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Obama Challenges U.S. To Sun By End Of Decade


By Ian Specter - Posted on 08 September 2009

Washington D.C.– Last night, President Barack Obama conducted the 27th prime time press conference of his seven-month old presidency. In a speech rife with varied historical references and quotes, the president initially invoked the words of John F. Kennedy and challenged the country “to land a man on the surface of the sun and return him safely to earth by the end of this decade.

We do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.”

There is no time for debate. That is why today…I have taken the bold step of allocating NASA $40 trillion to fund this mission.”

The Mao of Now continued, “This must happen. And it must happen NOW!!

The Savior of our Behavior emitted, oh-so eloquently, “Now, I know that the nattering nay bobs of negativity will say that this can’t be done.

And I say – It MUST be done!!

As the great Bruce Springsteen wrote,
’Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun…
But mama, that's where the fun is…’
And if we are gonna spend all of this money…we might as well have some fun.

When I was going through college – I spent many an hour in an opium den near Harvard. I incessantly listened to that song as sung by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band…which fueled more than a few drug induced dreams…The most vivid one was a post-racial society where a quasi-black man was calling the moon shots!!

There is a new Boss in town, Mr. Springsteen - and his name is Barack Obama!!

The Highness of Highness continued, “My fellow Americans - we can’t NOT afford to spend this money.

This is the NEW Big Deal.”

In his stilted, halted manner of speaking The Messiah of This Millennium said, “I have learned a great deal… from other great oratory leaders of the last century. And though we all have our faults…Not all of His ideas were bad:

“I harken to a similar time and a very similar man.
His nation, too, was in shambles. A previous ruler had led His country into an unnecessary war, the economy was failing, and a sense of depression filled the air.

Then, He emerged.
He was a powerful speaker, offering hope, change, and a fix to the economy. He called for unity and considered himself an advocate for peace. Some of His political opponents cast Him as naive and inexperienced. I can think of no greater tribute, so today we will also be renaming OUR political party – The National Socialist Party.

“Ich bin ein Berliner!

“And if any of you loyal countrymen and women have heard disinformation that they are spreading about us – Please call 1-666-NAU-GHTZ or go to our government website and blow the whistle.

“Our final solution – is to build an Autobahn to the Sun."

The Ace of Space continued, “Today – I am proud to announce that the new space vehicle whose ear marks will, once again, make Texas a blue state, is the Volks Shuttle - an eco-friendly answer to America’s manned-space flight gap.”

Upon learning this news - former President Bill Clinton initially offered to join the mission, but later recanted upon learning that there were no beautiful, young, Asian female journalists being held prisoner on the sun.

President Obama’s physical appearance was very different at this press conference. His American Flag lapel had been replaced by an Iron Cross and instead of his clean shaven face – whom Fox news has cruelly named – Hope-a-Dope - had grown a thick, rectangular mustache just above his lip.

The Enlightened One graciously offered to take one question from well-known subversive naysayer and centuries old Washington, D. C. insider and spinster, Helen Thomas.

Ms. Thomas, whom it is speculated, was actually working for Fox News interrogated, “Mr. President, the distance to the sun is over 90 million miles and is – at its core – a nebulous gas that is incapable of supporting the landing of a space vehicle. And from what I have read, it’s – really, really hot.

“Also – we only have 4 months to the end of the decade and we haven’t even begun to build the Volks Shuttle. How do you account for these inconsistencies?”

The Brother of Our Country retorted, “Now Helen, the Volks Shuttle – which was invented and designed by Nobel Prize winner Al Gore – is solar powered, so the Earth’s atmosphere won’t be harmed by dangerous carbon emissions. And Helen, I am sure you didn’t know this, but it only will take us about 8 and ½ minutes to reach the sun – traveling at the speed of light.

The audacity of hope will take us there. Dare to Dream – Helen.”

The Sun King then said, “I want to take you folks back to another song that dazed and confused me while smitten with the wacky tobacky in college.

‘There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day’s done’

In my speech to our school-aged Obama Youth – we’ll all be singin’ this song like my family crooned Kumbaya before my Pappy disappeared.

Yes We Can, my fellow Americans!!”

The reporters then all chanted, “Who’s your Pappy?” and again, “Who’s your Pappy?”

Mr. Obama then winked, waved, smiled and held his right hand directly out over the press corps – most assuredly blessing us all – each and every one.

We - in turn - collectively held out our hand to give him our blessing.

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