By Ian Specter - Posted on 04 August 2011

(Punxsutawney) The day after the debt ceiling debate put the kibosh on the good times on Wall Street - The New York Stock Exchange grabbed the national headlines with their “Crisis For The Day” when it went into a free-fall of more than 500 points amid fears that an antibiotic resistant strain of Salmonella may threaten the nation’s financial stability. The outbreak could threaten more than a dozen family Thanksgiving dinners - if it is not quickly contained.

The CDC (Centers for Disease Control) has traced the problem to unsanitary conditions by a Jefferson County, Missouri turkey wrangler Ron Schump who claims that his common-law wife, Michelle Smith, had raised their turkey as her daughter.

The plague has already killed one person and made tens of people ill.

Mr. Schump claimed that he had repeatedly caught his wife filling her voluminous navel with Purina Turkey Chow to entice their “pet” turkey, “Fatty Arbuckle”, to graze at every meal from her disgusting, lint and bacteria-filled navel for more than three months.

“Fatty Arbuckle” would then fellatio every male turkey and rooster in three surrounding counties. Shortly thereafter, a myriad of STD’s caused by the “unprotected oral sex” began spreading throughout the crank trailers of lower Missouri – before finally turning up in a barely edible “Tex-Mex” spread of appetizers for last weekend’s 30th year Arlington Lamar (Class of 1981) High School reunion.

When America’s politicians and pundits offered ‘solutions’ – their ideas were varied, yet vaguely familiar; Sarah Palin offered a “Just Say No To Turkey Fellatio” plan at her stump speech in Ames, Iowa. Just ahead of the staw poll to be held there in about ten days.

John Mellencamp has already reissued an “Unplugged” version of his melodramatic hit from 1980’s, “Rain on the Scarecrow - Blood on The Dow” and is already planning a “Turk Aid” concert to try to save all of the turkey farmers now at great risk of losing their antibiotic-free, organic turkey slaughter houses.

Mellencamp claims he will team with National Islamic Founder, Louis Farrakhan, to organize a Million Turkey March on the National Mall in Washington, D. C.

Johnson County Planned Parenthood activist and part-time life insurance salesman, 'Needlenose' Ned Ryerson, said that the clinics would be giving free condoms to all turkeys in a 14 state area to slow the progression of the disease.

Ryerson added, "We don't want to see a rash of Turkey Crank Babies. We are ready and willing to vacuum those little fuckers out if the rubber's don't work." When reminded that a turkey can't be impregnated by a blow job, Ryerson added. "Seems unlikely, but you never know what's been swishing around in them turkey beaks."

The Reverend Al Sharpton asked rhetorically if "this scourge had been brought on by hate-mongering tea party racists to reduce the impact of colored folks in next year’s presidential election."

John McCain claimed that the turkey in question "was raised by a bunch of in-bred, tea-party hobbits that rarely wash their hands, much less their belly buttons."

The independent Congressional Budget Office estimated that an outbreak could cause the loss of 40 trillion dollars over the next 7 years and the loss of America's AAA credit rating.

When informed of the most recent turn of events, House Speaker John Boehner, in a joint press conference with Kathy Bates began uncontrollably sobbing…mumbling “Poor turkeys!! Poor dirty, little birds!!"

One time presidential hopeful Al Gore seized the opportunity by emphatically waiving a study that had linked the salmonella outbreak to America’s carbon dioxide production. He gave no further details prior to flying off in his private jet for Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun with Carly Simon.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and Barack Obama issued a joint statement emphasizing that they would wait until the day after the 2012 election before offering any statements or solutions – so as to not alienate prospective voters.

The turkey in question, "Fatty Arbuckle", when asked for comment bellowed,“THE SKY IS FALLING!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!

From Punxsutawney: It's Phil Connors reporting.

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