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SINISTER....Aka - Now I Remember Why I Love 8mm Snuff Films


By King Hippo - Posted on 21 October 2012

Well, I have to admit that the previews were ten times scarier than the actual movie. However, that doesn't completely void the movie's appeal. Instead of being a complete horror fest, the movie takes a more subtle path, albeit with mass family murders as the backdrop. So even though it was filled with the usual clichés, there were enough unexpected twists to keep it interesting. Especially the "Lawn Work '86" reel.

Damn cheap ass mower blades! I have to re-sharpen them every time I hit a bump in the lawn!

Ethan Hawke plays "Daddy"- a true-crime novelist whose last big hit was years ago. Trying to rekindle the magic of his previous best seller, Hawke moves his family into a house where he plans to write his next novel. What he doesn't tell the family is that he moved them into a house in which the previous family was hung from a tree in the backyard, except that one of the children went missing afterwards. All of this to inspire his writing to greatness! Kind of like when Dan Cedar spends two weeks in gay bathhouses under the guise of "research."

As the family unloads their belongings from their move, Hawke goes up into the attic only to discover a box filled with Super 8 movie reels and a projector. He watches the film titled, "Family Hanging Out '11" only to see the family whose house he bought being murdered...in living Super 8 color, no less!

As his research progresses, he compiles a list of families who have been ritually murdered, only to find out that one of the children from each family have disappeared in all cases. There seems to be no connection between the families as they have lived in all parts of the United States and are unrelated. Kind of like ‘American Horror Story’.

Working with a star struck local deputy, Hawke is put in contact with a paranormal expert who deciphers a common symbol in all of the films and tells Hawke that the demonic figure in the films is a pagan deity named Bughuul, also known as the eater of children's souls. Ironically, the Catholic Church also has their own eaters of children's souls. They're called Priests. And they eat their victims souls through their penises.

The reason there aren't many images left of the deity is that the Babylonians believed that pictures of Bughuul were a portal between his world and earth. Therefore, images of his were routinely destroyed. Now, I don’t want to cause any riots, or get any more American diplomats killed in the Middle East or northern Africa, but this seems to be closely related to the ban on the images of the Prophet Muhammad by the oil-hoarding OPEC nut bars with RPGs that are looking to turn a benign, inane film (or benign, inane website like Sarcastic Movie Reviews) into a “reason” to kill American diplomats. The only difference, of course, is that the Babylonians were working through this “thought process” in 1700 B.C. – while the Muslims are still mulling this over some 3700 fucking years later.

Sounds like some fellas that we can quickly bring on board to the modern ways of the west…with a little respectful dialogue from our government about their great contributions to science over the millennia.

Of course, if they were in the United States, Barry O. would be throwing them under the Neanderthal mental “downies” bus with Sarah Palin, Joe McCarthy and Barry Goldwater. So much for the mutual respect of all cultures and ideals.

Anyway, once again, I have run astray from my initial focus…which is to give every movie Three Naybobs.

Lucky for Hawke, he is provided an image of Bughuul in every one of the snuff films, AND then makes multiple digital copies of his visage and pins them up all over his office.

Sharp.

Just like those mower blades, and the ax his daughter Ashley will soon be wielding during the last family get together.

Now if you'll excuse me, King Hippo needs to do some routine maintenance on his scythe. What? Why do I need a scythe? Why in the digital age do people still make movies with 8mm film?

Just wait 3650 years and the Muslims will be “discovering” this new technology and telling us that we can’t reproduce the image of Barry O. without losing some diplomats in the process.

Don’t worry…the appeasers will blame it on some lame-ass website. Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

I can’t wait for SINISTER 2!!

Three Naybobs

King Kutter

 

 

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