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OBAMA to Buy ABC – Develop Talent Show

By Ian Specter - Posted on 16 June 2009

Washington, D.C. - Today, after his recently completed listening tour, President Barack Obama announced that the U.S. government will take over the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) for 2 trillion dollars. The president began, “Today, my fellow Americans, I have heard your calls for change — The American government is taking the disdainful step of having to buy ABC. Let there be no doubt here, the company is in no financial crisis and there is no problem with the financial solvency of the American Broadcasting Company.”

The President Of All Things American continued, in his halting, stilted manner of speaking, “The problem lies…. with a basic tenet. This… is the American Broadcasting Company and it… should be owned by the American public. This is no corporate coup d’état. I am in control here — at the white house.”

The Al Haig of the new millennium said, “Now, we will not take a role in the day to day operations of this company — except at only the most basic level. Therefore, beginning at 1pm Eastern Daylight Time, I will meet with the creative team that I have formed, headed by former Secretary of Labor, Robert Reich, to begin printing 2 trillion freshly minted dollar bills and then immediately commence reshaping our nightly line-up. And let me assure you my fellow Americans — Bob, is indeed, ready for prime time.”

The post-messianic leader who is also in charge of General Motors droned on, “Our first order of business is to compete with American Idol which is produced by the anti-marxist conspirators at Fox. This… is a new day for America and we don’t need to look towards capitalist greeders that hate — for our nightly dose of banal entertainment.”

The Entertainer in Chief continued, “The first show in our insipid lineup… will be a direct competitor that will promote the talents of injured American service members from our most recent four wars in the Middle East. This show… will be based on a tried and true formula for success — hip hop, handicapped service members and a ritualistic demeaning by pseudo-celebrities.

Our working title is, Stump the Stumps, where dismembered service men and women will try to guess hip-hop “song titles”…in the fewest notes possible.

The Mao of Now explained, “Overly-degrading, overly-sympathetic and overly-patriotic comments will be interjected… by a four-member panel of celebrities. Those up for consideration include Verne Troyer, Travis Tritt, Billy Dee Williams and Farrah Fawcett — if she is able to endure her current round of chemotherapy.
If necessary, we are looking into the prospects of having Kate Jackson stand-by. This should appeal to all of our major demographics.”

The president was then asked a follow-up by centuries old Washington D. C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas. “Mr. President, you are overstepping your mandate by acquiring ABC which owns Disney and ESPN. This will eventually lead to the government owning every corporation in America. You are using the mutilated members of our military for your national legacy.

The President For Life cast a stern glance and said, “Now Helen — You know that is not a question.”

Mr. Obama then smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, “May God bless you all… and may god bless The United States of America… and any financial holdings by our Union.”

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