TREE OF LIFE - Aka...Daddy's Wet Dream sticky icon

Considering the Aka (above), and wondering how King Hippo would go about summarizing this movie…I am sure 'The King' would try to make some tie-in to this movie and what he considers the greatest rock and roll band of all-time…Black Oak Arkansas.

Where a normal person might see The Tree of Rock and Roll spreading its roots from the beginnings of Gospel and Blues, Elvis and The Beatles…King Hippo’s source that he relates everything relevant - comes back to, what else, the God forsaken 1970s and BOA led by the raspy voice and on-stage histrionics of vocalist Jim ‘Dandy’ Mangrum.

Luckily for you…Old Dan Cedar saw this movie and is reviewing this film. Specifically, because Tree Of Life DOESN’T include any reference material to early 20th century comic books, banal ‘action’, Stax Records and/or 1970s Southern Rock…it slipped under the King Hippo Radar.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 - Aka...How NOT To Shoot A Porno sticky icon


*GROAN*

What possesses King Hippo to continue seeing these nausea fests? Is it his penchant for self-inflicted S&M? Or is it a substitute for high colonics and anorexia? Has he found the magic bullet for his chronic insomnia? Why is The King referring to himself in the third person? Could it be that he is possessed by an evil entity?

IDES OF MARCH - Aka...Invasion Of The Body Snatchers sticky icon

This movie brought to mind the great paranoid horror movie of 1956 – Invasion of the Body Snatchers written by the great Jack Finney who would have been 100 years old this year.

At first sniff - the movies don’t seem to be related.

Body Snatchers is about aliens taking over the earth with pods. Kevin McCarthy’s character ‘Miles’ is desperately trying to save and warn everyone in the fictional town of Santa Mira that there is no hope. But the towns people are just mindless pods trying to serve their alien brethren because their bodies are needed for the alien power grab.

On to Ides of March – where we’re through the looking glass, Alice.

And there is no turning back. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t live here anymore. Evil is everywhere today. There is no Emancipation Proclamation to be used as a moral guide. There is no Civil War to separate good versus evil. There is no constitutional amendment that congress can use to assert right and wrong.

CONTAGION - Aka...Ode To The 99 Percent sticky icon


An ensemble cast comes to grips with a deadly worldwide viral pandemic? Really? I guess the producers and writers of this movie missed The Andromeda Strain and I Am Legend and Outbreak and 28 Days Later and Cabin Fever and Carriers, et al, etc., ad nauseum.

Good grief, I thought Jews were innovators and entertainers, not just money hungry vultures...and Jesus murderers. Pontius Pilate…my ass!!


I just couldn't understand the "critics" fawning all over this regurgitated shitpile with accolades of "intricate plotlines"and "sublime acting performances." Really? When the best acting job in the movie is turned in by octogenarian Elliot Gould, you can save your witless praises for brain dead morons like Dan Cedar and Lady Spamalot, who are only too grateful to lick your asses then ask for seconds.

When King Hippo finally DOES go Ass to Mouth…It won’t be with Elliot Fucking Gould.

Local Garage Owner in Hot Water Over Billing Discrepancies sticky icon


(San Leon, TX) - Kuntry Kar Kare owner Cletus Mulroney came under fire over the weekend as several irate customers filed complaints at the sheriff's office claiming that they were overcharged on their repair bills by the eighth generation mechanic whose family has become a county fixture since the early 1860's at the intersection of Duke Street and Byrd Avenue.

The first complainant to come forward was in June of 2011. Mr. Rufus “Dizzy” Gillespie of La Marque said that he was overcharged by 10.00 for a routine tire rotation. "You know, I thought something was funny when he (Mulroney) handed me the bill.The total was 29.99 but as I pointed out to him, right there under the 'Spooks Cleared - Inquire Within' sign, that he should have charged me 19.99. He claimed that extra parts were needed which caused the bill to increase, but for the life of me, I can't understand what extra parts he would need to do a simple tire rotation."

APPLE’S iPancreas5 DELAY PROVES FATAL TO JOBS sticky icon

(CUPERTINO, CA) The day after the disappointing release of the iPancreas 4S – Apple’s egomaniacal founder and CEO, Steve Jobs, succumbed to pancreatic cancer after a long, brave struggle.

The much ballyhooed iPancreas 5 was set to be released to try and save Jobs’ life via the wi-fi enabled device which was promised to cure cancer through iTunes.

Problems arose in the production of the iPancreas 5 when a large number of eight year-old children went on strike at the Apple sweatshop in the Shenzhen province of China where the product was being made. Jobs’ reportedly took a hard line approach in negotiations when he reportedly would not meet the kids’ demands for a 15 minute lunch break in their 12-hour day. Jobs reportedly said, “Let them eat yellow cake.”

But Charlie has apparently had the last laugh. The iPancreas5 will not be available until mid-2012.

STOCK MARKET TUMBLES ON TURKEY SALMONELLA FEARS sticky icon

(Punxsutawney) The day after the debt ceiling debate put the kibosh on the good times on Wall Street - The New York Stock Exchange grabbed the national headlines with their “Crisis For The Day” when it went into a free-fall of more than 500 points amid fears that an antibiotic resistant strain of Salmonella may threaten the nation’s financial stability. The outbreak could threaten more than a dozen family Thanksgiving dinners - if it is not quickly contained.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has traced the problem to unsanitary conditions by a Jefferson County, Missouri turkey wrangler Ron Schump who claims that his common-law wife, Michelle Smith, had raised their turkey as her daughter.

The plague has already killed one person and made tens of people ill.

RANGO - Aka... I Got a Blow Job In This Movie sticky icon

No, it’s not a metaphor. And yes it was on DVD.

This brings me to my first rant of this here review. A couple of decades back I was invited by this skirt that I worked with to have her “cook me a home-cooked meal”.

Her name was Lisa. She was ok looking. But this was before science folk had taught the village idiot of the damage that could be done to her skin by the man-made, daily-dissipitating ozone layer.

Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon after I fucked her – but it was not to be.

Old Dan has some standards. And one of those is – I DON’T FUCK RETARDS!!

HANGOVER II - Aka…Of Trannies’ Tallywackers and Other Kinky Fucks sticky icon

Jesus, I knew that I was expecting too much from a sequel that had no hope of topping the original. Where the original was fresh and unpredictable, the sequel is boring and tawdry - like Dan Cedar when he takes to a stripper's pole at Heartbreakers Gentlemen’s Club in Dickinson, TX. Or Lady Spamalot’s “confidential STD screening” for the boys on the Southeast Texas Mavericks of the NBA D League that she annually recertifies in the “semi-private” lavatory of Nutty Jerry's Entertainment Complex in Winnie, TX.

The usual gang of idiots are all here, reprising their respective roles as hapless jackasses. A fraternity to whom I will be eternally bonded. How any of us have managed to advance our careers to this point – is beyond me.

UNKNOWN - Aka...I Would Eat January Jones' Ass...Oh, Sorry. Was I Supposed To Be Paying Attention To The Plot? sticky icon

I guess Liam Neeson has taken the baton from Harrison Ford, who initially took the hand-off from Steve McQueen. I wonder who's anchoring this relay. It appears Neeson has comfortably eased himself into the entertaining, yet predictable, action hero mode, sans the Schwarzenegger/Stallone steroid physique...and the plastic surgery...and the ass ugly mistresses. But I digress...

Anyway, Neeson plays Dr. Martin Harris who is traveling with his wife Elizabeth(January Jones)to give a talk at a biotechnology summit in Berlin. After arriving at their hotel, he rushes back in the taxi to retrieve his briefcase which he forgot at the airport. On the way back, the taxi is involved in an accident in which Neeson's head is cracked open and he is thrown into a canal.

The female taxi driver bravely dives into the icy water to save the unconscious Dr. Harris. Don’t get that kind of service in the Cash Cab - especially if you’re an innocent, dim-witted pedestrian on the streets of Vancouver.

WIN WIN - Aka...Jeff Spicoli Joins The Wrestling Team sticky icon

Reciprocity is the key to any successful relationship. Just look at the symbol for Yin Yang. Looks like to me that they are two amoeba fellatiating each other. A Win Win situation.

Such is life.

That is the key message in this, here movie - Win Win.

We’re all looking out for number one, right? The only people that don’t know this are the communists, movie stars and graduate degree elitists. Oh, yeah, and that, there fellow currently occupying the White House and his cronies.

At least that is what they PREACH.

Unless THEY or their Storm Troopers at The Scooter Store WANT SOMETHING.

Like their guaranteed Medicare-approved (e.g. free) devices – “dedicated to helping you regain your mobility”.

What did you say? “NOTHING IS FREE!!”

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS - Aka...You Like Me...You Really Like Me!! sticky icon

Don’t hold me to my drug-addled mis-rememberings, but some of you old fucks may remember when Sally Field gave that speech at the Emmy’s after she beat out Susan Lucci for the ‘Best Actress’ award for her stellar portrayal of a nun that could fly. The show’s name escapes me for the moment…but that’s really not the point.

My point is that of course…Old Dan likes you Sally. You’re a cute Gidgetish, coquettish nun that can fucking fly while teasing the likes of a Young Dan Cedar. What is there not to like?

And better yet, she’s got a bad girl side. The kind of girl that a comedic genius on the order of Burt Reynolds could barely keep his KY-Jelled mitts off of Sally’s mystery hips while simultaneously dating the, Sexy Sultan of Hip 70’s Rock and Roll – The semi-anorexic, quasi-pock-faced Jan Smithers from WKRP in Cincinnati.

Then Ms. Field follows that up with the late-night Cinemax drenched, soft-core Cannon Balls 2. And that is when it got a little creepy for me. Or maybe my buzz just wore off.

ANGEL OF DEATH TO RETIRE IN 2012 sticky icon

(Death Valley, CA)

The Grim Reaper announced his pending retirement December 21, 2012 at a hastily convened news conference on the eve of the annual Death Valley Marathon. Asked why he picked this particular day and venue to make his announcement, Death replied, "It seemed like a good day - it's 113 degrees in the shade and I've got a few competitors on my list to reach out and touch before this event is over. So I figured I might kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."

Asked about the significance of the date of his retirement, Death said that he wanted something special to mark this historic occasion. "I figured that I would go out with a bang during the Mayan Long Count Calendar’s last day."

"I mean there are all kinds of kooks out there convinced that 12/21/12 will be their last day on earth. So what the hell, I might as well go out with a splash."

OLD DAN CEDAR'S BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF 2010 sticky icon

Old Dan Cedar’s Best Movies of 2010

  1. The Kids Are All Right

    I can hear you right-winged, homophobic droids from here. Walk over to your gun safe. Open the three combination locks housing your six Glocks, your 40 cases of hollow-point bullets and your 8 blocks of C4 and throw away your hidden book (How To Pray The Homosexuality Out Of My Son For Dummies) that you bought a few years back when your 4 year old boy shamefully admitted that his favorite color was pink. Watch this magnificent movie with clever dialogue and a wonderful story arc. This movie will help you understand – they are pretty much like us – in an entertaining, thought provoking, empathetic look at a gay relationship which also begs the question - Why the fuck would anyone actually fight for the right to get married?

  1. Let Me In

    I have NEVER thought that a remake of a movie was better than the original. I still don’t, but THIS restructuring of Let The Right One In - a subtitled 2008 film from Norway about a 12 year old outcast boy that has been bullied at school and his budding relationship that develops with a new neighborhood friend – played by Chloe Moretz - is just as good as the original. And that’s a hard hurdle to hurdle. The setting in this version has moved to Los Alamos, New Mexico. It’s haunting, yet naïve, and will touch you with its relatability to the unrelatable. To only describe this as a horror movie is a disservice. But horrified – you will be.

KING HIPPO'S BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF 2010 sticky icon

King Hippo's Best Movies of 2010



1.True Grit - It was hard for me to look at this film from an objective perspective as it's so close to the original which I loved. The superlative acting is what did it for me. And that sadistic rapist look when Josh Brolin first lays eyes on Hailee Steinfeld at the river - reminds me of the look Dan Cedar gives to every passing flock of sheep during a road trip.



2.Inception - As complex and detailed a movie that this was, it was still easy to follow as long as you paid attention. The editing and special effects were unbelievable. This blows away Christopher Nolan's previous Dark Knight.

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