You are herePast Movie Reviews / REVOLUTIONARY ROAD - Aka… Way to harsh my 1950’s mellow, you Insufferable Dreamers and Suburban Slutbags

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD - Aka… Way to harsh my 1950’s mellow, you Insufferable Dreamers and Suburban Slutbags


By Visitor - Posted on 16 June 2009

By the way, Dear Readers, I’m the token Femme Reviewer for this testosterone and B.O.-laden movie review site, so you’ll have to cut me some slack if I’m not as crude and misogynistic as the other reviewers, especially our bone-headed editor. After the hack-job he did on my previous review I may have to go all Valkyrie on his ass, and that won’t be pretty, considering the fact that I weigh 500 pounds and live in a trailer.

Anyway, I’m here to bring some womanly sensitivity and tolerance into this circle jerk known as sarcasticmoviereviews.com. So fuck off with that machismo shit and let the lady do her thang.

(…Ok, who am I kidding? I can probably out-crude the lot of these lunatics, but with the tact, editing skills and empathy that only a female can provide, depending on the time of the month, of course.)

Now to the movie review!

Kate and Leo back are back from their ill-fated billion dollar boat ride — together again.

April “Slutbag” Wheeler (Kate Winslet) failed at the only thing she ever wanted to do — ACT! In the opening scene of Revolutionary Road she humiliates herself in front of her friends, family and husband, Frank (Leonardo DiCaprio), in a local production of “Who Gives a Shit” at the neighborhood high school.

Frank tries to make light of it and encourages her to go out for drinks and an S&M foursome with their friends.

April is annoyed by Frank’s insensitivity to her and tells him to fuck off with that shit. At this point of the film, the first 10 minutes mind you, I wanted to whisk poor, lazy Frank away from that bitter shrew and give him the hand job and piece of apple pie that he deserved.

Poor, lazy Frank Wheeler. All he ever wanted to do was run off to Paris to live the life of the Intellectual Post-war Bohemian. He disdains the 9 - 5 office job he holds in marketing at Knox Business Machines because it means he is a conformist. Why? He’s better than that!

Yeah, me too, did I tell you what a Fucking Moronic Fuck my editor is?

Frank and April believe they are too “special” for the suburban reality on Revolutionary Road. It’s suffocating! It’s boring! They are revolutionaries!

Insufferable Dreamers. Free spirits with things, places and people to do!

April tells Frank “For years I thought we shared this secret, that we would be wonderful in the world.” Yeah April, I used to tell my ex-husband that all the time — right after I paid the mortgage, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the bathrooms and washed the skid marks out of his shorts. Ah, life.

While at work on his 30th birthday, Frank treats himself to a busty, young thing from the secretarial pool over a 10 martini lunch. Ahh, the 50’s. Good times and no sexual harassment hassles.

When he gets home that evening, April and the kids are there, sunny and smiling, with dinner and a birthday cake waiting. Fucking Happy Family Fucks.

April discovers and old photo of Frank in Paris on D-Day. “That’s it!” she thinks to herself. We’ll move to Paris! We’ll live the life of adventure! We’ll pursue our dreams!

April tells Frank that he can study and explore while she supports the family in Paris by working as a secretary for the U.N. and by blowing French guys for extra cash. Because, of course, those secretarial jobs pay extremely well and those French guys are really tired of improvising with hollowed out croissants. Frank falls for April’s renewed lust for life because the thought of Paris makes her horny. Very, very horny. Paris! Yes! Yesssss!!! Oh GOD PAAAARRIIIIIS!!!
*lights cigarette*

Lazy Fucking Frank unwittingly pleases a client with a marketing idea and suddenly he’s Knox’s Golden Boy, up for promotion and giant bags of money. Coincidentally — he changes his mind about Paris. They can be happy in Paris! Well, Fuck Paris and, by the way, remember when the Slutbag April didn’t want the foursome. NOW — it’s her idea, so it’s ok that she fucks the same guy that Lazy Frank suggested at the beginning of the film.

Slow down you little hussy!! April finds out she’s 10 weeks pregnant, before they’re scheduled to move to suburbs de Paris. She lets Frank know, but tells him she can “get rid of it” before she’s reached 12 weeks. They fight, yes again. April tells Frank she hates him, but dishes need to be washed, clothes need to be folded, and dust bunnies need to be vacuumed. Welcome to reality, morons.

Dinner party showdown scene: John, the schizophrenic son of Mr. and Mrs. Givings (Kathy Bates), serves as the contrived “conscience” of the film. He exposes April and Frank’s personality disorders and emotional frailties with his relentless personal questions, as only a conscientious schizo can do.

God love the crazies.

The one saving grace about this scene is that Kathy Bates didn’t pull an About Schmidt and repulse us all with her pale, quivering blob of a naked body. Although this is also the only film I can recall where Kate Winslet did NOT get nekkid. What’s up with THAT? Probably because her husband, Sam Mendes, was the film’s director…

The Givens family is kicked out of the house.

Another fight between the titanic duo. April has back alley epiphany. Hummm, I wonder what it could be?

She gets up the next morning and plays June Cleaver. This is the acting performance of her life! Frank is surprised, given what transpired the night before, but he doesn’t question her motives.

Frank leaves in a chipper mood, believing his wife has resigned herself to her role in Suburbia. But little does he know that she’s reconciled herself to a date with a botched abortion on their bathroom floor.
*cue dramatic piano crescendo*

April dies in the hospital from blood loss. Frank is desolate and moves on with his tragically neglected kids to the city.
A new couple moves into the Wheeler house on Revolutionary Road to die that slow death of suburbia. The film ends with Mr. Givens turning the volume down on his hearing aid while Mrs. Givens rambles on about the Wheeler”s and god knows what else. Apparently that’s the real secret to finding happiness in suburbia, knowing when to turn down your hearing aid and tune the fuck out.

I didn’t read the novel by Richard Yates, but now, I definitely won’t. I’d rather set fire to my trailer and slit my wrists in a warm bath (remember kids, it’s down, not sideways!).

That “revolutionary” American spirit is dead. Well, what else is new?

There really are “special” people out there, but you’re lucky if you get to be one of them.

Really, you Insufferable Dreamers and Slutbags, just fuck off with that shit.

Movie Rating System

Search

Cool Site of the Day!



We are proud to be the Cool Site of the Day!

Vote for us in the voting frame at Cool Site of the Day!

In The News

PALIN PLANS FOR FUTURE - MONEY SHOT!!

Wasilla, AK - Today, soon to be ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, announced more specifics on her puzzling decision to step down from her role as governor of Alaska.

Appearing at a press conference, that was ripe with double entendre, and fully heightened in four inch red, high heels, a black pleather mini-skirt and a white, ruffled, half-unbuttoned blouse – “Caribou Barbie” as some have dubbed her, came out with ordnance ablaze.

more...