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TAKEN - Aka...Die Hard IV, except with Liam Fucking Neeson instead of Bruce Willis


By King Hippo - Posted on 16 June 2009

...as in "this movie plot was already taken 30 years ago." It was called Hardcore and it starred George C. Scott posing as a porn director trying to find his missing daughter. I've never been so horrified seeing a rug on someone's head...until Donald Trump came along. The digressions keep on coming...If you want to see some real good porn try Behind The Green Door starring the recently departed and former Ivory soap model Marilyn Chambers.

Again, I should focus on the task at hand…but I didn’t take my Ritalin today.

The ONLY saving grace is Liam Neeson's acting...but just barely. The too-obvious opening scenes set up Neeson's 17 year old daughter going to France for a few months with her girlfriend to see "museums" — but in reality, following U2's European tour as teenage groupies. An obvious choice being that U2 is the only middle-aged, Christian, green zealot, pro-Aids, Pro-choice rock and roll act that conducts neoplasia on the ovaries of teenage uteri the world over.

The same amount of outlining went into this script as goes into my hastily jotted down movie reviews. Namely None. If you don’t like it — Control-Alt-Delete — Walk your fat ass over to your remote. Turn fucking Greta Van Sustern on and see if she can bring you some “Breaking News” tease before she makes your right-winged ass sit through 3 minutes of commercials, only to tell you that there is new information from Aruba that has just been released in the Natalee Holloway case.

FUCK ME!!

Jack Bauer has more plausible story lines.

Neeson objects — but finally relents after the ex's chiding and his daughter's pouting. If it was me, both of them would have gotten the back of my hand, and the wife (played by Famke Janssen) would have gotten a grudge fuck in the ass sans lube — as was given to me when I was a bad boy.

Neeson's character is ex CIA, NSA, FBI, NBA — who the fuck knows? Anyway, his daughter and her girlfriend are abducted — day one after arriving in Paris. In keeping with his knowledge of overseas intelligence, "Dad" mounts a one man rescue operation of his daughter armed with nothing more than an address and the few seconds he speaks to her as she's being dragged away to who knows where. Oh, that’s right — HE DOES!!

This skill would have probably come in handy for Neeson while he was skiing in Canada this winter. FOCUS!!

The only contact he has in Paris is an ex French intelligence officer who is now a desk jockey and, as we find out later, has knowledge of the abductions but withholds information to protect "important people”. That is called a run-on-sentence — kids — without one fucking comma. All hail, King Hippo!!

So the story continues as Neeson, an American, shakes down Albanians, Arabs, French, Africans, and Americans in Paris and EVERYONE speaks "American style" english. WHAT THE FUCK?!

So, Daddy has the omniscience to become an international sleuth and has Ninja moves reminiscent of the recently hanged David Carradine. That makes me hot just writing about them - and he is an all around bad-ass. But he can’t figure out that his daughter, who is at the top of her sizzling, little damsel in distress peak, isn’t going to spend an entire summer wandering the Louvre.

Brilliant!!

He also manages to "acquire" everything from a Beretta pistol to an H&K MP5 in a country that has harsher gun laws than Mexico! King Hippo loves him some guns.

The rest of the movie follows the carnage Neeson inflicts on the previously mentioned Albanians, French, Arabs and Americans. I must admit, watching Neeson popping caps in Euro Trash Ass, gave me the same wood as watching Steven Segal splintering long bones without anesthesia in Out For Justice. Hard to say whether that is just my man crush on Liam and Steve or my flashing on Kelly LeBrock and Natasha Richardson giving King Hippo the Oreo Treatment.

Here is an idea. Sit down; Talk to your kids about who they’re getting their X from at high school this week. Drop them off at the local rave and then hang out by the front door and see if your middle-aged ass can pick up the first cellulite embedded chick from the drill team that stumbles out.

Good Grief. I have to finish this review….

Anyway, he rescues his daughter and NO ONE in France has a single question for him. For those of you who regretted missing Shindler's List, just watch this movie — Neeson kills just as many people. The only difference is they're not Jews...like Old Dan Cedar.

Bravo!!

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