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PRESIDENT UNVEILS NEW PROPOSALS TO CURB GUN VIOLENCE


By Ian Specter - Posted on 19 December 2012

(Washington D.C.) On the same day that President Obama was named Time Magazine’s ‘2012 Human Person of the Year’, the president clearly had his mind on back to back wins for the upcoming year. The president took a bold new step at a news conference by calling on congress to act on new laws to curb gun violence and save innocent lives. The president, fresh from an Emmy winning performance at dabbing away ‘tears’ while reading the names of the innocent children massacred at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut only a few days earlier, said this “type of massacre will not happen again. Not on my watch.”

When asked for comment, Roger Hooverlimb, MD, said,“I don’t understand what is wrong with the media in this country. All of attention paid to this unquestionable act of violence on little children. Everyone knows the killer’s name, but I am ignored.” Dr. Hooverlimb runs an abortion clinic less than ten miles from Sandy Hook Elementary where the massacre took place. “Nobody knows my name. I mean, c’mon, twenty kids. That’s a half of a day’s work for me. By 1130am, I am scrubbed up, and headed out to do some last minute Christmas shopping over my lunch break.”

Later in the day, the president, in a scene very reminiscent of the Solyndra debacle, was standing in front of a new facility that he has proposed will curb carbon emissions.

Semi-invoking the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., the president said, “I have a dream that we as a great nation can develop cleaner emission ways of aborting unwanted fetuses, which this country desperately needs.” President Obama continued, in his halting, stilted manner of speaking, “Now I don’t want this to sound like a War On Women, but we, as Americans, can do better…and we will… with your support. We have a lot of unwanted refuse being disposed of from the fine women of Connecticut and we can become a more compassionate country by using subsidized solar energy to conduct these procedures…And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black humans and white humans, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, or something in between, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

In fact, we must get there, for the future of ALL of our children and the future of our beloved planet.”

“But to get to that point, we will need to curb gun violence, cut carbon emissions, and get the economy stimulated back up and running. And the gun proposal that I made today to congress, and our proposed new stimulus bill will help with the construction of this new state of the art, solar abortion mill, which will bring new healthcare and construction jobs to our economy that was decimated by George W. Bush.”

Pausing for a moment, the president grinned and looked at the CEO of the company and added, “Since I’m paying for this this building, do I get a vote on the name?” The CEO nodded.

The president then grinned and said, “I’ve always been a fan of the Blaxploitation films of the 1970s. How does ‘SolSucka’ sound to you fellas? The crowd stood up and gave a standing ovation.

And somewhere, nearly forgotten, the members of the rock band Living Colour, smiled.

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