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RANGO - Aka... I Got a Blow Job In This Movie

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 27 July 2011

No, it’s not a metaphor. And yes it was on DVD.

This brings me to my first rant of this here review. A couple of decades back I was invited by this skirt that I worked with to have her “cook me a home-cooked meal”.

Her name was Lisa. She was ok looking. But this was before science folk had taught the village idiot of the damage that could be done to her skin by the man-made, daily-dissipitating ozone layer.

Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon after I fucked her – but it was not to be.

Old Dan has some standards. And one of those is – I DON’T FUCK RETARDS!!

Tell us – Old Dan - What gave her away?

Sit down on the back porch and I will clear it up for ye.

I made reference to a “metaphor” in our over-dinner gabfest. And guess what??

Miss Rawhide didn’t know what that “big word” meant.

As for Rango

That “big word” “metaphor” was used – not once, but twice. In a fucking cartoon!!

And since I am married to a woman with three times my vocabulary – we sat through the whole 98 minutes of the movie – sans explanation – though not without some oral exploration. Anyway…about the movie…

Rango is about this lizard that gets caught up in this old western town, becomes sheriff and has to save the day from the greedy politicians and bankers. It’s a hot, dry movie that takes place in a desert. I found myself trying to quench my thirst throughout. As did my wife.

The other details of Rango are irrelevant, save for this – Rango was written by a writer. Somebody that knows the nuances and deftness of the English language. Chap’s name is John Logan.

And from one literary genius to another – Old Dan salutes thee in a hearty cockney accent – “Hello, Guvner!!”

And you all may not know it, but when a writer hears good writing – it affects Old Dan Cedar a bit like seeing 10 guys playing basketball affects Lady Spamalot. My Little Dan jumped up to see what all of the hu-bub was about when he heard the clever incantations splaying forth from the blue ray. Somebody was excited. And something needed to get done about it. And fast.

And in steps my wife – one Bibs Detroit – with a fine fellatio homemade meal she cooked up with very little help from me. I think it was Italian.

And, uh Lisa…if you’re out there reading this. While your mind wanders to how your life might be different if you could afford to attend DeVry Institute while you aimlessly watch Gomer Pyle re-runs. You might want to go ahead and write down the phone number of the next commercial for Dr. Evil’s Age Restoration And Body Spa. He really CAN use a “LASER” and rid you of those age spots with NO MONEY DOWN.

And cancel the fucking tanning membership while you’re at it.

Not knowing that “big word” cost Miss Lisa the opportunity to give Old Dan Cedar a blowjob during Rango. Know why?

Cause dumb assedness turns Old Dan OFF!!

Our dinner conversation was turning ugly.

“You don’t know what a metaphor is? Really, LISA??

Well, thanks for the “homemade Ragu spaghetti”, but excuse me - I must now take my leave.”

And I did.”

Just prior to Rango’s third act - the third installment of “Old Dan’s Wives Club” was more than happy to share her own particular version of U2’s Rattle and Hum.

And with her thirst quenched and her belly full – your humble and satisfied reviewer completed Rango with my wife - draped naked across my bloated, distended gut and my sagging man boobs – passed out.

But the best part of Rango was yet to come. There was absolutely no reference to the fact that the moral of the story is that it is SO HOT because of manmade greenhouse gases or some such explanation which has become de rigueur from Hollywood kids’ mind-shaping movies of the 21st Century.

The moral of this review for everyone except Lisa: Get a blowjob during Rango and it goes from 3 Naybobs to 4. Even if the movie has to be paused in lieu of Never Ending Milfs #24 for 12 minutes.


Dan Cedar

4 Naybobs

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