THE SOCIAL NETWORK - Aka...How To Blow A Billionaire sticky icon

So, the scuttlebutt on this movie before it was released was that it was “not endorsed” by Facebook or its founder, Mark Zuckerberg. In fact, he was kind of pissed about it.

Right!!

How fucking stupid do you think the American public is?? Don’t answer that.

I have a better question. When was the last time that a guy whose name ended in “berg” – who was a mult-Billionaire – couldn’t get a movie killed in Hollywood?

Go ahead. I will give you 30 seconds to scan your temporal lobe.

Here’s a prediction for you. Hollywood will produce a “theatrical reimagining” of The Courtship of Eddie’s Father before they cock block any movie about a “Berg” with 26 Billion skins in the bank, without his say-so.

THE FIGHTER - Aka...Rocky VII (Only Good) sticky icon

I gotta tell ya, whenever there's a "new" boxing and/or sports related movie being touted, my first reaction is WTF?! Except for Raging Bull and Ali, I can't think of a worse genre to use for movie fodder. What's that? Field of Dreams? Was it really THAT good of a movie? Yeah, just as I thought. Take it from King Hippo. My half-Korean daddy didn’t even know what a baseball was. Maybe I am just bitter.

Anyway, I mean, what the fuck is the WNBA?! Why the fuck would anyone pay to see the equivalent of a good men's high school basketball team when you already have the elite playing in the NBA? Beats the hell out of me.

That's why you have roller derby - to give dumbass women something physical to do that they're actually good at. Can you imagine Raquel Welch starring in a movie about playing in the WNBA? I know she’s 70 – that’s not the point. Anyway, it's also why the best known pornstars are WOMEN. It's something that they excel at. Are you starting to get my drift? It's exactly the same reason why there should be no women in the military. It's exactly the same reason why women should not be given top hierarchical jobs. It's exactly the same reason why women should not do stand-up comedy or write on this website!

TRUE GRIT - Aka...Same Grit - Different Day sticky icon

This movie was quite an enigma for me, both in a historical and current sense. In the current sense - because it was directed by the Coen brothers and yet it is played VERY close to the original classic. You won’t hear that from the mainstream movie reviewers.

Because the industry that supports the Coen siblings operates under the Hollywood Law of Perpetual Motion which defined says, “When a person or entity generate more than 3 better than half-ass movies over the course of twenty years – they are eternally capable of only producing true works of genius and will henceforth be nominated for any conceivable year end made for TV award show – until their lifetime achievement statuette is posthumously presented to their grieving widow(s).”

THE KING'S SPEECH - Aka...The Coronation Of Porky Pig sticky icon

So, Old Dan Cedar’s prediction for Best Picture and Best Actor is The King’s Speech and Colin Fir…Fir…Firth, but obviously, these are NOT MY choices – just MY guesses. So, I take it as my sworn, solemn duty to tell you why – AS USUAL - Hollywood is WRONG.

What the Academy Awards have lately been reduced to is handing out golden statuettes for actors/films and directors producing movies about half-witted gimps, quirky mass murderers and the occasional glorification of turmoiled, homosexual artists and politicians, book marked by the occasional aged, terminally liver-spotted and infirmed actor that snatches an Oscar just prior to circling the posthumous drain.

Mr. Firth will get the award this year as an attempt to make up for The Academy not hoisting him on their shoulders after his muted portrayal of a closeted homosexual in 2009.

People of my generation tend to like to drift into “Good Old Day” syndrome.

Had Hollywood done the right thing – they would have pre-empted Who Framed Roger Rabbit in 1988 and given the great Mel Blanc the Academy Award that he so desperately merited before his untimely death at age 89.

POLTERGEIST OF J.D. SALINGER UPSET OVER TUCSON SHOOTINGS sticky icon

The Catcher in the Rye” author J.D. Salinger blogged from his grave early this morning that he was “distinctly upset” that Holden Caulfield, 1950’s era ultra-hip colloquialisms, and his often blamed classic work of literature were not getting enough credit for the mass shooting in Arizona.

Salinger, reportedly writing with a 4G Sprint Evo smart phone scribed, “Mark David Chapman wasn’t a visionary, but at least he wasn’t yellow and he had a plan. And I am not going to clarify John Hinckley or Lee Harvey Oswald.

But this bullshit in Arizona???

How much fucking effort does it take to jot down a note and put a paperback in your pocket before you go out and rip off 15-20 Glock shots at a bunch of innocents?

STONE - Aka...OMG Milla Jovovich's Nipples sticky icon

Sure. You can come in to King Hippo’s humble abode. Not that I am guilty of anything. I’m just going to need to see your search warrant first. And would mind asking the SWAT team to stand-down?

Why is it that good movies like Stone are relegated to "art houses" or "limited engagements" or "at select theaters?" And certified dog shit like The Expendables is crammed down the public's collective
throats on blue ray one week after it opens in theaters?

Why do I even have to ask this question? The answer is: clueless tools like Dan Cedar and Lady Spamalot sit like inbred Golden Retrievers with their paws in the air, tails wagging and spittle dripping off their distended tongues entranced with movies such as Knight and Day and Iron Man 2 AND give these strangulated hemorrhoids great reviews.

Good grief!


So, before I go any further, and am carted off for my arraignment - my FOURTH pick for best supporting actor of 2010 goes to Edward Norton for his sublime portrayal of Creeson
Stone, an incarcerated white trash hick who allowed his cousin to set fire to his grandparents’ house...with the grandparents still in it.

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT - Aka...Hot Lesbian Sex!! sticky icon

Sometimes, in my hemp-hazed day dreams – this humble movie reviewer wonders if I have any ill-conceived off-spring played forth by my pre-cum - prior to ejaculating on your heart-shaped ass.

So, this movie imagines that you’re a teenager that has two moms and that you were conceived by a neo-hippie spunk donor because your mommies hate cock – yet they wanted the pain and aggravation that come with being married and raising a family.

There’s your movie premise.

Doesn’t sound like an Academy Award winner, huh?

It’s NOT the pitch – It’s the execution. Bitch!!

Do you know how much time, effort and masturbating energy that this reviewer, Dan Cedar, has invested in lesbian sex? Jenna Jameson, Ginger Lynn, Racquel Darrian.

Ooohhh!! Ooohhh!! Yes, Ma’am. You are welcome!!

Alas, The Kids Are All Right women are not those from my youthful misspent, porn-fueled, thong sporting, rug-munching imagery. These here are the forty-something Annette Bening and Julianne Moore. As Christopher Cross might say, “Somewhere between the moon and New York City”.

BLACK SWAN - Aka...Dream Fuck - Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis sticky icon

I must say that every brown-shirted neo-Nazi that I have run into in the greater Chicago metro - over the last month was fired-up to see to so-called “steaming lesbian scene” with the hottest Jews in Hollywood – Natalie Portman vs. Mila Kunis. Aaaaooowww!!

Hot Jews Gone Wild!

Not so fast – Colonel Klink. It’s about as exciting as watching a couple of scantily-clad hens dry-hump down at Heinrich Himmler’s chicken ranch. And no, not the one in Nevada. And go ahead and unpop your monocle – It ain’t The Auschwitz Ballet either, you sadistic, babbling idiot.

THE EXPENDABLES - Aka...Middle Aged Flaccid Penises Unite! sticky icon

My name is Madame Ovary and I have been asked to give some insight into The Expendables, because as it so happens - I wasn’t offered my first, second or third choices.

That’s ok. I am sure that the 401k retirement plan with sarcasticmoviereviews.com will be worth a sufficient amount that I can soon quit my night job at The Bunny Ranch.

Think of me as the Mae West of movie reviewers.

It seems that I am on a roll. The day prior to viewing The Expendables - my stem cell transplant for my ALS was postponed in lieu of a more famous patient - one Michael J. Fox. When life gives you Lou Gehrig’s disease – make lemonade.

ALL WE ARE SAYING – IS GIVE CYNICISM A CHANCE sticky icon

Today, on the 30th anniversary of John Lennon’s tragic death, the U.S. Senate voted to convict articles of impeachment on a federal judge - only the eighth federal judge to hold such a dishonor.Thomas Porteous was impeached by the House.

INSIDE JOB – Aka…Roger & Me and Baby Makes Three sticky icon

Inside Job purports to be a documentary that was written, directed and produced by Charles Ferguson about the ins and outs of how the economy went into the shitter over the past 30 years - which began with the election of Ronald Reagan.

Hmmmm, seems an odd place to start since the economy was SO bad, and interest rates were SO high under James Earl Carter after the devil went down to Plains, GA.

….Ok, I get it, they didn’t ask my opinion. Just seems a little weird. Duly Noted?

It seems that – according to Inside Job - our bad economy was birthed by de-regulation and greed.

DESPONDENT OBAMA RETURNS TO U.S. ALIVE sticky icon

(Washington, D.C.) President Barack Obama returned to the White House today after completing his trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. He spoke to a throng of giddy pool reporters in the rose garden and expressed his dismay from his seemingly successful trip from some of the most dangerous places in the world.

Not wearing his American Flag lapel pin, and in his halted, stilted manner of speaking, the president said, “Quite frankly…I am fortunate to be alive. I have come to the conclusion -- that putting myself in harm’s way, in some of the most violent third-world countries of the world – at great expense to my adopted country while over-extending the ability of the Secret Service to protect my life – has turned out – unpredictably well.”

“I had every expectation of coming back to the White House in a body bag. I fully expected today - to be lying in state in the Capitol rotunda, having mournful Americans file past my lifeless, flag-draped corpse while news anchors across the world waxed poetically about what might have been - had I lived. I also fully expected to be in the presence of 72 virgins having given my life for Allah.”

HEREAFTER - Aka…Sixth Sense Kid Finally Gets Laid* sticky icon

*When writing this review
– Old Dan Cedar was apparently under the mis-assumption that Clint Eastwood’s new movie, Hereafter, was The Sixth Sense II. For full disclosure – this website has decided to publish Mr. Cedar’s review – however misguided and deluded.

When this reviewer, Old Dan Cedar, sat down for a re-visit with one of my favorite characters – the kid from The Sixth Sense - all grow’d up – some twenty years after he helped Bruce Willis remember he was dead. I was hoping that the kid might do the same for the anointed director of this paltry sequel. Yes, one Clint Eastwood.

It’s been a long while since his self-directed turn as gunslinger William Munny in the great movie – Unforgiven. And by the way, Mr. Eastwood, I put your stats in Deathclock.com. Seems that you’re about six years past your expiration date.

The Hereafter plot in a nutshell – The Kid from the First Sixth Sense is 20 years older, but doesn’t want to HELP dead people anymore. He just wants to IGNORE them and get laid. Did puberty REALLY change THIS kid THAT much? He seemed so committed to helping…

Oh, and by the way Mr. Eastwood, if you had bothered to go back and watch the first movie - you would have realized that the kid DIDN’T HAVE an older brother. But now, all of a sudden – Jay Mohr – appears out of fucking thin air to be his “successful” older brother. How many films has Jay Mohr been in with the great Bruce Willis? Take a look at the scoreboard Josey Wales!!

California Set To Outlaw Condoms sticky icon

(Sacramento, CA) One day after signing an edict into law that will require stores to discontinue using plastic bags for groceries, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a law banning condom sales.

In barely audible english the governor emphasized, “The outlawing of the trillions of tonnage of latex prophylactics will free up the landfills of the great state of California for other refuse. With the recently enacted “Marriage Equality Act” – California is on pace to excrete an enormous amount of documents related to divorce filings and are currently on pace to double the amount of discarded wedding dresses and Superdry Cargo Pants in our landfills.".”

Conan The Governor continued, "To limit these excesses on our state – we must make cutbacks. We, of course, realize that the dearth of condoms will have unintended consequences with an increase in the HIV, the AIDS and the genital warts. This, in no way, should be misconstrued as a governmental intendency to wipe out the homosexuals.”

GET LOW - Aka...Hermits Are Scary People sticky icon

PeruSing the local entertainment guide, I was aghast at the dearth of anything approaching a watchable movie this weekend. After some arm twisting and coercion by an apolitical skirt, I agreed to Fight the traffic and non existent parking at the local "historic" firetrap of a movie theater because in this town of 2 million plus, the only place you can see this flick is at the – one - "artsy" theater.

Motherfucker!

There are a few pluses to this place - full bar service, a seemingly more intelligent crowd who can afford to leave the screaming brats at home, and the only scolding you get is a discrete sign at the box office requesting you to "silence" your cell phone.

Hallelujah! No "in your face" idiot "turn off your cell phone" ads masquerading as previews.

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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