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President To Sacrifice Youngest Daughter

By Ian Specter - Posted on 28 September 2010

Washington D. C. – Today, President Barack Obama emerged from a fortnight spent seeking counsel and receiving sitar lessons from legendary Hindi musician and vegetarian Ravi Shankar. Validating fears of Fox news and many conservative Americans with Judeo-Christian values, the president confirmed that he will sacrifice his virgin daughter, Sasha, to the Indian pagan god Vishnu.

President Obama, in a live press conference from the White House Rose Garden said, “It is my hope that this ritual will clench the fists of all 100 hands of Vishnu – so that she may fight the oppression of the Freemason and Jews.”

The president reportedly came to this decision after reviewing a copy of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion which had been left in the White House by former President Woodrow Wilson. The president’s epiphany came to him in a peyote-induced delusion that he shared with Shankar.

CNN Reporter Soledad O’Brien reported the upcoming sacrifice “may well be the most blatant harbinger of the Post-Racial, Post-Gender and Post-Coital World to occur in the history of mankind. I mean – can you imagine George W. Bush having the courage to smoke peyote with an Indian – not an American Indian. That is truly out-of-the-box thinking”.

While Rush Limbaugh understatedly claimed this as “one of the seven signs of the apocalypse" and that the current president "is indeed, The Anti-Christ.”

President Obama said in a White House Rose Garden press conference, “I stand with a former great American, Henry Ford and the Inventor of the radio, Guglielmo Marconi – who, let me be clear on this point - never even heard a mamba – much less played it. And with this truth exposed – I hope to defeat what is clearly and completely a conspiracy between the Freemasons and Jews forged together by the Illuminati.”

“This, of course, led ultimately to the Orwellian de-evolution of Jefferson Airplane into Jefferson Starship in 1984, which allowed them to ‘build that godforsaken city on Rock and Roll’. And that song – my fellow Americans – may be the greatest Rock and Roll travesty of all time.”

“Again, the sacrifice of my daughter is nothing personal and I will genuinely miss her innate ability to deflect media criticism from my own ineptitude as the president of this once great country. But it is, quite truthfully, the only way I can see to end this thing – that was put into motion – by Grace Slick and Mickey Thomas in 1984.”

The president then smiled broadly, waved his hand, winked and said, “And let me be clear in asserting my unwavering Christianity and the right of a free and independent Jerusalem, but I do want to leave you with a quote from the great George Harrison, ‘My Sweet Lord – I really want to be with you, Hare’ Krishna, Hare’ Hare’.”

The president then concluded, “Lord Vishnu - please accept the sacrifice of my daughter and please reincarnate her in a timely fashion as George Harrison –

The Greatest Musician Of All Time!!”

With that – the president and first lady took a brief photo op to introduce the country to their new pet sacred-cow, Kenny, whom the soon-to-be ex-first-daughter, was allowed to name.

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