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RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – Aka…Get Your Hands Off Me…You Damned Dirty Liberals


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 31 December 2011

So, I guess one shouldn’t try to find a CGI driven movie starring two of the worst, over-actors to grace our planet of Neanderthals since the great Rod Serling co-penned the original PLANET OF THE APES and the great Mr. Fred Rogers’ first episode aired in February of 1968; John Lithgow and James Franco should be two glow-in-the dark, neon red flags, right?

The apes, after apparently having seen our military’s impotence in Afghanistan and Iraq, figure, what the hell are the fucking humans gonna do to stop them…as the goddamn apes converge on the city of San Francisco.

The apes are all smarter than the current occupant of the White House and every other human. But the King of Idiot Mountain is James 'Fucking' Franco who is fittingly cast as the MOST IDIOTIC SCIENTIST IN THE WORLD. He is willing to give up the finest, non-infected piece of ass in San Francisco, Freida Pinto, so he can let the earth be destroyed for his love of a dumb, fucking ape that is out-acting his ass in every fucking frame of film.

Yeah, I know they spoke English in the first movie and the flimsy prosthetic masks the apes were wearing can be had at Wal-Mart for $50 these days…but that was eight fucking films and a short-lived live action TV series…followed by a shitty Saturday morning cartoon. That was in the Age of Innocence…before Jimmy Carter turned this country into a police state and started shoving solar power and the metric system down my throat and up my ass.

It's a mad house! A mad house!

I fully realize this is a fictional story. But there are greater leaps of logic here than the fact that a bunch of animals can talk, smoke weed or take over the corner of Haight and Ashbury. Usually, I don’t find it essential to delve into the movie’s plot. But, the idiocy here needs to be explained to be believed.

First of all…this ASSHOLE “SCIENTIST”, James 'Fucking' Franco is in charge of an ape. He is giving the ape some “experimental drug”. The drug company that he is working for has a president that decides to take the “new drug” to its board of directors for human testing after it “succeeded” on ONE FUCKING DISASTER OF AN EXPERIMENT APE.

When this PREDICTABLY ends in a disaster…James 'Fucking' Franco decides to take the dead 'Experimental Disaster' Ape's baby home. Franco (aka..Mr. Observant) didn’t even realize the first ape was pregnant…much less had had a baby Ape. Franco names the baby Ape “Caesar”, so this in some way ties in with the first seven movies.

Since the drug company is now spooked and doesn’t want to touch his monkey…Franco decides to pout and take his ape and go home.

Here…is another little problem….James 'Fucking' Franco takes the original drug and completely reengineers the drug in his fucking apartment and injects it into his Alzheimered Daddy…the, reliably, overacting John Lithgow.

There…he teaches “Caesar” to draw, play the piano and read. “Caesar” runs across a copy of Mein Kampf…and…voila… the second coming of The Beer Hall Putsch is born.

These apes can do EVERYTHING; sign language, show compassion, vengefulness, and are virtually impervious to bullets and fucking gravity. I haven’t seen this many flying monkeys since The Wizard of Oz.

In June of 2011 U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner announces resignation 10 days after admitting he'd sent lewd self-portraits to women online. The highlights of that month’s movie releases: Transformers (Dark of the Moon), Mr. Popper’s Penguins , The Green Lantern. And, of course, the newest incarnation in the series…The Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

THIS REVIEWER WANTS TO BE MR. ROGERS' NEIGHBOR...NOT YOU CURRENT SECTION 8 OCCUPANTS!!!

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! OH, DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Dan Cedar

1 Naybob

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