By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 16 June 2009

I was rinsing out the putrid remnants of my colostomy bag while reading the daily rag this morning and was proud to see that I had a friend, more like an Uncle, really, who was trying to clean out his own colostomy bag of Marxist ideas.

Like an anal spasm splayed forth from the undigested red meat in his, oh, so better than my — colon.

Remember my friend, soap, hot water — and bleach — for those really tough stains!!


What you degenerative, myopic, fucks fail to focus on — is that you have been fed Federal Fecal French Dips by the Press Puppets of the Presidency long enough. You’re actually eating a Socialist Turdatini Muffalatta – and not the Sweet Shit Sandwich that you have been lead to believe is, actually, behind the deli glass

As Karl Marx said, “The theory of communism may be summed up in one sentence. ABOLISH ALL PRIVATE PROPERTY.”

Now, who the fuck does that sound like?

Think that is a tough question? Here is the good news, kids. Soon, you won’t have to make ANY decisions. Uncle ‘Bama will do all of your thinking for you.

You also probably think that Old Dan’s liver spots look like a pigmented piece of tanned leather. Focus your rods and cones, Asshole!!

Let’s take a look at some of Uncle O’s Grabass Bag of Ideas.

Now, you might not know it, but President Full of Himself — is for freedom of choice. A person should be in charge of his/her own body.

Although tobacco is a drug and should be regulated by the government
(i.e. He Who Hath Not Smoked). Then, he sneaks out back of the White House and torches a fag…

Hypocrites of the world, Unite!!

No, that isn’t the only big initiative by Uncle Brilliance.

These ideas silently float around like the anal fog of death that waffle from my bowels after one too many bags of kettle corn from the Friday night concert series at the community park. Then, before you realize what is happening, the stench has seized up your central nervous system — paralyzing your once supple, vital body, and made it your own Christopher Reeve-like pile of human pulp.

Here is another.

Hugo Chavez North wants to “borrow” the keys and take the Yukon out for a spin — sans emissions. All those years of running a successful business in the private sector are going to pay off for the rest of us — and soon.

Also, but not finally, Presidente Por Vida has another idea de bueno.

He wants control of your fucking healthcare. Listen up, you fat, Camel-smoking hypertensive fucks — No more trans fat, lose the extra body mass, and if you don’t — It is going in your chart.

Since they’ve done such a good job with the V.A., Medicare and Medicaid — Why wouldn’t you trust the Monarchy of Medicine?

Don’t be surprised when the word on high is —
“Sorry, if you don’t do what we say — you will lose your ‘right’ to free healthcare.”

As my grand pappy said, “Ass, Gas or Grass — Nobody Rides for Free!!”

Yes, they got the bumper sticker from him.

Captain Know It All has been at the wheel for less than 6 months.

Only 3 and a half years to go.

Even YOU ought to be able to do the math.

It’s your car America.

Kick that Fucker out on the asphalt.

Start her up.

And Drive

Capitalists of the world, Unite!!

It’s now or never!!

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In The News


Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.