By Ian Specter - Posted on 21 March 2012

(New Brunswick, New Jersey) At a press conference called today, Middlesex County First Assistant Prosecutor Julia McClure, who led the courtroom prosecution of Dharun Ravi, has taken the unprecedented step of prosecuting herself, the interrogating police officer, and the entire jury of a hate crime. Mr. Ravi now faces up to ten years in prison and possible deportation for his actions in the death of his gay roommate Tyler Clementi.

Ms. McClure was candid in her comments a week after the guilty ‘hate
crime’ verdict against Mr. Ravi for teasing online comments that he made about a homosexual encounter that Tyler Clementi had had in the dorm room they shared. Clementi then ‘showed-everyone’ by doing a swan dive off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River.”

Ms. McClure stated, “After a week of soul searching – I came to the conclusion that the policeman that grilled the defendant, the jury, and myself are all guilty of a hate crime. The New Jersey statute specifically states that a hate crime can be based on race, color, religion, gender, handicap, sexual orientation or ethnicity. And Mr. Ravi, who emigrated from India at the age of six, is obviously colored, of an impure race and religion, and was unduly prosecuted by Middlesex *giggle* County. I wouldn’t call him gay or handicapped, but, with that haircut, and that lazy eye…I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Needless to say, we didn’t buy the Defense’s argument that Mr. Clementi was doing a Greg Louganis tribute to The Father of our Country when he committed suicide. But, I can’t tell a lie…Mr. Ravi did not chop down that fairy tree, alone.”

“It’s obvious to me that the police officer that interrogated him for fifty minutes was badgering him for one, if not more of the reasons stated in the ordinance, and was "mean-spirited, malicious and criminal."

“I would like to verbally chastise the entire law and order system of our county. But I don’t want to be too mean spirited, because I don’t want any of these pussies to sneak out to their mom’s garage and run a carbon monoxide laden hose from the back of their 1997 Honda Civic to the front window that will barely roll down. Then haughtily jaunt off to meet Jesus - while leaving me holding the body bag.”

“Also, it turns out that Tyler Clementi was having deeper issues than we first realized. Today we understand that he was taking anti-depressants (which have been linked to suicidal thoughts), listening to a lot of Metallica lyrics during the preceding 13 days prior to his death, dropping acid multiple times daily, and drowning in guilt for volunteering for Barack Obama’s phone call bank just prior to the 2008 election and Mr. Obama’s subsequent, failed presidency. So, there are dozens of others we will, undoubtedly, be able to prosecute in the subsequent months.”

“In my humble opinion,” continued Ms. McClure, “both Mr. Clementi
and Mr. Ravi ought to be able to take a little good-natured ribbing and get over it. But, the law is the law…and the Thought Police are here
to stand, judge and execute.”

“We will let God sort them out.”

“And by them…I mean us, too.”

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