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STONE - Aka...OMG Milla Jovovich's Nipples

By King Hippo - Posted on 23 December 2010

Sure. You can come in to King Hippo’s humble abode. Not that I am guilty of anything. I’m just going to need to see your search warrant first. And would mind asking the SWAT team to stand-down?

Why is it that good movies like Stone are relegated to "art houses" or "limited engagements" or "at select theaters?" And certified dog shit like The Expendables is crammed down the public's collective
throats on blue ray one week after it opens in theaters?

Why do I even have to ask this question? The answer is: clueless tools like Dan Cedar and Lady Spamalot sit like inbred Golden Retrievers with their paws in the air, tails wagging and spittle dripping off their distended tongues entranced with movies such as Knight and Day and Iron Man 2 AND give these strangulated hemorrhoids great reviews.

Good grief!

So, before I go any further, and am carted off for my arraignment - my FOURTH pick for best supporting actor of 2010 goes to Edward Norton for his sublime portrayal of Creeson
Stone, an incarcerated white trash hick who allowed his cousin to set fire to his grandparents’ house...with the grandparents still in it.

Enter De Niro's character, Jack Mabry, a career prison parole officer who, long ago became jaded with the inmates, his job, his wife, and his life. It seems the only joy he gets now is golf. Sounds like he could be related to the aforementioned “clueless tools” that drown their broken hearts into – bad movies and the reviews that fawn over them - for this website.

And as the story unravels, Jack takes a cue from Tiger Woods. Unable to tolerate prison life any longer, Creeson tries to convince Jack to grant him parole during their regular meetings...and uses his wife, Lucetta to influence Jack's decision on the outside world.

Two words: Milla Jovovich. Mmmmm, tasty.

OK – Old Dan – I know that’s four words – you over editing “Mathematician”.

If there's a hotter, ginchier eastern European import to ever grace the American silver screen, then Dan Cedar ISN'T the flamiest, most flamboyant, limp wristedest butt monkey to ever skip across the face of mother earth.

It seems that Lucetta is the only character in the movie that doesn't go through a life changing transformation. And that's where this movie works best - psychologically. Themes of good and evil and right and wrong are weaved throughout the story which makes the viewer wonder if life is just various shades of grey.

I kind of like to think that about the rotting female corpses buried in my grandmother's back yard - it wasn't really "wrong," maybe it was just "their time." See, even King Hippo can see shades of grey when he wants to.

Maybe I should remove that combination lock from my refrigerator and let my old friends “air out”. See, even King Hippo can transform.

By the end of the movie, you wonder which characters are really imprisoned and who is really free.

Now, if I can just get the local District Attorney to buy into that theory.

Five naybobs for Milla Jovovich's nipples, four naybobs for the movie.

King Hippo

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