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Swine Flu outbreak linked to Bea Arthur death

By Ian Specter - Posted on 14 May 2009

(Washington, D.C.) Death of longtime “comedienne”, Bea Arthur, on Saturday, has been linked to the sudden outbreak of Swine Flu in the United States. Arthur had a largely inexplicable amount of success on television with two series’ (Maude and The Golden Girls), despite not being particularly clever, funny or even semi-attractive.

Centers for Disease Control (CDC) scientist, Jack Burch, said, “Ms. Arthur’s death alone can now be statistically linked to the sharp rise in MRMCPSP (Methicillin Resistant Male Chauvinist Pig Streptococcus Pneumoniae). Her mere presence on the planet kept a large portion of the male genus pre-occupied with having, at one time, been exposed to her attitudes on abortion, PETA and Ms. Arthur’s general disgust with all things man”, continued Mr. Burch. Since her death, that anger, which had long suppressed the natural pro-cockal flora that abounds in our environment, has diminished exponentially.”

Among the best preventative measures you can take – according to the CDC:

  • Wash hands with soap or alcohol-based sanitizers
  • Avoid touching your eyes, mouth or nose
  • Avoid contact with sick people
  • Wear a mask
  • If you are a male – continue watching as many Maude and The Golden Girls episodes as can be physically tolerated

Mr. Burch finalized his statement by saying, “There are fourteen years of these episodes out there – just waiting to be man-handled. If you happen to have any of these episodes downloaded to your computer, please forward them, in their entirety, to every male on your distribution email list in a zip file. It is vitally important that these are sent to all men – even those born after the popularity of these two series’. Otherwise, this pandemic may consume us all - as did the 1918 virus that killed nearly 14 billion people.”

When century’s old Washington, D.C. insider and spinster Helen Thomas asked a follow-up question regarding the accuracy of Mr. Burch’s information, she said, “Mr. Burch, I know firsthand how President Woodrow Wilson (whom Ms. Thomas was intimately involved after the death of her second husband) handled the 1918 virus and your information is patently incorrect.”

Mr. Burch then told Ms. Thomas that she “along with Bea Arthur contributed mightily to The Vaginization of America.” Mr. Burch then stormed off the podium while high-fiving male members of the press corps.

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