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Old Dan Cedar's Mailbag


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 13 September 2009

Howdy neighbor:
I am just going through my mail bag over the last few weeks for our National Sarcasm Association (NSA). For those that think this is just a bunch of laptop toting, right-winged fringed zealots, trying to keep jack-booted government thugs from destroying our first amendment rights to free speech — this bag is for you!!

Yep, kind of like Ol’ Saint Nick — Old Dan Cedar gets a lot of mail.
My old lady, Bibs Detroit, has been kind enough to sort it out for me - since I am just too gosh darn important to piddle with the minutiae that life mails me.

Look what we have here – it is a stack of Month of….mailings. You know the kind where some lame-ass left or right winged-group has brow-beat some hedonistic president or another into taking the time of The Most Important Man in the World to endorse their cause.

Here is one that just came in!

Seems that June was officially the LGBTP month.
I don’t know how good you are at acronyms, but this one didn’t come quickly to mind. Belated -Happy Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Month.
Hard to believe that mouthful was spunked forth by President Clinton in 2000 - bestowing such an honor on a distinguished group of Americans that truly is just looking to be like the rest of us.

Certainly not their fault they’ve got the AID circulating amongst ‘em. These folk need a month they can truly call their own. And it’s certainly not their fault that they don’t have never-ending-longings for the opposite sex’s genitalia as do I.

Hopefully, one day they can get their just reward for god makin’ ‘em like this – and not just from Mr. Rodham.

Damn me for not knowing this and missing a chance to support my fellow, libertarian Cock and Clit Suckers parade.

But, there is always next June.

Nothing for July.

How about September?
Great!!
September is NADARM.
This one here hits a little close to home. Hang on!!
Old Dan is trying to choke down a 750mg Oxycontin.
Gulp!!
It’s National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month as set forth by none other than the Tee Totaling Texan - President George W. Bush.
Well – at least they won’t have to look too far for a celebrity spokesperson.
Salud!!

Up next. Now here is another one.
Oooopppsss!! There seems to be some duplicity here.
Well, seems that we can thank a Republican for this one, too.
September is National Sewing Month thanks to Ronald Reagan for his all-American co-opted, wrap yourself in Betsy Ross’s kindred spirited arms.
A proclamation set forth in 1982.
So, when you see that your kids have a hole in their pants - just think back to those glory days when a white actor was in the White House and Jesse Jackson was raking in less than 3% of the vote.

Good Times!!
Makes me want to sew one for The Gipper.

And last but not least –
We have Gynecological Cancer Awareness Month – chalk another one up to that great American second President Bush – I couldn’t make this shit up - if I tried.

Maybe I will scurry over to the internet to edify myself.

‘Seems as tho’ Old Dan can help out by running a half-marathon or playing in a golf tourney to raise-awareness – and of course, money.

Hmmm, Interesting…

I will just click on this here website to see – Am I at Risk?

And if I click here, I can find Famous People with Ovarian Cancer.

Now, I know what you moral relativists are saying….
‘Dan, you just stepped over the line of how a well-spun-yarn by Andy Rooney might have tastily ended from the left-winged media elitists at CBS.

As usual – we NSA members are again under attack by the leftist fascists.
Fascists Hypocritical Fucks they are - as usual - more than happy to support free speech unless they disagree with it.

I have only five words for you as I raise my laptop above my head.
Especially for you, Mr. Obama -
“FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!!”

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