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PIRHANHA 3D - Aka...Big Titties, Junior Mints and Warm Beer, er...I mean BLOOD!


By Lady Spamalot - Posted on 28 September 2010

Rodney Carrington’s ‘Momma’s Got Her Boob Out’ song was the first thing to pop into my mind after seeing this blockbuster. Because there was no shortage of either titties or blood for almost the entire eighty eight minutes – yes! 88 minutes! Too bad for the young couple sitting a few rows in front of us…. they had to cut their make out session short. (From my discreet camera work – there seemed to be a problem with coitus interruptus.)

Oh, the days when going to a movie with a member of the opposite gender ignited sexual fantasies from burning young libidos! My libido has long since burned out. Yes, all of my theatrics are for my one and only - filthy boy’s – porn fueled fantasy.

I was already half way through my jumbo box of Junior Mints by the time the opening scene started. And the guy I was seeing the movie with - knew not to ask for any, at the risk of our own little bloodbath ensuing from me cutting his fingers off at his first stab at taking any of my mints. I may not have a libido, but I still have passion. And, as Dan Cedar says, ‘Attitude accounts for a lot of pleasure’.

Speaking of pleasure, Piranha 3D is a guilty one. Bikinis, blood and bad visual effects are the main highlights in this movie that is so blatantly awful that I couldn’t help but love it!

The acting is terrible, the plot even worse and the gore is over the top. Much like an episode of Grey’s Anatomy after the first season when the writers went on strike. And as much as you want to stop watching, you stay until the credits roll. Unabashedly enjoying it and hating yourself at the same time.

The opening scene of Piranha has Richard Dreyfuss as an old man drinking beer and fishing on the lake. He tosses a bottle over the side and when it hits the bottom, it triggers a cataclysmic shift in the earth’s crust. This opens a prehistoric lake populated with, well, prehistoric piranhas. They immediately know that it’s Spring Break and make a beeline to the wet T-shirt contest where all the underage drinkers are reveling to music and dangling their unclad flesh in the water.

A shitload of Junior Mints for these little halitosis-addled piranhas, if you will, and maybe some dental floss and a Water Pick.

It’s not a spoiler to say that the frontal nudity and carnage ensues. There are a few sub-story lines interweaved into the visual bloodbath, but the gore takes center stage.

It is 3D, after all.

I was very glad to have polished off my mints before the movie started because there was a point where all that 3D bloodiness became like a bad all-girl AC/DC cover band – too much of a bad thing can be nauseatingly surreal.

Thankfully, there is reprieve from all the goriness with an artistic moment between two very hot babes kissing and swimming naked together under the water for a Wild, Wild Girls video being filmed on the lake for Spring Break. I could almost hear Dan Cedar cheering them on. Ahhh, fantasies….

Ironically, the piranhas don’t dare fucking interrupt THIS scene. God damned bi-sexual porn craving piranhas.

Not so ironically, the couple a few rows up were back to exchanging non-blood-borne bodily fluids at this point.

And my friend had a sexually glazed-look in his eyes, as well.

Me? I was wishing for another box of Junior Mints with a hint of Mulva.

Well, not much longer after this ethereal scene is finished, the piranhas descend upon the lesbian love fest and the moment is soon drenched in severed flesh and blood. We’re gonna need a mop-up on the Cleaver aisle. Don’t worry Ward – the blood will wash right out of that pearl necklace!

The other main characters barely escape and everyone breathes a deep sigh of relief...but too soon, as it turns out. Suffice it to say that there will be a Piranhas 3D sequel…

…at about the same time as that couple a few rows in front of us has their love child.

If it’s a boy, maybe they’ll name him Junior.

As for you, Jake Jarmel – I ain’t your momma and my boobies are staying right where they started. Thanks for the free ride – Sucka!!!!!!

Note to my editor – Dan Cedar: Yes, that sentence needed the exclamation points!!!!

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