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THE SOCIAL NETWORK - Aka...How To Blow A Billionaire


By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 19 February 2011

So, the scuttlebutt on this movie before it was released was that it was “not endorsed” by Facebook or its founder, Mark Zuckerberg. In fact, he was kind of pissed about it.

Right!!

How fucking stupid do you think the American public is?? Don’t answer that.

I have a better question. When was the last time that a guy whose name ended in “berg” – who was a mult-Billionaire – couldn’t get a movie killed in Hollywood?

Go ahead. I will give you 30 seconds to scan your temporal lobe.

Here’s a prediction for you. Hollywood will produce a “theatrical reimagining” of The Courtship of Eddie’s Father before they cock block any movie about a “Berg” with 26 Billion skins in the bank, without his say-so.

We’re all pimps and whores and the movie business is no different.

King Hippo and Lady Spamalot would gladly tea bag any living uncircumcised “Berg” for a two sentence blurb about sarcasticmoviereviews.com in Time magazine. This humble reviewer, Dan Cedar, would gladly offer the same service to the 20th uncircumcised person - brave enough to friend me on Facebook.

Which begs the question, how do you teabag an uncircumcised labia?

But, I digress.

The Social Network follows the rise of one-time Harvard student, Zuckerberg, from naïve computer geek, completely oblivious to any advertising or monetary inclinations - all the way through to his capacity to dick over any earthling by allowing his semi-stolen Facebook computer worm to infest the life of every human that has ever logged on to the internet.

Nice story arc – except that there is NO arc. One day he is a naïve computer geek in a Harvard Jewish fraternity. Then he is a greedy asshole billionaire computer geek. Now Google ‘causal relationship’.

This movie could have been A LOT more interesting than it was.

The other problem is that the actor playing Zuckerberg, Jessie Eisenberg, only has two facial expressions throughout the movie. a) Puzzled and b) Sarcastically Puzzled. That is good enough to get him an Academy Award nomination. (hmmm…another “Berg” – what a coincidence).

So, what have we REALLY learned here?

If you’re greedy and rich enough that you can subversively get a movie produced about your rise to brilliant computer entrepreneur - while distancing your endorsement of the self aggrandizing movie - then you can raise your profile, donate what amounts to 2 days of your salary to some tax-deductible charities, get a spot on Saturday Night Live, have your movie nominated for an Academy Award and oh, yeah get named Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.”

It just goes to show you that Stuart Smalley had it right all along. Just repeat after me Mr. Zuckerberg, “I’m smart enough. I’m rich enough. I know who to fuck-over, whom to tea-bag and who to just give one hell of a blow job. I am a billionaire and, gosh darnett, for some reason - people like me.”

Old Dan Cedar has tried these daily affirmations for two years. But, so far, neither my fellatial skills nor my website have lived up to my lofty expectations. Maybe, I will finally renounce my Lord and Saviour and just go with “Old Dan Cedarberg” from this point forward.

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