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Obama Calls For Open Dialogue On Slavery

By Ian Specter - Posted on 27 May 2009

South Bend, IN - Today, President Barack Obama, while accepting an honorary degree from The University of Notre Dame, took a bold step by calling for an open dialogue on slavery.

Obama began, "The other night while sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom — I had a dream — The dream was of ALL black men and white men, rich and poor, all living as one — with the possibility we all would have an equal chance to become slave and slave owner.

Our nation's savior continued, "Wouldn't we all like the chance to access our ancestors' personal history by singing, We Shall Overcome, or by giving a semi-human that is our own personal property — a good flogging?

The Messiah Incarnate then said, "Now, I am not talking of an old idea — Racial Slavery — I am speaking of a New Idea, a New Dream. A chance for every last one of us to choose his or her own destiny and ask — 'Do I choose to be a Master or a Slave?'

I call this a pro-choice position."

Many students and faculty at the university had refused to attend or had spoken out against the president's commencement address because slavery is against the official doctrine of the Catholic Church.

The president outlined his vision — as some in the crowd of graduates jeered and held up signs, one which said, Slavery IS NOT A CHOICE — IT'S A way of LIFE!! Others protested in silence by simply wearing masks of Abraham Lincoln.

The president continued, "Where this debate will end — I do not know, but because I am uniquely qualified to see both sides of this issue — I offer these guidelines:

All Slaves will have free, universal healthcare which will be funded by property owners. This will strengthen the bonds which tie us all together — to our penultimate master.

All Masters — will have the right to run co-opted 'plantations' where cotton and tobacco will be grown in abundance. This will be the catalyst for America’s second industrial revolution.

All Masters will also have the choice as to whether each slave is worth having. In this new world there will be no un-wanted slaves.

There must be a viability timeline. I won't draw those lines. That is for others to decide.

But by 26 weeks or so after a master has purchased or conceived a slave — each master shall have the right to terminate — in a medically sterile, safe and legal procedure — a slave that has been purchased at an inconvenient time for that master.

There will be no more back alley lynchings under my administration.

After that point — each slave shall be given a 3/5 vote in any subsequent election, will have free healthcare coverage and shall have the right to sing any of the traditional slave hymns from our collective past — while working 12-16 hours a day in the unbearable heat."

The president then smiled that broad smile, winked, waved and said, "May God bless Me and My intellectually superior ideas — and may God bless The Fighting Irish."

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