aka...Obama's America sticky icon

I had my doubts after the first 15 minutes of this flick...I let out a mental groan as I girded myself for another Running Man or Death Race 2000...or Death Race...or Death Race 2. Whatever the sequel may be, I was ready to let out a King Hippo roar if Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or David Carradine entered stage right. Thankfully, the theater crowd got a reprieve and was deprived of a pissed off King Hippo grunt and subsequent grass brick turd launch. On the minus side, I still had to put up with uber-lib Donald Sutherland as the president of Panem, the post-apocalyptic world that used to be the United States.

A Historical First: Someone Is Told To Push Head Into Ass sticky icon

WASHINGTON - On Tuesday, behind closed doors, President Barack Obama, in so many words, told Vice President Biden to kindly insert his head back into his own rectum, bringing to an end the centuries long, unbroken record string of the phrase "pull your head out of your ass" that began when Gandalf the White castigated Lord Denethor, the last steward of Gondor, about taking action to stem the rising threat of Mordor and its allies.

PROSECUTOR TO PURSUE MORE HATE CRIMES sticky icon

(New Brunswick, New Jersey) At a press conference called today, Middlesex County First Assistant Prosecutor Julia McClure, who led the courtroom prosecution of Dharun Ravi, has taken the unprecedented step of prosecuting herself, the interrogating police officer, and the entire jury of a hate crime. Mr. Ravi now faces up to ten years in prison and possible deportation for his actions in the death of his gay roommate Tyler Clementi.

Ms. McClure was candid in her comments a week after the guilty ‘hate
crime’ verdict against Mr. Ravi for teasing online comments that he made about a homosexual encounter that Tyler Clementi had had in the dorm room they shared. Clementi then ‘showed-everyone’ by doing a swan dive off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River.”

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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