By Ian Specter - Posted on 14 August 2012

(Baltimore MD) Chaos and mayhem ensued as the American medal winners of the 2012 games started trickling back into the United States on Monday. Across the country, at every major airport, throngs of Occupy Wall Street lunatics met Olympic medalists at arrival gates, assaulting them, and making off with their gold, silver and bronze medals. Chants of "you didn't earn this!" punctuated the ramparts as stunned air travelers looked on in horror.

At Thurgood Marshall International (TMI) in Baltimore, TSA spokesman Dick Scrote was asked why security wasn't imposed and the local police called. "Well," replied Scrote, "I was about to jump into the fray when President Obama emerged from the crowd with Michael Phelps in a headlock!" Scrote continued, "as I tried to separate the mob, Obama told me to 'stand down…CRACKER', in that stilted, halting speech of his, which is impossible not to recognize. And, where I come from, when The President of the United States tells you to 'stand down,' by 'stand down!'"

At a hastily convened press conference, White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, did his best to put out the fires, stating that this was a "spontaneous" occurrence and that “those people have the right to free speech and assemblage without interference from the government.” When asked how a "spontaneous" occurrence included The President of the United States, Carney mumbled that the president was miffed that he wasn't selected as the starting point guard for the US basketball Dream Team. House minority speaker Nancy Pelosi piped in with, “Now you know how the ninety-nine percent of us feel...the ninety-nine percent of us who have never won a medal in the Olympics!"

When asked where the medals will end up, Carney was evasive, but did say that many of them will end up being displayed in the main offices of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters union halls. Also, the black, hispanic and gay athletes will be able to keep their medals. Furthermore, if they only won a silver or bronze, they will be able to exchange them for gold medals, "which is only fair, due to the decades of oppression that they have endured at the hands of white males."

Would this standard apply to the Asian-American athletes as well?

At a later event in the White House Rose Garden, an open mic captured President Obama, telling Teamsters president, Jimmy Hoffa VIII, “I don't think so...I mean, how many Chinks have you seen begging for money on street corners? I may have more flexibility to do that after the election in November."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed was asked if he agreed with the President on this issue. "Did the swimmers build the pools? Did the sprinters build the tracks that they trained on? Did the gymnasts build the balance beam, the uneven bars, the floor mats? Did the equestrians sire the horses they rode on? Did the male divers make themselves gay?"

Two baffled, ne’er-do-well bloggers, King Hippo and Dan Cedar, spontaneously urinated on the befuddled, babbling corpse of the Majority Leader.

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