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ROMNEY WAKES UP


By Ian Specter - Posted on 18 July 2012

(Bowling Green – Ohio) Today, in a stunning political pivot, Mitt Romney made the political calculation that boring the American public into a coma prior to the upcoming presidential election was not a winning formula. Romney, sporting a Kenny Chesney-inspired sleeveless shirt and white Cowboy hat, not only appeared different, but had some polar-opposite ideas than he had previously shared.

Backed by a new campaign theme song, Subdivisions, by Canadian prog-rock icons, Rush, Romney appeared to be infused with a personality, leading the crowd in a ‘Yes We Canada’, ‘Yes We Canada’ chant. The puzzled, but malleable crowd slowly picked up the chant for the next 18 minutes with Romney waving his arms like a conductor.

Finally, when the crowd had been worked into a cult-like frenzy, Romney took off his Stetson and quieted the throngs as the volume of 'Subdivisions' was brought down. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee began his remarks. “Some people say that we are a closed-minded people. Some people would be wrong.”

“I come before you today to propose some big ideas. Some might say that capitalism is wrong. Some might say that the government can do more. To those people I say, ‘Yes We Canada’.”

“Today, my fellow North Americans, I propose that we look beyond ourselves, our communities and our countries. Anybody hot out there??”

“Yes”, cried the crowd.

Laughing, Romney said, “Well, I am too! I am hot as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore, Ohio!”

“If there is one thing this summer has proved to me. Global warming is destroying the United States of America.”

“When my great grandfather and his 12 wives got chased out of Iowa, did they quit? Heck no, they went to Utah. And when my grandfather and his four wives got run out of Utah, did they quit? Heck no, they went to Mexico. And when my Mexican daddy got run out of Mexico, did he quit? Heck no, he went to Michigan. And today, when we’re all sweating our balls off here in the good old USA and we can’t grow anything because global warming is melting the ice caps. Are we gonna quit?

“Heck no!!” Screamed the crowd.

Romney continued, “We’re going to Canada!!”

The crowd began surreally chanting, “Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da!!”

Romney yelled, “Heck yeah!”

Romney continued, “My fellow North Americans, when we ran out of room 200 years ago, we purchased Louisiana and ran the Injuns out and put them all together like they wanted. When we needed more room after that, we got all the way to California. Then Alaska. Then Hawaii.”

Romney then joked, “Anybody notice a pattern here?”

The crowd, again, began surreally chanting, “Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da, Can-A-Da!!”

“That’s right,” Romney crowed, “We’re coming. One way or another.”

“Some men say, ‘Why?’ I say, ‘Why not??!’

“I mean, if we can’t kick some Canuck ass, do we REALLY have a military industrial complex? Ha, Ha!! Wheee!!”

“And today, I propose that we solve the illegal immigrant problem. And we will not do that by building a wall. No, Sir. On my first day in office, I will create a government agency that will build a bridge from Mexico to Canada. This will take the migrants from Mexico up and over this once great country.”

“The Mexicans can build the bridge and when they get to the other side…that tundra should be pretty much gone, and that fertile ground is gonna need some tilling, and planting and picking, and I’M sure as hell not gonna do it. And if I know you, my fellow Americans, neither are you.”

Romney ended his speech with, “And don’t let it be said that I am going to choose some boring, middle-aged white Vice President. Today, I pledge to all of you, that THESE Olympics that start in less than two weeks will have consequences. Today, I pledge my full support for the person or persons that are U.S. Citizens, who come back with the most gold medals from the London 2012 Olympic Games. Be it a pothead, doper, or just a hard working winner.”

When asked for comment, Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid said, “Romney is just pandering to the large Canadian presence on Wall Street that controls big businesses like Bain Capital, J.P. Morgan and a bunch of other hedge funders that want to ship jobs overseas. And I consider it a slap in the face that Governor Romney will not choose a boring, middle-aged, white man for Vice President.”

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