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TELL NO ONE- Aka...NPR thought this was good - Enough Said?

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 22 April 2009

…That this movie Sucks!!

The producers candidly admitted this was the complete title of this, wanna be, Film Noir.

I first decided to watch this movie after hearing a glowing review from, of all places, National Public Radio. Surprised that Old Dan Cedar likes these kinds of movies? Guess again, you socialist loving bastard!!

I know that you took French in your 8 years spent getting your master’s degree – which is good, so then maybe you can put my new title of this movie into Le English-

Merde Sur Une Brindille!!

This subtitles into Shit On A Stick.

Louvre Lover!!

There are so many aimless characters meandering in and out of this sweat-fest that it is nearly impossible to keep up. Don’t worry. You aren’t going to see it anyway, Pierre. I am an American - Trust Me, like I trust God – You atheist bastard. I am going to tell you the whole convoluted story while ruining the ending - and you will barely care enough about it to actually finish this review – much less order it through Netflix.

You may recognize Kristen Scott Thomas from the equally interminable The English Patient. In this little crapfest, Ms. Thomas plays a french-speaking lesbian. One out of two ain’t bad.

No, we don’t see she and her “wife” have sex, but we do see them kiss a couple of times. Definitely won’t override the fact that we have to sit through the French Dustin Hoffman sweating and panting for over 2 hours.

There are more gaps in this meandering story than bullet holes in the bodies that are littered throughout the movie – which, by the way – is a lot – especially in a country with it’s plethora of hand gun laws.

This movie longs to be The French Fugitive, but unlike The Fugitive, no one is very smart – including the doctor.

Another problem that you may not recognize until the 11th minute of the movie is Hot Wife and her Doctor Hubs are supposed childhood sweethearts. Except when they grow up she is 25 and he is 45. Nationalized healthcare and all of those cigs will put the years on you – I guess.

After some skinny dipping with Doc Hubs - Hot Wife ends up fake dead.
For 8 years she is “hiding” in Spain –Doc Hubs thinks that she is real dead the whole time.
No, it wasn’t the Maginot Line keeping her away.
Hot Wife’s daddy tells her that Doc Hubs is dead so she won’t come back to The Motherland.
Ipso Facto – she stays in Spain apparently without a brain or internet service.
The case is re-opened by the French Monk (the detective – not the priest).
Hot Wife has an epiphany and decides to contact Doc Hubs with cryptic messages on the internet – which she has suddenly learned how to operate.
Things get real convoluted from there – if it hasn’t already.
Bottom Line – Turns out Daddy killed a guy that beat her up.
There is a lot of underlying bullshit that is completely unnecessary about Doc Hubs being chased by the police, the gangsta father of a hemophiliac kid that protects Doc Hubs and a lot of twists and gyrations to get us to the happy ending – where Daddy kills himself and where the now 53 year old doctor finds that his, now, 33 year old wife is, “yes, thankfully”, still hot.

Want to leave it in your Netflix Queue?

That is what I thought!!

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