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SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD - Aka...The Shittiest Movie of All Time


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 28 September 2010

When this reviewer told King Hippo that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World “was the shittiest movie of all time”- what was his reply?

“What did you expect, Dumbass?”

This – coming from a guy, King Hippo, that describes Birth of a Nation – the 1915 film glorifying the formation and triumph of the Ku Klux Klan as, “the closest thing I have ever had to an orgasm without involving a prostitute”.

Here’s the general premise of Scott Pilgrim. Quirky guy in the upper latitudes of North America finds himself among a bunch of other Quirky folks and everybody learns to accept the differences of those unlike themselves.

Sound familiar?? It may bring to my mind a great television program in that same vein – Northern Exposure.
Not a normal character in the bunch, right?

Northern Exposure
– The Movie??!!!

Wrong – Numbnuts!!

Northern Exposure WAS FUNNY WITH GREAT WRITING!!

Given that Cera’s geeky, droll, comic turns in Juno, Superbad and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist were hilarious or, at least, mildly amusing - and it appeared by the previews that Cera was, once again, playing the same, self-effacing geek that he has played in all of his previous movies.

It can’t be that bad!!??

Incorrect Again, DOOKIE BALL!!

The story in a nutshell - Quirky geek (Cera), who is in a band, has to fight off “seven deadly exes” who are ex-lovers of his current “gash-interest”. The fighting is done in the mode of a karate video game that was popular some 15 years ago (when the action is supposed to take place). Money bursts out to the floor when he wins. Blah, blah, blah…

After he wins all of the battles he gets the girl, right?

Nope.

After all this bullshit - he changes his mind and inexplicably picks another girl.

I didn’t waste much time rehashing the details, considering that the writer of the movie and graphic novel from which it was birthed – didn’t seem to invest a lot of time,
effort or energy – unless you consider the amount of thought that went in to this “Geek Takes on the World”, anti-hero contrivance.

The premise wouldn’t be so bad except there is nary a laugh throughout the movie.

Except among the stoners giggling and talking throughout the movie.

Bogarting Fucks!!

Four words: SHITTY STORY – SHITTY WRITING!!

Cera, who is (allegedly) sexually straight, inexplicably rooms – in the same bed – not room – yes, bed - as
a gay male friend.

Another quirk – All of the straight guys are effeminate and focused on getting some hot gash. All of the gay guys are (more) masculine and focused on getting some good wood. Oh, and yeah, they can turn straight guys into dick-loving anal mates with a mere cock (pun intended) of the head.

If Sarah Palin espoused this theory she would be touted by CNN as a closed-minded, bible-toting nutbar!!

And if you like puns – you will get more than a mouthful in this movie.

And it’s not just Cera that is quirky.

EVERYONE IS QUIRKY.

Also, everyone has special powers. Not just karate and pseudo-super hero powers.

Power to read minds. Power to rollerblade in the snow. Power garnered from being a Vegan. On and on….

Four more words: SHITTY STORY – SHITTY WRITING!!

Ok, in a rare show of deference to King Hippo - Birth of a Nation was actually, at least, an interesting movie – however bizarre. But, it was a sincere bizarre. Not just a bizarre machination dreamed up to be cute and daring – in the most insincere, anti-hero movie in the history of 100 years of film making.

A little perspective on this little “indy”, anti-hero film -1) It was produced by Universal Studios (one of the seven biggest film studios in the world). 2) The anti-establishment fucks that made this wankfest had the wherewithal to drop in two real nice Coca-Cola product placements!

All of you dorks of the world unite!!

And drink Coke!!

Real cutting edge stuff!!

Have a Coke – a joint – and a smile.
And – while you’re at it - support the anarchists!!

Thanks for the $10!! You fucking Idiots!

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