SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD - Aka...The Shittiest Movie of All Time sticky icon

When this reviewer told King Hippo that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World “was the shittiest movie of all time”- what was his reply?

“What did you expect, Dumbass?”

This – coming from a guy, King Hippo, that describes Birth of a Nation – the 1915 film glorifying the formation and triumph of the Ku Klux Klan as, “the closest thing I have ever had to an orgasm without involving a prostitute”.

Here’s the general premise of Scott Pilgrim. Quirky guy in the upper latitudes of North America finds himself among a bunch of other Quirky folks and everybody learns to accept the differences of those unlike themselves.

Sound familiar?? It may bring to my mind a great television program in that same vein – Northern Exposure.
Not a normal character in the bunch, right?

Northern Exposure
– The Movie??!!!

Wrong – Numbnuts!!

NAMBLA to Form Strategic Alliance sticky icon

(San Francisco) - NAMBLA president emeritus Stuart Smalley announced today at the Bi-Weekly San Francisco Gay Pride Parade that NAMBLA has been in discussion with several other civil rights groups to unite several wrongly maligned associations into a cohesive bloc.

Smalley announced his plans after being inspired by President Obama's appointing of Marv Albert as Cross-Dressing Czar, late Thursday evening.

President To Sacrifice Youngest Daughter sticky icon

Washington D. C. – Today, President Barack Obama emerged from a fortnight spent seeking counsel and receiving sitar lessons from legendary Hindi musician and vegetarian Ravi Shankar. Validating fears of Fox news and many conservative Americans with Judeo-Christian values, the president confirmed that he will sacrifice his virgin daughter, Sasha, to the Indian pagan god Vishnu.

President Obama, in a live press conference from the White House Rose Garden said, “It is my hope that this ritual will clench the fists of all 100 hands of Vishnu – so that she may fight the oppression of the Freemason and Jews.”

Jesus Charged with Crimes Against Humanity sticky icon

(Jerusalem, Israel) *Well known Jew hater and so-called messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, mistakenly rose from the dead and was summarily arrested in Jerusalem after three concentration camp survivors fingered the purported lord and savior as actually having been Ivan the Terrible – the infamous Nazi SS guard of the Treblinka extermination camp during World War II.

Christian witnesses charged that the men had been whipped into a frenzy after having attended a local Friday night at the park - double feature showing of The Eternal Jew followed by Schindler’s List.

The “three-wise men” – were identified by the internationally well-respected Hasidic Rabbi - Leif Garrett.

The three had been staying at the Simon Wiesenthal Center for the Aged and Infirmed Jewish Victims of the Holocaust. Rabbi Garrett continued, “The three wise men found me shortly after the end of the Spielberg film, and pointed out the anointed one who was already showing off. HE was doing some kind of catch a bullet in his teeth trick that I had seen Penn and Teller do at the Rio in Las Vegas – three fucking years ago!”

“Are you kidding me? Come on people!”

INCEPTION - Aka...Shutter Island 2 sticky icon

Actually, this movie is much better than Shutter Island but there are a lot of psychological similarities between the main character, Dom Cobb, and Leonardo DiCrapio's character in Shutter Island, Teddy Daniels.

And I already know what you’re saying about me. “King Hippo – if you are such a God fearing, homophobic Republican – then what the hell are you doing having your own personal DiCaprio Film and Fist Festival
under your sheets every night?”

My response to you – is exactly as it would be to a local peace officer peeping through my window. “Until you and your hippie friends that have taken over the city, state and federal governments of this once great nation - finally come to grip with the pain that you have inflicted on my “natural tendencies” - I will ask you to check the box as to my immigration status – note the NRA sticker on my front door, do a background check and summon your Sixth Sense to realize that I may very well be the illegitimate off-spring of Charles Whitman.

As the great Bruce Willis said, "Keep moving Cheese Dick!!"

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, ASSHOLE!! sticky icon

Your ever-so-humble, over-cussing writer just clicked another mile on the odometer of life several weeks back!! As Randy Newman said in an underly-exuberant Oscar winning rant, “Thanks, but I don’t want your pity!”

I just want my farts back!! Is that so wrong?

I really don’t care about compromising the ozone layer!!

Call me a selfish flatulist!!

Don’t you get it?

Didn’t think so - you myopic infant.

If you have the patience to waste a few minutes of your life away – I will explain.

HELEN THOMAS TO PURSUE ACTING CAREER sticky icon

(Washington, D.C.) Helen Thomas announced that she will attempt a second career in fulfillment of a lifelong desire to be a Hollywood actress. This surprise revelation came on the heels of her abrupt resignation as white house press correspondent which dated back to her first newspaper article describing the battle between the USS Monitor and the CSS Virginia in 1862 during the civil war. This - in the wake of controversial anti-Semitic epithets made by the decades old spinster and white house press fixture.

Asked if she actually had any acting offers at this point, Thomas replied, "I have feelers out there. I've spoken to Director Rob Reiner about a remake of his surprise box office hit, The Princess Bride. He said that he may have a spot for me opposite Billy Crystal who will reprise his character Miracle Max. I would, of course, play his wife, Valerie."

When asked to elaborate, Thomas went on, "Rob told me that I wouldn't even need any makeup to play the role - which is fortunate for me as I have very sensitive skin."

GET HIM TO THE GREEK - Aka...Spinal Tap meets Honeymoon in Vegas sticky icon

I must admit that I went to this movie daydreaming about my days living the rock n' roll life of excess in the 80's as an unpaid hanger-on. Reality bit me in the ass when the clerk at the box office asked me for $7.50 to see the 11:00 matinee on a Thursday. I said, "Hey dude, it's the first matinee - don't I get the matinee price?" To which he replied, "That is the matinee price, sir."

@*#%!

Out of the right, rear pocket of my - “Made in the USA” Levis - my cheap ass, begrudgingly, pulled a recently purchased leather, chained wallet inscribed with the SS death heads, pried it open with my swastika etched crow bar - that I habitually must use to force open said wallet and posthumously pay retributions to this god-forsaken industry because my semi-Aryan forefathers failed to sufficiently purify the earth – and this industry - during the dozen greatest years of the 20th century.

TOY STORY 3 - Aka...Barbie gives Ken a Woody sticky icon

Actually, it’s more like Citizen Cedar.

Remember when you were a kid? You just disappeared into that make-believe world of toys and games. Mom and Dad were perfect. It’s all fun and games – then, in the blink of an eye, I go from being “Little Danny” to “Old Dan Cedar”.

First, it’s “Don’t shit in your pants, little Danny!”

Then, it’s “You throw like a girl. Are you a homo, Danny? Get your hands out of your pants and quit playing with your cock!”

But still – there are times that you have fun – sledding down a hill that is out back of your house. That was the best time of my life!

And then, “Why can’t you make good grades like your brother? Are you a little retard, Danny?” Just for that - your parents send you off to live in some boarding school to be raised by a nice-enough man who is, quite possibly, a Jew.

And then a teacher says in 7th grade, “So, you won’t play with the Jewish kids? Are you some kind of Nazi, Dan?”

From then on – it’s like every time you spew out a racial epithet – "You're a Nazi!!”

That’s what this movie is like. In the first two movies we were just having a good ole time without a care in the world. Taking that wooden sled for another ride down the hill.

Fast-forward 15 years to Toy Story 3.

The protective cocoon is gone that existed in the previous movies. Now you actually feel genuine angst and growing pains for the characters in the movie – and YOU realize what ALL adults realize – there is nothing fair, just or guaranteed in the real, grown-up world.

RESTREPO - Aka...The Hurt Valley sticky icon

Restrepo is an even-handed documentary that may have you re-evaluating what our government has been doing with your hard earned tax dollars to rid the world of terrorism.

The Rightness. The Wrongness. And since we – the American public - are so disengaged from this war - It is a narrative worth ruminating.

When Old Dan Cedar decided to go to this documentary of an American platoon’s deployment in Afghanistan - it was because I had heard rave reviews- this movie won a big award at Sundance - and because one of the soldiers that was in the film was scheduled to conduct a question and answer session after the screening.

As I am walking into the theatre – I notice an abundance of high and tight buzz cuts amongst the patrons of this heretofore movie art house. Hmmmm….doesn’t look like the typical benefactors.

So, as it turns out,Restrepo is an undersized excuse of an outpost that a 15 man band of an American platoon established in a very dangerous place that I had never heard of called the Korengal Valley. And by “outpost” – I mean a shithole carved into the high ground of this valley where our soldiers literally burn their own feces to make room for more. Restrepo is hailed as their “greatest accomplishment” amongst the Americans that captured it.

KNIGHT AND DAY - Aka…Mission Impossible meets match.com and SCORES!!!! sticky icon

That oldie but goodie song, Breakin’Up is Hard to Do, had it all wrong. Breaking up is easy.

Now, finding “Someone To Love”, as Queen pleaded, is much harder. In fact, it’s practically impossible.

Oh sure, people marry their soul mates all the time. Or should I say, “soul suckers”? My parents are the epitome of two people who decided to tie the knot over 50 years ago and have happily sucked the life out of each other every single day since. Yours truly found not one, but TWO “soul suckers” to love, honor, cherish and divorce. So suffice it to say that – with a 30ml vial of ipecac in tow - I was prepared to forcibly vomit the entire time whilst watching Knight and Day a romantic/action romp starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.

SHUTTER ISLAND - Aka…Shitter Island sticky icon

First off, let me just say that I like Martin Scorsese's pseudo film-noir style of cinematography, which include classics such as Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. He evens directs a mean documentary, No Direction Home and Shine a Light. And to be honest, he's really never had a full fledged turd in his arsenal of movies. Unlike this website’s reviews.

Shutter Island falls in line with his other middle of the road movies and it's NOT a full fledged turd...but as Peter Griffin puts it, "it's starting to crown." The visuals are great, the characters are well developed, the story has an interesting premise, but MY GOD, the pacing/editing is horrendous!

Scorcese has six more movies in production and I truly believe his is trying to finish them all before he sucks his last gasp. He was born after Pearl Harbor, but when I see him or hear him speak, I would swear that he was in Woodrow Wilson’s cabinet. Or, J. Edgar Hoover's closet.

GLENN BECK CHASTISES CHRIST sticky icon

Following, what, by all indications was a reverential Christmas Eve Fox News Exclusive interview with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Glenn Beck attempted to end the interview with The Messiah by wishing him a traditional Fox News, “Merry Christmas, Lord!”

The Messiah retorted with, “Happy Holidays to you and your family, Glenn!”

The ill-tempered interviewer snorted and gave a sarcastic chuckle, followed by, “Yeah right!”

The King of Kings shot back, “Excuse me, my son?”

Beck, whose sanity has been questioned, said, “Jesus, it’s the Holy Season.”

The Bread of Life reassured - in his most strident George Costanza voice, “I’m Aware!” while gesturing to the stigmata on his head and hands.

AL GORE ON SUICIDE WATCH sticky icon

Al Gore was in seclusion and despondent in his twenty-room, 10,000 square-foot humble abode last night after his near-apparent mental breakdown was brought on by a strategic nuclear strike by Israel on Iran’s nuclear facilities.

Israel’s tactical nuclear strike on Iran’s nuclear production facilities has lead to rising tensions in the Middle East and around the rest of the God-fearing, internet-connected world.

Al Gore’s spokesperson, Kalee Kreider, said that the inventor of the internet was holed-up watching his 214 inch high definition television analyzing videotape of the Tennessee Titans’ disappointing 2009 season with Verne Troyer, Jeff Fisher and Eddie Vedder in a 30 foot hardened bunker-like facility in the basement of his “man-castle”. The former Vice President reportedly has a handgun, which he is legally licensed to carry, a handful of cyanide capsules and an 8X10 photograph of Eva Braun.

A Voice of Reason – Finally!! sticky icon

An Open Letter to Old Dan Cedar and King Hippo and Ian Specter and Abzug:

The fairer sex has postmundanely landed on this Penile Planet of Pestilence.

WE are no longer YOUR servants. I know that you want to bring back those pre-suffragette days and probably a few Jim Crow laws, too.

Backhanded belittling will NO LONGER be silently tolerated.

From this day forward a riposte will be delivered from the honorable Susan B. Anthony lectern from which I will – not so gently - harangue.

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PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

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